HOLDER TONIGHT
with
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER

JOKE DU JOUR

October, 2005

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - October 2005

Signs You've Chosen The Wrong Driving School [81 votes total] The airbags are already deployed (17) 21% After every parallel park you have to deliver a pizza (18) 22% Backseat is an open bar (8) 10% Have to make room for instructor's guide dog (28) 35% During final test you also pick up fares (10) 12%

Monday, October 3, 2005 -- A Soldier's Death

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, the President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

(Thanks to William)

Tuesday, October 4, 2005 -- The Hunters

Four friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day……Ted went with Billy-Bob and Bert went with Roy. Much later that night, Ted returned to the camp alone and he was dragging a 300 pound ten-point buck. "Where's Billy-Bob?" asked Bert.

"He had a stroke of some kind while we were dragging the deer," said an exhausted Ted. "He's about three miles back up the trail."

"You left Billy-Bob out there and dragged the deer back?" asked Bert.

"Yes I did," nodded Ted. "And it was a tough call too, but then I figured no one will steal Billy-Bob."

(Thanks to Gary)

Friday, October 7, 2005 -- Smartest Man in the World

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble.

In spite of the best efforts of the pilot, the plane started to go down. Finally, the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I'm a lawyer and lawyers are the smartest people in the world. I deserve to live." He also grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The 'smartest man in the world' just took off with my back pack."

Monday, October 10, 2005 -- Dinner

Before leaving for her weekly Bingo game, eighty-year-old Myrtle prepared supper for her eighty-five-year-old spouse Jack. She was also boiling a pot full of sponges to clean them for future use.

As she was leaving she yelled, "Jack, your supper is ready. I'm off to my Bingo game. Don't forget to turn the stove off."

When Myrtle arrived home she went to remove the sponges but found the pot empty.

"Jack, did you empty the large pot?" she asked.

"Yes," said Jack. "And I must say those dumplings didn't have much taste to them, but boy……did they ever sop up the gravy."

(Thanks to Gary)

Thursday, October 13, 2005 -- Cutting In Line

It was the day of the big sale. Rumours of the sale and some advertising in the local paper were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses.

On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again.

As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line: "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I don't open the store!"

Friday, October 14, 2005 -- A Husband's Response

A woman had gained a few pounds. It was most noticeable to her when she squeezed into a pair of her old blue jeans.

Wondering if the added weight was noticeable to everyone else, she asked her husband, "Honey, do these jeans make me look like the side of the house?"

"No, dear, not at all," he replied, "Our house isn't blue."

Monday, October 17, 2005 -- Shutterbug At Dinner

An amateur photographer was invited to dinner with friends and took along a few pictures to show the hostess. She looked at the photos and commented, "These are very good! You must have a good camera."

He didn't make any comment, but, as he was leaving to go home he said, "That was a really delicious meal! You must have some very good pots."

Wednesday, October 19, 2005 -- Report Card

Eight-year-old Nina brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good...mostly A's and a couple of B's.

However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Nina is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."

Nina's dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Nina because I would like to try it out on her mother."

Thursday, October 20, 2005 -- Musical Birthday

David bought his wife a piano for her birthday. A few weeks later, his friend Bill asked how she was doing with it.

"Oh," said David, "I persuaded her to switch to a clarinet."

"How come?" Bill asked.

"Because," he answered, "with a clarinet, she can't sing..."

Friday, October 21, 2005 -- Pretty Girls

Bob was retired and loved to sit in front of his house and watch the young girls walk by. Then he developed heart trouble and had to have a pacemaker implanted.

He still enjoys sitting in the front of his house and watching the girls, only now whenever he an especially pretty one goes by, his pacemaker makes the garage door go up.

Monday, October 24, 2005 -- Lincoln

A father noticed that his son was spending way too much time playing computer games. In an effort to motivate the boy to focus more attention on his schoolwork, the father said to his son, "When Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

The son replied, "But Dad, when Lincoln was your age, he was President of The United States!"

Wednesday, October 25, 2005 -- Visiting Grandma

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:

"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T. There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.

I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right.

Get in, and with your elbow hit 14. When you get out I am on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell".

"Grandma, that sounds easy, but why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow"?

To which Grandma replied, "You're not coming empty handed, are you?"

Friday, October 27, 2005 -- Thirteen

A young man was strolling down a street in south London. As he passed a large building with a fence around it, he heard a group of people chanting "Thirteen, thirteen, thirteen" over and over again.

Curious, he tried to see over the fence, but couldn't. Then he spotted a knot in the wood, and put his eye to the hole.

He just managed to spy some old people sitting in deckchairs chanting, before a finger came out of nowhere and poked him in the eye. As he staggered back, the old people started chanting, "Fourteen, fourteen, fourteen ..."