HOLDER TONIGHT
with
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER

JOKE DU JOUR

April 2007

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - April 2007

Things You Shouldn't Say To The Tax Department [78 votes total]   "Hey, you'll get it when you get it!" (19) 24% "That shouldn't count - it's offshore!" (13) 17% "Between you and me, do you like uncut diamonds?" (4) 5% "Are my meth lab expenses tax deductible?" (18) 23% "What! I have to do this EVERY year!?!" (24) 31%

Monday, April 2, 2007 -- Bedtime Story

A Husband and wife are in bed together. The wife feels her husband's hand rubbing her shoulder.

"Oh, that feels good," she says. His hand moves to her breast.

"Gee, honey, that feels wonderful," she coos. His hand moves to her leg.

"Oh, honey, don't stop," she pleads, but he stops.

The wife is all hot and bothered. "Why did you stop?"

"Because," he said, "I found the remote."

(Thanks to Sol)

Tuesday, April 3, 2007 -- Visiting the Lawyer

A guy from Czechoslovakia was visiting his cousin the lawyer in California, and they went for a hike in Yellowstone Park.

While they were hiking they were attacked by two bears, one male and one female. The male bear dismembered and ate the Czechoslovakian guy, but the lawyer managed to escape.

He ran straight to the nearest Rangers station, and told them what had happened, and they sent out a group of Rangers to see what was going on.

Sure enough, the Rangers arrived at the place that the lawyer mentioned, and there were the female and the male bears. So one of the Rangers took his rifle and shot the female.

So the other Rangers asked, "Why did you shoot the female? He said that the male ate his friend."

To which the Ranger replies, "Would you believe a lawyer if he told you that the Czech is in the male?"

Wednesday, April 4, 2007 -- The Pun Contest

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Thursday, April 5, 2007 -- Grazing

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?", he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then."

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with me too!" he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!"

They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo. Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand, the grass at my home is about three feet tall!"

Friday, April 6, 2007 -- The Little Girl In Church

A little nine year old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill.

"Mommy," she said "Can we leave now?"

"No" her mother replied.

"Well, I think I have to throw up!"

"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush."

In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.

"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.

"Yes" the little girl replied.

"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"

"I didn't have to go out of the church Mommy," the little girl replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says 'for the sick'."

Monday, April 9, 2007 -- Why Did He Fire You?

Two neighbours were talking about work, when one asked, "Say, why did the foreman fire you?"

Replied the second, "Well, you know how a foreman is always standing around and watching others do the work. My foreman got jealous. People started thinking I was the foreman."

Tuesday, April 10, 2007 -- Oysters

Why don't oysters give to charity?

Because they're shell fish!!

(Thanks to Keith)

Wednesday, April 11, 2007 -- Constantly Complaining about the Temperature

A customer was bothering the waiter in a restaurant. First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient, he walked back and forth and never once got angry. So finally, a second customer asked him why he didn't throw out the pest.

"Oh, I really don't care or mind," said the waiter with a smile. "We don't even have an air conditioner."

Thursday, April 12, 2007 -- Good Roast

Two cannibals sat beside a large fire, after eating the best meal they'd had in ages.

"Your wife sure makes a good roast." commented the first cannibal.

"Yeah," replied the second. "I'm really going to miss her..."

Friday, April 13, 2007 -- Here Comes the Bride

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.

But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.

The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!"

The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,"Ohhh my God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"

Monday, April 16, 2007 -- Dropped Your Wallet

Two fishermen were out on the lake when one of them dropped his wallet. As they watched the wallet float down to the depths of the lake, a carp came along and snatched up the wallet. Soon came another carp who stole it away and then a third joined in.

Remarked one of the fisherman, "That's the first time I've ever seen carp-to-carp walleting."

(Thanks to Bob)

Tuesday, April 17, 2007 -- Tender Missionaries

Two cannibals, Handible and Elbob meet one day. Handible said, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender."

Elbob asked, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

"Oh, you know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend in the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Aha!" the Elbob exclaimed, "No wonder! Those are fryers!"

Wednesday, April 18, 2007 -- Praying For Money

A little boy wanted $100 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God, Canada, they decided to send it to the Prime Minister. Steven Harper was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Harper thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:

"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money, however, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa, and they deducted $95 in taxes!"

(Thanks to Chris)

Thursday, April 19, 2007 -- Complaints

In a train compartment a young couple and an elderly, somewhat ragged man were sitting. The girl looks like she's having some discomfort so her boyfriend asks her, "What's wrong honey?"

She replies. "My head hurts."

Her boyfriend kisses her forehead, and asks her, "Is it better now?"

"Yes," she says.

Then he asks, "Does it hurt somewhere else?"

"Here," she replies, pointing to her lips. So the boyfriend kisses her lips.

"Is it better now?"

"Much better."

"Anywhere else?"

She replies by pointing to her neck. So the boyfriend kisses her neck.

Annoyed at the pitiful public display, the elderly man asks the young man, "Excuse me pal, do you do hemorrhoids?"

(Thanks to Bob)

Friday, April 20, 2007 -- Pull Over

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the person behind the wheel was knitting!

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "PULL OVER!"

"NO!" the driver yelled back, "SCARF!"

Monday, April 23, 2007 -- Things You Shouldn't Ask Your Mother

Seven year old Susie approached her mother one morning and asked, "Mommie how old are you?" To which her mother responded, "Now Susie, that is not a question you should ask a woman."

Susie then replied, "Well, how much do you weigh?" Once again her mother said, "Susie that is another question you never ask a woman."

Perplexed, Susie was sitting on the steps when her best friend eight year old Anna came by. "Why so sad?" Anna asked. Susie replied, "I asked my mother how old she was, and how much she weighed, but she wouldn't tell me."

Immediately, the ever worldly Anna put her hands on her hips, lilted to one side and advised Susie to get her mother's drivers license out of her purse and she could get all the answers.

Triumphantly, Susie marched into the kitchen where her mother was preparing dinner and announced, "I saw your driver's license, and know you are 35 years old." She continued with, "And I know you weigh 135 pounds."

Susie's mother sighed and admitted to her age and weight.

Finally Susie exclaimed, "And...I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Puzzled by this remark her mother asked, "How do you know this?"

Susie waved the license in the air, and replied:

"It says right here you got an "F" in sex!!"

Tuesday, April 24, 2007 -- Calf Birth

A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event.

The man thought, "Great, he's 4 and I'm gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun, I'll just let him ask, and I'll answer."

After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, "Well son, do you have any questions?"

"Just one," gasped the still wide-eyed lad.

"How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?"

Wednesday, April 25, 2007 -- Bubba Had Shingles

If you've ever been to a doctor's office you know how long the wait times can be to get service. Here's what happened to Bubba:

Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: "Shingles." So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles." So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, "Shingles." The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??"

(Thanks to Sheldon)

Thursday, April 26, 2007 -- Arm Problems

A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you check it out please?" the man pleads.

The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk. "Hello Doctor," says the arm, "could you lend me twenty bucks please? I'm desperate."

The doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

(Thanks to Bob)

Friday, April 27, 2007 -- Free Trade

A Canadian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a Tim Horton's, when an American man, chewing gum, sat down next to him.

The Canadian man ignored the American, who, nevertheless started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, "You Canadian folk eat the whole bread?"

"Of course."

The American blew a huge bubble. "We don't. In the States, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a big container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Canada." The American had a smirk on his face.

The Canadian listened in silence.

The American persisted. "Do ya eat jelly with the bread?"

Sighing, the Canadian replied, "Of course."

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, "We don't. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in a container, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Canada."

The Canadian then asked, "Do you have sex in the States?"

The American smiled and said, "Why of course we do."

The Canadian leaned closer to him and asked, "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

We throw them away, of course," said the American.

We don't. In Canada, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum, and sell them to the United States."

(Thanks to Louie)

Monday, April 30, 2007 -- Sex Drive

A 97-year old man goes into his doctor's office and says, "Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think your sex drive is all in your head?"

"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lower!"