HOLDER TONIGHT
with
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER

JOKE DU JOUR

November 2005

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - November 2005

While Driving You Know You're Really Lost When . . . [84 votes total] Passengers refer to you as Moses (25) 30% You're out of On-Star range (16) 19% You encounter pygmy squeegee punks (11) 13% Your DeLorean passes a car with fins (9) 11% Windshield gets cracked by Alan Sheppard's golf ball (23) 27% EMAIL THIS POLL

Wednesday, November 2, 2005 -- Sex

A little boy returning home from his first day at school said to his mother, "Mom, what's sex?"

His mother, who believed in all the most modern educational theories, gave him a detailed explanation, covering all aspects of the tricky subject.

When she had finished, the little lad produced an enrollment form which he had brought home from school and said, "Yes, but how am I going to get all that into this one little square?"

Thursday, November 3, 2005 -- Legal Strategy

A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbour owes me $500 and he doesn't want to pay up. What should I do?"

"Do you have any proof?" asked the lawyer.

"Nope," replied the man.

"Okay, then write him a letter asking him for the $1000 he owed you," said the lawyer.

"But it's only $500," replied the man.

"Precisely. That's what he will reply and we will have the proof we need to nail him."

Monday, November 7, 2005 -- The Boasting Horses

Several race horses are staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Wednesday, November 9, 2005 -- The Horse Maker

"Mother," said a little boy after coming from a walk. "I've seen a man who makes horses."

"Are you sure?" asked his mother.

"Yes," he replied. "He had a horse nearly finished. When I saw him, he was just nailing on his feet."

Friday, November 11, 2005 -- The Couch

A man called his neighbour to help him move a couch that had become stuck in the doorway. They got on either end of the couch and struggled until they were exhausted, but the couch wouldn't budge.

"Forget it," the man finally gasped. "We'll never get this in."

A frustrated voice came from the other side of the couch: "In?"

Monday, November 14, 2005 -- New Pastor

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners. At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was the cryptic message, "Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock."

Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid for I was naked."

(Thanks to Richard)

Wednesday, November 16, 2005 -- Is He a Good Dentist?

A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning. His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before.

"Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"

"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball must have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach."

"That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."

Thursday, November 17, 2005 -- The Job Interview

Simple Simon applied for a deputy sheriff's job. In the interview the sheriff asked, "What's one and one?"

Simon answered, "11."

The sheriff gave him the benefit of the doubt on that once since he probably didn't phrase the question appropriately and that could be construed as being correct.

"Okay, next question," said the sheriff. "What two days of the week start with the letter T?"

"Today and tomorrow," replied Simon.

The sheriff was impressed with the way Simon thought outside the box, so he challenged him. "Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Simon admitted, "I don't know."

"Well go home and work on that one for awhile," replied the sheriff, satisfied that he'd stumped him.

Simon went home and told his mother. He was all excited. He said, "The interview went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

Monday, November 21, 2005 -- Missed Anniversary

When he forgot his wedding anniversary, a husband was in very big trouble. There were some heated words and ice cold silence.

Before retiring for the night, his wife broke the silence and firmly told him "Tomorrow you better have something in the driveway for me that goes from zero to 200 in 2 seconds flat".

When the wife looked outside the next morning, she found a small package in the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Funeral arrangements for the husband have been set for this Saturday

(Thanks to Kathryn)

Wednesday, November 23, 2005 -- The Barber's Dog

A gentleman was getting his hair cut and he noticed that the barber's dog was just lying on the floor staring at him.

"Your dog seems very fond of watching you cut hair," said the customer.

"It ain't that, "replied the barber. "Sometimes I snip off a bit of a customer's ear."

Thursday, November 24, 2005 -- The Nun

John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.

"How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so."

"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself"

"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no!" said the bartender, "It's not that Nun again is it?"

Wednesday, November 30, 2005 -- A Quicky

Two men walked into a bar.

You would think at least one of them would have ducked.