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June 2007

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - June 2007
Famous Last Words [61 votes total]

"Letís see, is it the red wire or the blue wire?" (17) 28%
"Well honey, itís not the dress that makes you look fat" (19) 31%
"Thatís right Mike Tyson, Iím talking to you sissy boy!" (6) 10%
"Címon the train isnít going that fast!" (8) 13%
"I do" (11) 18%

Friday, June 1, 2007 -- Directions

The teacher of the school geography class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, "Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude?"

After a confused silence, little Johnny volunteered, "I guess you'd be eating alone!"

(Thanks to Cindy)

Monday, June 4, 2007 -- Bug Spray Salesman

A salesman was travelling through the countryside, selling insect repellent.

He came to a farmhouse and tried his pitch on the farmer. "Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again, I guarantee it."

The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you."

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped. The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake. Back to the house went the farmer.

The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked, "For crying out loud, Mister, doesn't that calf have a mother?!!!"

Tuesday, June 5, 2007 -- Buying Cyanide

A lady walked into a drug store and told the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The woman explained that she needed it to poison her husband.

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill a person! That's against the law! I'll lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen! Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife. He looked at the picture and replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription."

Wednesday, June 6, 2007 -- New Watch

Bill asks his friend Joe about the watch he's wearing. Bill says, "Where did you get that gold watch Joe?"

"I won it in a race," Joe replied.

"A race," Bill said, "How many people participated in it?"

"Three," said Joe, "A policeman, the owner of the watch and me."

(Thanks to Alice)

Thursday, June 7, 2007 -- My Men Are Very Brave

General McKenzie was in charge of the Navy, and he was visiting his colleague General Marshall, who was in charge of the Army. McKenzie arrives at the military camp and is greeted by Marshall. They both walk around the place, and Mackenzie asks, "So how are your men?"

"Very well trained, General McKenzie."

"I hope so. You see, my men over at the Navy are so well trained, you could see they're the bravest men all over the country."

"Well," says General Marshall, " my men are very brave, too."

"I'd like to see that," says General McKenzie.

So Marshall calls a private and says, "Private Johnson! I want you to stop that tank coming here with your body!"

"Are you crazy? It'd kill me, you idiot! I'm out of here!"

As private Johnson ran away, Marshall turned to a bewildered McKenzie and said, "You see? You have to be pretty brave to talk like that to a general."

(Thanks to Sam)

Friday, June 8, 2007 -- Slow Golfers

Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play nine holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back. His boss asks what the problem is.

"Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe.

Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.

Joe asked, "What's wrong?"

"It's a small, small world Joe," said Phil, "and you're fired!"

(Thanks to Ludmilla)

Monday, June 11, 2007 -- Wimpiest Dad

Two kids are arguing over whose father is the wimpiest.

The first one says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he slides underneath the bed."

The second kid says, "That's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom works the night shift, he sleeps with the woman next door!"

(Thanks to Alice)

Tuesday, June 12, 2007 -- New Family Driver

Martin had just received his brand new driver's license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes Dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."

(Thanks to Felix)

Wednesday, June 13, 2007 -- Vacationing Clintons

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love.

They exchanged hellos, and went on their way.

As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today."

She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."

(Thanks to Jack)

Thursday, June 14, 2007 -- The Nuns

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of chardonnay."

(Thanks to Rebecca)

Friday, June 15, 2007 -- The Amazing Italian

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read, "Don't Miss ĎThe Amazing Italian'". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian man. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss ĎThe Amazing Italian'". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table.

The same...now very old...Italian man stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the old man, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

(Thanks to JP)

Monday, June 18, 2007 -- Religious Battle Golf

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres. We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honoured and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Woods."

(Thanks to Oscar)

Tuesday, June 19, 2007 -- The Morning After

The morning after their honeymoon night, Julie says to her husband, "you know, you're really a lousy lover!"

Her husband replies, "How would you know after only 30 seconds?"

(Thanks to Randall)

Wednesday, June 20, 2007 -- Final Request

Two men, sentenced to die in the electric chair on the same day, were led down to the room in which they would meet their maker. The priest had given them last rites, the formal speech had been given by the warden, and a final prayer had been said among the participants. The Warden, turning to the first man, solemnly asked, "Son, do you have a last request?"

To which the man replied, "Yes sir, I do. I love dance music. Could you please play The Macarena for me one last time?"

"Certainly," replied the warden. He turned to the other man and asked, "Well, what about you, son? What is your final request?"

"Please," said the condemned man, "kill me first."

(Thanks to Norton)

Thursday, June 21, 2007 -- The Butcher & The Lawyer

A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbour of his. The neighbour happened to be a lawyer.

Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbour and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?"

The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?"


A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: "Legal Consultation Service: $150."

(Thanks to Marion)

Friday, June 22, 2007 -- The Boutique

"May I try on that dress in the window?" Vickie asks the manager of the designer boutique.

"Go ahead," the manager replies, "Maybe it'll attract some business."

(Thanks to Bob)

Monday, June 25, 2007 -- Idiot Buys A Chainsaw

An idiot walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will cut six trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model. The idiot is suitably impressed, and buys it.

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective. It would only cut down one tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!"

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the idiot asks, "What's that noise?"

(Thanks to Trixie)

Tuesday, June 26, 2007 -- Three Dogs

Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.

When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for, he answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"

The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidentally bumped into the table and broke them all."

The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for. The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"

"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.

The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails clipped!"

Wednesday, June 27, 2007 -- An Irishman's First Baseball Game

An Irishman moves to the USA and attends his first baseball game. The first batter approached the batter's box, took a few swings and then hits a double. Everyone was on their feet screaming, "Run! Run!"

The next batter hits a single, and the Irishman listened as the crowd again cheered: "RUN, RUN!" The Irishman enjoyed the game and began screaming with the fans.

The fifth batter came up and four balls went by. The umpire called "Walk" and the batter started his slow trot to first base.

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "R-R-Run, ye lazy bum, run!"

The people around him began laughing. Embarrassed, the Irishman sat back down.

A friendly fan noted the man's embarrassment, leaned over and explained: "He can't run. He's got four balls."

The Irishman stood up and screamed, "Walk with pride, lad!"

(Thanks to JP)

Thursday, June 28, 2007 -- Pan Handling

Jose and Carlos are panhandling at the freeway off ramp. Jose drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage free house and has a lot of money to spend. Carlos only brings in 2 to 3 dollars a day.

Carlos asks Jose how he can bring home a suitcase full of $10 bills every day.

Jose says, "Look at your sign." It reads: "I have no work, a wife &6 kids to support"

Carlos looks at Jose's sign. It reads: "I only need another $10.00 to move back to Mexico."

(Thanks to JP)

Friday, June 29, 2007 -- Fishing License

A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten track. All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes.

Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods like a bat out of hell. The Game Warden was hot on his heels.

After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.

"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped. With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid fishing license.

"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"

"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend back there, well, he don't have one."

(Thanks to Ralph)

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