HOLDER TONIGHTwith
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER
JOKE DU JOUR
March 2007
HOLDER TONIGHTJOKE DU JOUR
March 2007
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Thursday, March 1, 2007 -- The Farmer & The Cow
A farmer was milking his cow. He was just starting to get a good rhythm going when a bug flew into the barn and started circling his head. Suddenly, the bug flew into the cow's ear.
The farmer didn't think much about it, until the bug squirted out into his bucket.
It went in one ear and out the udder.
Friday, March 2, 2007 -- Phone Call At The Club
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello!"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. I can hardly hear you.........are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat."
MAN: "Sure......go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .. The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It's really a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape. He smiles and asks, "Anyone know whose phone this is?"
(Thanks To Sandy)
Monday, March 5, 2007 -- The Bar Fight
A small boy ran down the street in search of a cop. Eventually finding one, he begged, "Please come back to the bar with me. My dad is in a fight!"
The officer accompanied him back to the bar where he found three men involved in a violent fistfight. "OK, son" said the cop, "which one is your father?"
"I don't know," said the boy. "That's what they're fighting about!"
Tuesday, March 6, 2007 -- The Anniversary
An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.
"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."
The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."
Wednesday, March 7, 2007 -- The Forecast
It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were asleep, when suddenly the phone rang.
The husband picked up the phone and said, "Hello? ... How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" -- and promptly slammed the phone down.
His wife rolls over and asks, "Who was that?"
The husband replies, "I don't know. Some guy who wanted to know if the coast was clear."
Thursday, March 8, 2007 -- The Pub Fight
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
" Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little runt, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?"
"That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
(Thanks to Pat)
Friday, March 9, 2007 -- Way To Go, Einstein!
When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speech making.
"I have an idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you." Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"
When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.
Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool. Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said:
"Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."
Monday, March 12, 2007 -- Remembering Richard Jeni
Today's Joke du Jour is in the form of an audio clip in memory of Richard Jeni, who took his last bow and left us too soon.
Please click on his name below for the audio file link
Tuesday, March 13, 2007 -- Picasso
Picasso once visited a local cabinet-maker to commission a mahogany wardrobe for his chateau in the South of France. To illustrate the design, he quickly drew a sketch showing its shape and dimensions, handing it to the craftsman.
"How much will it cost?" Picasso asked.
"Nothing," the cabinet-maker replied. "Just sign the sketch."
Wednesday, March 14, 2007 -- The Bus Ride
A young boy was telling a story of the travel adventures he had with his father to his mother. "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
"Well," said the mother, "You have done the right thing."
"But Mum," said the young lad, "I was sitting on Daddy's lap!"
(Thanks to JP)
Thursday, March 15, 2007 -- The Grocery Clerk
A man in the Florida supermarket tries to buy half a head of lettuce. The very young produce assistant tells him that they sell only whole heads of lettuce. The man persists and asks to see the manager. The boy says he'll ask his manager about it.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some idiot wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman has kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal, and the man went on his way.
Later the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"
"Canada, sir," the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but hookers and hockey players up there."
"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
"Oh yeah?" replied the boy. "Who'd she play for?"
(Thanks to Sheldon)
Friday, March 16, 2007 -- Checking The Contract
A wife noticed that her husband is looking intently at a particular document. This has her puzzled. She asks, "Honey..... What are you looking for?"
"Nothing," came the reply from her husband.
"Nothing!" she replied. "You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour!"
"I know," said the husband, "I was just looking for the expiration date."
(Thanks to JP)
Monday, March 19, 2007 -- Looks
A wife asked her husband, "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied, "I like your sense of humour."
(Thanks to JP)
Tuesday, March 20, 2007 -- What Will You Do for Golf?
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."
Wednesday, March 21, 2007 -- Police Bias?
A middle aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Is it my face?"
"No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."
Thursday, March 22, 2007 -- Life of Cows and Bulls
A bunch of cows and bulls are standing in a field. A huge gust of wind comes along and all the cows fall over, but the bulls just stand there, bracing themselves against the gale. So all the cows stand up and brush themselves off and go back to their business.
Pretty soon, a tornado blows through and all of the cows are knocked to the ground, but the bulls just munch on the grass.
Next, a hurricane comes through and all the cows are knocked into the next pasture. The bulls just say "moo."
Finally, one of the cows walks up to one of the bulls and says, "Moo? What's the mooing deal? How come the wind always knocks us for a loop and you just stand there unharmed ?"
"Isn't it obvious?" the bull replies. "We bulls wobble, but we don't fall down."
Friday, March 23, 2007 -- Visit To The Car Dealer
One day, an elderly woman was walking along the street, coming home from the supermarket. Her bag of groceries was especially heavy that day, and as she passed Nathan Hale's Used Cars, she got an idea that she could drive herself to the store and save a lot of shoe leather, time and aching muscles. She walks into the car dealership and, as it just so happens, gets the owner himself. He asks her what kind of car she wants and she replies,
"Well, sonny, I can't remember the name exactly, but it has something to do with hate or anger."
The owner replies, "Well, let's see... Oh yes, you want a Plymouth Fury! We have a couple on the lot. What color do you prefer?"
The lady has some trouble explaining the exact color to him, so she reaches into her shopping bag, takes out an ear of corn, strips down the shucks and says, "I want this color sonny."
To which Nathan replies, "Ma'am I'm sorry, but we don't have any in this colour. Could I show you a nice blue one?"
"No son, I want this colour."
"But ma'am, they didn't make that colour! Maybe a cherry red one would suit you?" says the owner, obviously worried about losing a sale.
By this time, the old lady gets mad, and starts throwing things at the owner, thereby chasing him out of the office and into the lot. One of the salesmen, coming into the office from the back door, notices the disruption and asks the secretary what the old woman was so upset about.
The secretary replies, "Apparently, Hale hath no Fury like the woman's corn!"
Tuesday, March 27, 2007 -- A Tribe Within Africa
There was a tribe in Africa which was very fierce and warring...they would battle all the tribes in the area, and they always won. As a victory trophy, they would take the throne of the chief of the defeated tribe and carry it home, chanting victory chants and singing the whole way. When they got home, they would put the throne in the attic of the grass hut. This went on for quite some time, and soon the throne collection grew, adding to the prestige of the tribe.
One day, they battled a tribe of fairly large people, some might call them giants. They won, and they struggled to get the throne home...but the chanting and joyousness prevailed as usual. When they got home, they had the ritual of putting the throne in the attic of the grass hut, but the weight was too much. The ceiling collapsed, killing everyone on the tribe.
The moral: People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007 -- Respect
The boss was complaining in the staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect. Later that morning he went to a local card and novelty shop and bought a small sign that read, "I'm the Boss." He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said. "Your wife called, she wants her sign back!"
(Thanks to Godo)
Thursday, March 29, 2007 -- The Test
A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in.
The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point."
The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change.
(Thanks to Godo)
Friday, March 30, 2007 -- The Anthropologist's Wish
An anthropologist by the name of Benny was working in the desert when he happened upon an odd looking vase. After cleaning it he pried open the lid and was astonished when a genie sprang from the container and granted him 3 wishes.
Benny wished for enormous wealth, huge land holdings and a bevy of beautiful wives. All wishes were granted, but on one condition. Never again in his life could the anthropologist get a haircut or shave. To do so would mean instant imprisonment in the same urn in which the genie had been imprisoned.
All went well during the first few years of his lavish lifestyle, but his beard and long hair became more and more of a problem. One day, during a moment of weakness and desperation he ran to the bathroom, grabbed some scissors and began cutting off his beard. Immediately his fortunes vanished, and he found himself trapped in the urn lying in the desert sand.
The moral of this story? A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
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