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February 2007

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - February 2007
Signs Of Global Warming [68 votes total]

When you open your freezer penguins wave back (20) 29%
Walking tours of the Titanic (12) 18%
Ted Williams' head is starting to mildew (8) 12%
You fall through the ice at an indoor arena (9) 13%
Greenland is actually green (19) 28%

Thursday, February 1, 2007 -- Soldiers On Parade

While the soldiers stood at attention during a parade, a private waved to someone in the audience. "Jones, never do that again!" the drill instructor whispered. But a few minutes later, the soldier waved a second time.

Back in the barracks after the parade, the DI stormed in and barked for Jones to come front and enter. "Son, you knew I was going to see you," he screamed. "You knew it was wrong. Aren't you afraid of me?"

"Yes, sir!" replied Jones. "But you don't know my mother!"

Friday, February 2, 2007 -- Baby's First

The husband arrived home one evening to find his wife distraught. "I've had a terrible day," she complained. "The baby cut his first tooth; then he took his first step; then he fell down and cut his lip on his tooth."

"What happened next?" the husband asked.

"Then," she added in a shocked voice, "he said his first word!"

Monday, February 5, 2007 -- The Rude Man

Over dinner, a woman said to her husband, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!"

"How did you meet this fellow?" He asked, very concerned.

She said, "Well, we met by accident, I hit him with the car."

Tuesday, February 6, 2007 -- The Coma

After a long and serious operation, Cassy ended up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband Bill came into the intensive care unit to see her, the doctors gave him the bad news.

"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm afraid," the doctor told Bill in a quiet somber voice.

Bill looked at Cassy and with a soft trembling voice said, "But doctor, she's so young. She's only 43."

"35," came the weak reply from Cassy.

Wednesday, February 7, 2007 -- Tee Time For The Clergy

A Priest and a Nun were taking a rare afternoon off and enjoying a round of golf. The Priest stepped up to the first tee and took a mighty swing. He missed the ball entirely and muttered, "Damn it, I missed." The good Sister told him to watch his language.

On his next swing, he missed again and again he uttered. "Damn it, I missed."

"Father, I'm not going to continue golfing with you if you keep swearing," the Nun said tartly.

The Priest promised to do better and the round continued. On the 4th tee, he misses again, with his usual comment following.

Sister's really mad now and says, "Father Patrick, God is going to strike you dead if you keep swearing like that."

On the next tee, Father Patrick swings and misses again. "Damn it, I missed."

A terrible rumble is heard and a gigantic bolt of lightning comes out of the sky and strikes Sister Marie dead in her tracks.

And from the sky comes a booming voice....

"Damn it, I missed."

(Thanks to Sherry)

Thursday, February 8, 2007 -- Astronautical Affairs

Once upon a time NASA decided to send 3 astronauts to space for 2 years. NASA allowed each of them to take 200 pounds of baggage each. The first astronaut decided to take along his wife, the second decided to take along books to learn how to speak German, while the third astronaut decided to take along cigarettes.

Two years later, when the space shuttle landed, there was a big crowd waiting to welcome them home.

First came the first astronaut and his wife and each of them had a baby in their arms.

Next, out came the second astronaut speaking fluent German.

They both gave their speeches and got a rousing applause.

Suddenly out came the third astronaut with a cigarette in his mouth.

He walked up to the podium and snarled to the crowd and asked, 'Has anyone got a friggin' match?!?'

Friday, February 9, 2007 -- The Soldiers

A soldier was being reprimanded by an officer after he lost his rifle and was informed he would have to pay for it. The soldier asked, "Sir, if I lost a tank, would I have to pay for it?"

"Yes!" roared the officer "even if it took the rest of your life!"

The young soldier shook his head and tremulously asserted, "Now I know why the captain goes down with his ship!"

Monday, February 12, 2007 -- The Shortcut

A student was on his way to school but was running short on time. So he stopped at a farmhouse and knocked on the door.

"Could I cut across your field so I can catch the 8:30 bus?" he asked.

"Go right ahead," the farmer said. "And if my bull sees you, you'll be able to catch the 8 o'clock bus!"

Tuesday, February 13, 2007 -- Leopard vs. Poodle

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her poodle along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a hungry-looking leopard heading rapidly in his direction.

The poodle thinks, "Oh, oh!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back so you can watch me chew that poodle to bits!"

Now, the poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and waits until they get just close enough to hear.

"Where's that damn monkey?" the poodle says, "I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Wednesday, February 14, 2007 -- Radio Help

A woman called a radio station for help after finding a skunk in her basement.

"Leave a trail of breadcrumbs from your basement to your backyard," suggested the radio host.

An hour later the woman called back. "Now I have two skunks in my basement," she complained.

Thursday, February 15, 2007 -- Guess The Cows

An Alberta cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, Why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo. The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel Spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, receives a response.

Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, Miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the Cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"

"You're a member of parliament for the Canadian Government", says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required." answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about cows... this is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog."

(Thanks to Joan)

Friday, February 16, 2007 -- Getting The Order Right

"Look at this mess!" roared an angry customer at a local café, pointing to his squashed doughnut.

"It's just as you ordered it, sir," the waitress replied meekly. "You told me to bring you coffee and a doughnut and step on it."

Monday, February 19, 2007 -- Monkey in the Bar

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. He takes his first sip and sets it down. While he is looking around the bar, a monkey swings down and steals the pint of beer from him before he is able to stop the monkey.

The man asks the barman who owns the monkey. The barman replies the piano player. The man walks over to the piano player and says "Do you know your monkey stole my beer."

The pianist replies "No, but if you hum it, I'll play it."

Tuesday, February 20, 2007 -- What Was the Problem Before?

Taxiing down the tarmac, the jetliner abruptly stopped, turned around and returned to the gate.

After an hour-long wait, it finally took off.

A concerned passenger asked the flight attendant, "What was the problem?"

"The pilot was bothered by a noise he heard in the engine," explained the Flight Attendant, "and it took us a while to find a new pilot."

Wednesday, February 21, 2007 -- A Seal In A Local Bar

A seal walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender asks the seal, "What's your pleasure?"

The seal replies, "Anything but Canadian Club."

Thursday, February 22, 2007 -- A Good Chess Player

A man went to visit a friend and was amazed to find him playing chess with his dog. He watched the game in astonishment for a while.

"I can hardly believe my eyes!" he exclaimed. "That's the smartest dog I've ever seen."

"Nah, he's not so smart," the friend replied. "I've beaten him three games out of five."

Friday, February 23, 2007 -- Blinding Takeoff

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the centre aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

Monday, February 26, 2007 -- Calling God

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. For his first chapter he decided to write about American churches so he bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would work his way across the country from South to North.

On his first day he was inside a church, taking photographs, when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read, "$10,000 per call!"

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way. His next stop was in Atlanta.

There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he had seen in Orlando so he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God.

"Thank you," said the American.

He then travelled to Indianapolis, Washington, DC, Philadelphia, Boston, New York and Montpelier. In every church he saw the same golden telephone with the same "$10,000 per call" sign under it.

The American, upon realizing how close he was to the Canadian border, decided to see if Canadians had the same phone. He crossed the border and came to a small town called St. Stephen, and again, there was the same golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read, "10 cents per call."

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign.

"Father, I have travelled all over the United States and I have seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told it is a direct line to heaven, but in every state the price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?"

The priest smiled and answered, "You're in Canada now, son, it's a local call."

(Thanks to Keith)

Tuesday, February 27, 2007 -- The Drunk & The Trooper

It seems a gentleman had too much alcohol at a party, was heading home, and was pulled over by a state trooper. Upon being tested, the fellow couldn't walk a straight line any more than he could drive one, so the trooper wrote out a ticket and had just given it to the driver before an accident in the opposite lane took his attention to more important matters.

The inebriated driver, figuring that the trooper wasn't coming back to him, drove home and went to bed. he was awakened in the morning by a knock at the door, created by two more state troopers.

"Are you Mr. Johnson?" the asked? He admitted that he was.

"Were you pulled over at Main Street last night for driving under the influence?" Again, the man admitted that was he.

"And what did you do then," the troopers asked. The man replied that he drove his car home and went to bed.

"Where is your car now?" the troopers enquired. The man answered that it was in the garage.

"May we see the car?" asked the troopers. The man answered, "Sure," and opened the garage.

Inside the garage was the state troopers car.

Wednesday, February 28, 2007 -- Blind Date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

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