HOLDER TONIGHT
with
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER

JOKE DU JOUR

January 2006

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - January 2006

Things You'll Miss About 2005 [265 votes total]   Reinforcing furniture before Tom Cruise visits (37) 14% That Canadian reality Show: Survivor: Gomery Commission (51) 19% Having to watch Martha accessorize with her ankle bracelet (34) 13% Michael Jackson slumber parties (37) 14% Finding out Deep Throat was a guy (70) 26% Weather (36) 14%

Monday, January 2, 2006 -- Lions

A young missionary on his first trip to Africa is away from camp having devotions in a quiet clearing, as was his custom. This one particular day, while reading his Bible, a lion comes and lays down right beside him; so close that the hot warm smell of his breath is wafting over him.

The missionary is, as you would suppose, exceedingly uneasy. He closes his eyes, praying... but when he opens them he sees another lion approach from the brush, which proceeds to lie down on the other side of him.

Convinced as he is that this is a test of his faith, he determines to return to his Bible reading. As soon as he does so, the two lions pounce upon and devour him.

Moral of the story: Don't read between the lions.

(Thanks to Bob)

Wednesday, January 4, 2006 -- The Date

Dorothy and Edna two senior widows, are talking at the local coffee shop. Dorothy said, "That nice Joe asked me out for a date . . . I know that you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer."

Says Edna, "Well . . . I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7 P.M., dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but a luxury car . . a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner. . a marvelous dinner - lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show . . . let me tell you, Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me.... twice!"

Dorothy gasps, "Goodness gracious! . . so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him?"

"No, no, no," replied Edna, "I'm just saying, wear an old dress."

(Thanks to Keith)

Friday, January 6, 2006 -- Lost

A small boy was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!"

The cop said, "What's he like?"

The little boy replied, "Beer and women."

(Thanks to Bob)

Monday, January 9, 2006 -- Door Stopper

Two salesmen were going door to door. They knocked on the door of a woman who clearly was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms she did not want to hear their message and then slammed the door in their faces.

To her surprise, the door did not close. In fact, it bounced back open. Seeing the two salesmen at the door frustrated her. She stormed back to the door and flung it shut.

But the door still didn't close. Furious, she grabbed the door with two hands and shoved it as hard as she could. But again, the door wouldn't shut.

Convinced one of these rude salesmen was sticking a foot in the door, she reared back to give the door a slam that would really teach them a lesson.

Just then, one of the salesmen said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you might want to move your cat."

Tuesday, January 10, 2006 -- Business In The Air

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.

A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."

Thursday, January 12, 2006 -- Osama & The Psychic

Osama bin Laden goes to a psychic who says, "You will die on an American holiday."

Needless to say bin Laden is shocked. "Which one?" he asks.

"Doesn't matter", says the psychic. "Whatever day you die will become an American holiday."

Friday, January 13, 2006 -- The Drinking Doctor

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 pm.

One afternoon, as the end of the workday approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.

The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

Tuesday, January 14, 2006 -- Ex-Husband

This married couple was sitting in a fine restaurant when the wife looks over at a nearby table and sees a man in a drunken stupor.

The husband asks "I notice you've been watching that man for some time now. Do you know him?"

"Yes" she replies, "He's my ex-husband, and has been drinking like that since I left him seven years ago."

"That's remarkable" the husband replies, "I wouldn't think anybody could celebrate that long."