HOLDER TONIGHT
with
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER

JOKE DU JOUR

September, 2005

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - September 2005

Signs That You Have Bad Neighbours [99 votes total] Their doormat has a chalk outline (40) 40% Their little girl's jump rope is police tape (17) 17% Ed McMahon went in and never came out (6) 6% TV news crews always blocking your driveway (13) 13% The constant cross burnings (23) 23%

Thursday, September 1, 2005 -- Black and White

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the colour of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Monday, September 5, 2005 -- The Outhouse

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer,cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.

One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.

That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why. The dad replied,"someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it,son?"

The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."

The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in that cherry tree."

Tuesday, September 6, 2005 -- Sunday School

A young boy came to Sunday School late. His teacher knew that he was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.

The boy replied no, that he was going fishing but his dad told him that he needed to go to church.

The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his dad had explained to him why it was more important to go to church than to go fishing.

"Yes," the boy replied. "Dad said he didn't have enough bait for both of us."

Wednesday, September 7, 2005 -- The Air Strike

The Ecuadorian captain had grown increasingly anxious over rumours of an impending air strike from neighbouring Peru.

"Pedro," he ordered his aide-de-camp, "I want you to climb that mountain and report any signs of Peruvian military activity."

"Si, Capitano," replied Pedro. He trudged up the mountain, and as soon as he crossed the ridge he saw a squadron of planes heading their way.

"There are many planes coming, Capitano," he promptly radioed back.

"Friends or enemies?" the Captain demanded urgently.

Pedro again lifted his binoculars to the sky. "They're flying very closely together, Capitano," he replied. "I think they must be friends."

Thursday, September 8, 2005 -- Dinner Conversation

Sarah and Dick were having dinner with a couple they'd not seen for several years. Each couple tried to recapture knowledge of the other by recounting their histories.

"And soon after we were married," Sarah began, "we were blessed with a marvellous, chubby creature with cute bow legs and no teeth."

"You had a baby, I presume," said the other husband.

"Nope," Dick broke in, "Sarah's mother came to live with us."

Friday, September 9, 2005 -- The Hearing Aid

80-year-old George ran into his friend Stan at the senior citizens home where they lived.

"Stan" George said excitedly. "My new hearing aid finally came. It is the best that money can buy. I paid $10,000 but it was worth every penny."

"What kind is it?" asked Stan.

"Ten to three," replied George.

(Thanks to Gary)

Monday, September 12, 2005 -- The Latex Company

A guy is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he is shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud "hiss-pop" noise.

"The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mould," explains the guide. "The popping sound is the needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple."

Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a "Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop" noise.

"Wait a minute!" says the man taking the tour. "I understand what the 'hiss, hiss,' is, but what's that 'pop' every so often?"

"Oh, it's just the same as in the baby-bottle nipple machine," says the guide. "It pokes a hole in every fourth condom."

"Well," warned the man, "that can't be good for the condoms!"

"Yeah" said the guide, "but it's great for the baby-bottle nipple business!"

Tuesday, September 13, 2005 -- The $64,000 Question

Bob had finally made it to the last round of The $64,000 Question. The night before the big question, he told the M.C. that he desired a question on American History.

The big night had arrived. Bob made his way on stage in front of the studio and TV audience. He had become the talk of the week. He was the best guest this show had ever seen. The M.C. stepped up to the microphone.

"Bob, you have chosen American History as your final question. You know that if you correctly answer this question, you will walk away $64,000 dollars richer. Are you ready?"

Bob nodded with a cocky confidence. The crowd went nuts. He hadn't missed a question all week.

"Bob, your question on American History is a two-part question. As you know, you may answer either part first. As a rule, the second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like to take a stab at first?"

Bob was now becoming more noticeably nervous. He couldn't believe it, but he was drawing a blank. American History was his easiest subject, but he played it safe.

"I'll try the easier part first."

The M.C. nodded approvingly. "Here we go Bob. I will ask you the second half first, then the first half."

The audience silenced with gross anticipation......

"Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen??"

Wednesday, September 14, 2005 -- On Safari

A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.

Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"

"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out."

Thursday, September 15, 2005 -- The Colonel

A man walked into a bar and stood at the bar, talking to the bartender. He ordered a beer and an empty shot glass. When the bartender gave them to him, the man paid for the beer, poured a little into the shot glass, and placed the shot glass into his large coat pocket. Then he drank the beer. After a few minutes, he took out the shot glass, empty.

He talked to the bartender for awhile, and then ordered another beer and empty shot glass. Again, he poured off some beer into the shot glass and put the glass into his pocket. Again, he drank the beer and a few minutes later, he took the shot glass out of his pocket, empty.

When he ordered a third beer and empty shot glass, the bartender could contain his curiosity no longer. "Why do you keep putting that shot glass of beer into your pocket and taking it out again empty?"

"Oh," said the man, "that's for the Colonel."

"The Colonel? What are you talking about?"

The man reached into his pocket and pulled out a little man, about one foot tall, dressed in an army colonel's uniform. He set the little man on the bar and handed him the shot glass of beer. The little colonel drank the beer and gave a little burp.

The bartender couldn't believe his eyes. "Is he real?" he gasped.

"Sure he's real," said the man. "Colonel, would you mind walking over by the peanut bowl and back?" The little colonel marched to the peanut bowl and back.

The bartender was astounded. "This is amazing," he said. "Can he talk?"

"Sure he can talk. Colonel, tell him about the time that you were stationed in Africa and called that witch doctor a liar."

Friday, September 16, 2005 -- The Black Eye

Tom came to work one day with a black eye. His friend Steve asked, "Where'd you get the shiner? Were you in a fight or something?"

Tom replied,"Well, sorta....I was watching a show last night when my wife came in and asked me what's on TV. I told her DUST !!!"

Monday, September 19, 2005 -- The Job Applicant

"I see you were last employed by a psychiatrist," said the employer to the applicant. "Why did you leave?"

"Well," she replied, "I just couldn't win. If I was late to work, I was hostile. If I was early, I had an anxiety complex. If I was on time, I was compulsive."

Wednesday, September 21, 2005 -- The Shopping Nuns

Two nuns were shopping in a food store and happened to be passing the beer and liquor section. One asks the other if she would like a beer. The other nun answered that would be good, but that she would be queasy about purchasing it. The first nun said that she would handle it and picked up a six pack and took it to the cashier.

The cashier had a surprised look and the first nun said,"The beer is used for washing our hair."

The cashier, without blinking an eye, reached under the counter and put a package of pretzels in the bag with the beer, saying . . ."Here, don't forget the curlers."

Friday, September 23, 2005 -- At The Bar

A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot.

The bartender is curious and asks him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."

Monday, September 26, 2005 -- Two Roaches

Two roaches were munching on garbage in an alley when one engages a discussion about a new restaurant.

"I was in that new restaurant across the street," said one. "It's so clean! The kitchen is spotless, and the floors are gleaming white. There is no dirt anywhere--it's so sanitary that the whole place shines."

"Please," said the other roach frowning. "Not while I'm eating!"

Wednesday, September 28, 2005 -- The Dentist

A dentist, after completing work on a patient, came to him begging. "Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?"

"Why?" asked the patient, "It wasn't all that bad this time."

Replied the dentist, "There are so many people in the waiting room right now, and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game."

Thursday, September 29, 2005 -- Who Does What

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning. The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

The wife replies, "No, you should do it. And besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that; show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says.........."HEBREWS"

(Thanks to Jerome)

Friday, September 30, 2005 -- Two Morons

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, "I don't think much of this budgie jumping."

The other moron replies, "Yeah, I'm not too keen on this paragliding either."