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May 2007

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - May 2007
Signs You're At A Bad Wedding [66 votes total]
Groom is wearing an ankle monitor (12) 18%
Minister keeps winking at the bride (10) 15%
Guests are speed dating during the vows (5) 8%
At the alter there's just a pregnant bride and a raffle box (19) 29%
The entire wedding party has the same last name (20) 30%

Tuesday, May 1, 2007 -- Story of Elijah

The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut a steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times

"Now," asked the teacher, "Can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"

A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know! I know!" she said, "To make the gravy!"

(Thanks to JP)

Wednesday, May 2, 2007 -- Ostrich Race

In Australia, a race was proclaimed, with a huge payoff for the winner. The one stipulation was that only ostriches were allowed to run the race.

A fellow decided to enter, but not having an ostrich, and hearing that the fastest ostrich in the world was the mascot of the local police department, he stole the bird and entered the race.

As luck would have it, when the pistol shot went off to start the race, the ostrich buried its head in the sand and the fellow lost the race.

Moral: Never run afoul of the law!

Thursday, May 3, 2007 -- The Movie Theatre

When the usher noticed a man stretched across three seats in the movie theatre, he walked over and whispered, "Sorry sir, but you are allowed only one seat."

The man moaned but didn't budge.

"Sir," the usher said more loudly, "if you don't move, I'll have to call the manager."

The man moaned again but stayed where he was.

The usher left and returned with the manager, who, after several attempts at dislodging the fellow, called the police. The cop looked at the reclining man and said, "All right, what's your name, joker?"

"Joe", he mumbled.

"And where are you from, Joe?"

Joe responds painfully, "The balcony!"

Friday, May 4, 2007 -- Rodent Soup

The man in the cafe asked the waiter, "What is this mouse doing in my alphabet soup?"

The waiter looked for a minute and said, "Learning to read, sir."

Monday, May 7, 2007 -- Thanks To The Doctor

A man visiting a doctor says, "Doctor I just dropped in to tell you how much I benefited from your treatment."

The doctor replied, "But you are not one of my patients."

The man said, "I know. But my uncle Bill was, and I am his heir."

Tuesday, May 8, 2007 -- Employee Injury

One day an employee came in to work with both of his ears bandaged. When his boss asked him what happened, he explained: "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron instead of the phone!"

"Well," the boss said, "that explains one ear, but what about the other?"

Replied the employee, "They called back!"

Wednesday, May 9, 2007 -- Idiot Farmer

An idiot decided to start a chicken farm, so he bought a hundred chickens to start. A month later, he returned to the dealer for another hundred chickens because all of the first lot had died.

A month later he was back at the dealers for another hundred chickens for the second lot had also died.

"But I think I know where I'm going wrong," said the idiot. "I think I am planting them too deep."

Thursday, May 10, 2007 -- The Toast

A guy and a girl are having a drink together in a bar. The man raises his glass and says, "Here's hoping you're in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you're dead!"

"What's that mean?" asks the girl.

"That," answers her date, "is an authentic Irish toast."

"Oh. Well, here's to bread, eggs and cinnamon."

"What's that?" asked the guy.

The girl says, "That's French toast."

Friday, May 11, 2007 -- The Late Cannibal

Question. What did the cannibal's wife give her husband when he came home late for dinner?

Answer. The cold shoulder.

Monday, May 14, 2007 -- Barn Fire

The barn at Larry and Susan's farm burned down, and Susan called the insurance company.

Susan said, "We had that barn insured for $50,000 and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Wait just a minute, Susan, it doesn't work quite like that. We will determine the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth."

Susan, after a pause said, "I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband."

Tuesday, May 15, 2007 -- The Quest For A Child

A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them.

"I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you."

When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.

"He's gone to Rome," came the harried reply, "to blow that candle out."

Wednesday, May 16, 2007 -- Judgement Day

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.

When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.

"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.

His honour, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud, "$20 contempt of court! That's why!"

Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented, "That's all right. You don't have to pay now."

The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Thursday, May 17, 2007 -- The Wake Up Call

A New York businessman boarded a train in Albany on his way to Buffalo. As it was a night train, he took a sleeper car and gave the porter strict instructions to awaken him and put him off in Buffalo.

"I am a very heavy sleeper," the passenger said, "and I may give you a hard time, but I have an extremely important corporate meeting to attend. Make sure you put me off in Buffalo even if you have to throw me off in my pajamas."

The next morning the man woke up to find himself in Cleveland. He located the porter and chewed him out with some very abusive language. After the man left, a bystander asked the porter how he could stand there and take the verbal abuse.

"That weren't nothin'," the porter replied. "You should've heard the guy I put off in Buffalo!"

(Thanks to Bob)

Friday, May 18, 2007 -- The Optometrist

Did you hear what happened to the optometrist?

He fell into his lens grinder and made a spectacle of himself.

Monday, May 21, 2007 -- The Painless Delivery

A married couple rushed to the hospital because the woman was in labour. The doctor asked the couple, "I have invented a new machine that you might want to try, it takes some of the labour pains away from the mother and gives it to the father." So the married couple decided that they would try this.

The doctor hooked the machine up and put it on 10% of pain switched from the mother to the father and the husband said, "I feel okay, turn it up a lot more."

So the doctor turned it up to 50% and the husband said, "Why don't you just put it all on me cause I'm not feeling a thing."

But the doctor warned them, "This much could kill you if your not prepared." The husband replied, "I am ready. "

So the doctor turned the machine up to 100% but the husband didn't feel a thing so they went home happy with a pain free labour. But when they got home the mailman was dead on the front porch!

Tuesday, May 22, 2007 -- Tower of Pisa

Did you hear the Italian Government is going to put a clock on the Leaning Tower of Pisa?

They figure, "Hey, what good is the inclination, if you don't have the time?"

(Thanks to Bob)

Wednesday, May 23, 2007 -- Three Wishes

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double."

The man agreed, and said, "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions.

The man said, "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars.

Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."

Thursday, May 24, 2007 -- A Job At The Zoo

This guy needs a job and decides to apply at the zoo. As it happened, their star attraction, a gorilla, had passed away the night before and they had carefully preserved his hide. They tell this guy that they'll pay him well if he would dress up in the gorilla's skin and pretend to be the gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.

Well, the guy has his doubts, but hey, he goes for it. After all, he needs the money. So he puts on the skin and goes out into the cage.

The people all cheer to see him. He plays up to the audience and they just eat it up.

"This isn't so bad," he thinks, and he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring, swinging around.

During one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion roars. He's terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help, Help!"

The lion races over to him, places his paws on his chest and hisses, "Shut up or we'll BOTH lose our jobs!"

Friday, May 25, 2007 -- Life After Death

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, sir," the clerk replied.

"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Monday, May 28, 2007 -- The Real Estate Salesman

An inexperienced real estate salesman asked his boss if he could refund the deposit to an angry customer who had discovered that the lot he had bought was under water.

"What kind of salesman are you?" the boss scolded. "Get out there and sell him a boat."

(Thanks to Bridget)

Tuesday, May 29, 2007 -- Don't Kill the Insects

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it.

"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week."

Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it.

"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."

The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter.

Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped it.

The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"

(Thanks to Bernie)

Wednesday, May 30, 2007 -- Off to Vegas

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

"Just where the heck do you think you're going?" said the man.

"I'm going to Las Vegas," said the wife. "I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!"

The man said, "Wait a minute!", and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

"Where the heck are you going?", said the wife.

The man said, "I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!"

(Thanks to Marsha)

Thursday, May 31, 2007 -- Naked Gambling

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady comes in and wants to bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that she strips naked from her neck down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs new clothes!"

Then she hollers..."YES! yes,! I WON! I WON!" Then she begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves.

The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

(Thanks to Greg)

Picture Of The Month

How NOT to pop a zit!

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