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January 2007

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - January 2007
Reality Show You Really Donít Want To See [52 votes total]

Who Wants To Marry Osama? (14) 27%
Cage Match: Rosie vs. The Donald (17) 33%
Survivor: Canadian Senate (6) 12%
Lindsay Lohanís Celebrity Bumper Cars (6) 12%
Shirley Jacksonís "The Lottery" (9) 17%

Monday, January 8, 2007 -- Morning Quicky

A wife was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. Her husband walks in and asks "What's for breakfast?"

She turns to him and says, "You've got to make love to me this very moment."

He, thinking it's his lucky day, he stands her over at the kitchen table and they have sex.

Afterwards he says, "What was that all about?"

She says "The egg timer's broken!"

(Thanks to Sheldon)

Tuesday, January 9, 2007 -- I Have Some Good News, And Some Bad News...

A man is taken into hospital and has some tests taken and is awaiting the doctor with the results. The doctor duly arrives and says to the man:

"I have some good news and some bad news..."

"I can take it Doc give me the bad news!" the man replies.

"I'm terribly sorry but we have to amputate both your legs," says the Doc as professionally as possible.

The man responds, "Well, Doc, this is terrible. At least I have the good news to come, go on Doc give it to me."

Doc replies, "Do you see the man in the opposite bed?"

"Yes, what about him?"

"He said he would buy your slippers."

Wednesday, January 10, 2007 -- The Paint Can

A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."

The couple agreed and, after two-and-a-half weeks, returned to the Church. When the Pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying, and the husband is obviously very depressed.

"You are back so soon...Is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.

"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month," the young man replied sadly.

The pastor asked him what happened.

"Well, the first week was difficult. However, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain. However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible......anything to keep our minds off carnal thoughts. One afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there," admitted the man, shamefacedly.

"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.

"We know." said the young man, hanging his head, "We're not welcome anymore at Home Depot, either."

(Thanks to Sandy)

Thursday, January 11, 2007 -- The Elderly Couple

An elderly couple was attending church services when about halfway through she leans over and says to him, "I just had a silent passing of gas, what do you think I should do?"

He leans over to her and replies, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

(Thanks to William)

Friday, January 12, 2007 -- New Year's Adjustments

After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"

"Yes," the golfer responded.

"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?" the cop asked.

"Yes, I did. How did you know?" the golfer asked.

"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"

The golfer thought it over carefully and responded, "I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."

Monday, January 15, 2007 -- The Horse

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor immigrant with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse. The poor man replied, "I don't think so, mister, it don't look good," and walked away.

The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse. The poor man said, "No better not, it don't look too good."

On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer. The poor man said well OK, and the rich man took the horse home.

The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, and it galloped away right into a tree.

The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness. The poor man replied, "I told you it don't look so good!"

Tuesday, January 16, 2007 -- The Young Bride

A young bride was scouring the aisles of the supermarket. Up and down each aisle she went, then started over again. The store manager noticed this and went over to her.

"Can I help you find something, miss?" he asked.

"It's Mrs.!", she said proudly, "I just got married."

"Congratulations, " said the manager. "What can I help you find?"

"Scratch," she replied.

"Scratch?" he asked, "Is that a new cleanser or something?"

"No silly," she replied brightly. "My husband told me that his mother made everything from scratch, so I need to find some!"

Wednesday, January 17, 2007 -- First Jump

On the first day of training for a charity parachute jump, the instructor made an important point. "Start preparing for landing when you're at 300 feet."

One student asked, "How do you know when you're at 300 feet"?

"A good question. At 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

She thought about this for a moment before saying, "What happens if there's no one there I know"?

Thursday, January 18, 2007 -- The Ferris Wheel

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds. The wife wanted to go on the Ferris Wheel, but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet. "Are you hurt?" he asked.

"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

Friday, January 19, 2007 -- Diploma

A grandmother was pushing her little grandchild around Wal-Mart in a buggy. Each time she put something in the basket she would say, "And here's something for you, Diploma." or "This will make a cute little outfit for you, Diploma." and so on.

Eventually a bewildered shopper who'd heard all this finally asked, "Why do you keep calling your grandchild Diploma?"

The grandmother replied, "I sent my daughter to university and this is what she came home with!"

Monday, January 22, 2007 -- Drinking Shots

A man walks in to a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me 20 shots, line Ďem up right here!" The man proceeds to drink all the shots, in less than half a minute.

The bartender says, "You'd better slow down there! Why are you drinking so much?"

To which the man replies, " You'd be drinking too if you knew what I have."

"Oh, well, what do you have?" asked the bartender.

The man turns to him and says, " Not a penny!"

(Thanks to Jeremy)

Tuesday, January 23, 2007 -- School Cannibal

Q: Why was the cannibal expelled from school?

A: Because he kept buttering up the teachers!

(Thanks to Marilyn)

Wednesday, January 24, 2007 -- The New Car

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession even to the grocery store which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed, "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age."

Thursday, January 25, 2007 -- The Porsche

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!"

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name-they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

Friday, January 26, 2007 -- Fishing in The Caribbean

Three guys are fishing in the Caribbean. One guy says, "I had a terrible fire; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

The second guy says, "I had a terrible explosion; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

The third guy says, "What a coincidence. I had a terrible flood; lost everything. Now the insurance company is paying for everything and that's why I'm here."

The other guys turned to him with confusion and asked, "Flood? How do you start a flood?"

Monday, January 29, 2007 -- The Swearing Indian

A Cherokee Indian was a special guest at an elementary school. He talked to the children about his tribe and its traditions, then shared with them this fun fact: "There are no swear words in the Cherokee language."

One boy raised his hand, "But what if you're hammering a nail and accidentally smash your thumb?"

"That," the man answered, "is when we use your language."

Tuesday, January 30, 2007 -- The Vacation

Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Ya know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation. Only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go; three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant.

Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again.

Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again."

Luther asks Billy Bob, "So, what you gonna do this year that's different?"

Billy Bob says, "This year I'm taking Earlene with me."

(Thanks to Sheldon)

Wednesday January 31, 2007 -- Hunting Guide

A hunting guide got himself into an embarrassing fix. His party became hopelessly lost in the mountains and they blamed him for leading them astray.

"You told us you were the best guide in Montana!" they asserted.

"I am," he said, "but I think we're in Alberta now."

Picture Of The Month

"Hey, You Humans Are On Your Own!"

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