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August, 2005

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - August 2005
Worst Bedtime Stories [76 votes total]
Ilsa The Big Bad She Wolf (7) 9%
Under The Bed It Waits (16) 21%
Hansel & Steve (18) 24%
Oh No, Dad's Out Of Beer! (9) 12%
Alice In Amsterdam (14) 18%
The Wizard Of Alabama (12) 16%

Monday, August 1, 2005 -- The Doctor's House

A young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.

But finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."

"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."

Wednesday, August 3, 2005 -- The Politicians

Two politicians are standing in front of a store window. The first one says, "The people are always complaining about how expensive everything is. But they're wrong. Just look at these prices. $20 for a suit, $15 for a pair of pants, $5 for a shirt, $8 for a dress."

The other one hisses, "Take a closer look. This is a dry cleaners."

Friday, August 5, 2005 -- Adultery

A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight. While en route to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness. The man suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom.

The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his naked behind up with that blanket before he catches a cold."

(Thanks to JP)

Monday, August 22, 2005 -- The Castle Ghost

A young American tourist goes on a guided tour of a creepy old castle.

At the end of the tour the guide asks her how she enjoyed it. She admits to being a bit worried about seeing a ghost in some of the dark cobwebby rooms and passages.

"Don't worry" says the guide, "I've never seen a ghost all the time I've been here"

"How long is that?" asks the girl.

"About three hundred years......."

Tuesday, August 23, 2005 -- The Baby

Following the birth of their fourth child, the parents noticed that their seven-year-old eldest son was unusually quiet. He asked if their were going to be any more babies.

Fearing he was resentful of his new sister, they gently assured him that each baby brought more love to the rest of the family.

He looked surprised and said, "I asked because there is only room for six toothbrushes in the holder."

Wednesday, August 24, 2005 -- Making Love

Jack and Marie were driving around and around a very large park sightseeing. Suddenly, Marie turns to Jack and says, "I want to make love."

Jack, a little surprised, says, "But, Marie, we're driving around in a park. There are a lot of cars driving in the area. This is neither the time nor the place."

Marie pouts for about 10 minutes, and then says, "Jack, I want to make love NOW!"

Jack, not one to pass up a sure thing, stops the car in the middle of the road and says, "Come underneath the car with me." Marie happily obliges.

Jack and Marie are having a great time under the car oblivious of the other cars whizzing by honking their horns. They are completely caught up in each other when they happen to spot the blue pants of a policeman.

The policeman is looking down at them, and they are looking up at him. The Policeman officially notifies them that he is not there to tell them WHEN to make love, and that he is not there to tell them WHERE to make love. But as a police officer it was his duty to tell them that their car had been stolen.

Thursday, August 25, 2005 -- The Neighbours

A wife, one evening, drew her husband's attention to the couple next door and said, "Do you see that couple? How devoted they are? He kisses her every time they meet. Why don't you do that?"

"I would love to," replied the husband, "but I don't know her well enough."

Friday, August 26, 2005 -- The Hunters

A couple of Alabama hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says, "OK, now what?"

Monday, August 29, 2005 -- The Bar

A nun, a priest, an Irishman, a rabbi, a Scotsman, a Black, an Indian and a blonde walk into a bar.

The bartender looks at them and asks, "Is this some kind of joke?"

Tuesday, August 30, 2005 -- The Toast

Andy walked into the neighbourhood bar and announced that he was divorcing his wife. The bartender asked why.

"Well," Andy said, "yesterday was her birthday, so I took her to the fanciest restaurant in town."

"So?" the bartender replies.

"So I order a bottle of their best champagne, and I made a toast--' to the best woman a man could have.' "

"What's wrong with that?" the bartender asked.

Replied Andy, "Four waiters joined in...."

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