HOLDER TONIGHT
with
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER

JOKE DU JOUR

July 2007

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - July 2007

Signs You've Hired The Wrong House Keeper [68 votes total] Her last four employers all died in house fires (19) 28% You recognize her from "movies" on your computer (6) 9% Her entire family is on the federal "no fly" list (8) 12% Every time you wake up she's standing over you (24) 35% She writes profanities in the dust (11) 16% EMAIL THIS POLL

Monday, July 2, 2007 -- The Bible

There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business, so she did a lot of flying. Flying made her nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her.

One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."

He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"

She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him." replied the lady.

(Thanks to Chip)

Tuesday, July 3, 2007 -- Baby Pigeon

The baby pigeon said, "I can't make it; I'll get too tired."

His mother said, "Don't worry; I'll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine."

The baby pigeon started to cry.

"What's wrong?" said the mother.

Replied the baby pigeon, "I don't want to be pigeon towed!"

(Thanks to Bob)

Wednesday, July 4, 2007 -- Barbie Shopping

Tim is shopping to find a Barbie for his daughter when he realizes that he knows nothing about Barbie and there aren't even prices on them. So, Tim brings three Barbie dolls to the checkout.

"Hi, how may I help you," says the checkout guy.

Tim replies, "I have three Barbies and I need to know what they are and how much they cost?"

The checkout guys says, "Well, the first one is Princess Barbie and she is $20 dollars. The second one is Forever Barbie and she is $25 dollars. The third is Divorce Barbie and she is $250."

"What!!" Tim shouts. "Are you kidding me?!! Why is Divorce Barbie so much?"

The checkout guy explains, "Well, Divorce Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, and everything else Ken owns!!"

(Thanks to Sid)

Thursday, July 5, 2007 -- Paris Thief

A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of fuel.

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied, "Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings . . .I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."

(and you thought I didn't have De Gaulle to read this)

Well, I figured I had nothing Toulouse!!!!

(Thanks to Bill)

Friday, July 6, 2007 -- The Dire Straits Bank

A guy goes into a bank to open up a new chequing account. The branch manager tells him that he could get an original Claude Monet painting and unlimited free chequing just for opening the account.

"So let me get this straight", said the guy. "You mean I get the Monet for nothing and my cheques for free?"

(Thanks to Bob)

Monday, July 23, 2007 -- Red Tomatoes

A woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red.

One day, she meet a neighbour who had the most beautiful garden full of red tomatoes. She asked him, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"

He responded, "Each day at sunrise I water my tomatoes, I sing to them wearing only my house coat and just before going back into the house I flash in front of my garden. and my tomatoes turn red from blushing ."

Being impressed, she decided to try the same thing.

A week later he was passing by and asked "By the way, how are tomatoes ?"

"Still green," she replied, "however, my cucumbers are huge!"

(Thanks to Brian)

Tuesday, July 24, 2007 -- The Murder Trial

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard."

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

The voice in the back of the courtroom again yells out, "You bastard."

The judge stops, and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that a problem?"

The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "For fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

(Thanks to JP)

Wednesday, July 25, 2007 -- Viagra

A 80 year man went to see his doctor and wanted to try some Viagra. The doctor agreed but he recommended that he take one pill on the first day, skip the second day, take a pill on the third day, skip the fourth day and so on.

A week later the doctor decided to call him wondering how things were going. His wife answered the phone sounding quite sad.

The doctor asked, "How's your husband?"

She replied, "Oh, he died yesterday. It wasn't the Viagra that killed him, it was all that skipping."

(Thanks to Brian)

Thursday, July 26, 2007 -- Cheating

Three women are having lunch, discussing their husbands. The first says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a pair of stockings in his jacket pocket, and they weren't mine!"

The second says, "My husband is cheating on me, I just know it. I found a condom in his wallet, so I poked it full of holes with my sewing needle!"

The third woman fainted.

(Thanks to JP)

Friday, July 27, 2007 -- The Ring

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.

The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring. The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special."

At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over. "Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said.

The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "By cheque. I know you need to make sure my cheque is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon."

Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know" said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!"

(Thanks to Eva Marie)

Monday, July 30, 2007 -- The Highways Employee

A cocky state Highways employee stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer. He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for a possible new road."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field."

The Highways employee said, "I have the authority of the State Government to go where I want. See this card? I am allowed to go wherever I wish on farm land."

So the old farmer went about his farm chores.

Later, he heard loud screams and saw the State Highways employee running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's prize bull. The bull was madder than a nest full of hornets and the bull was gaining on the employee at every step!!

The old farmer called out, "Show him your card!!"

(Thanks to Shamus)

Tuesday, July 31, 2007 -- The Rancher & The Vet

A rancher asked his veterinarian for some free advice. "I have a horse that walks normally sometimes, and sometimes he limps. What shall I do?"

The Vet replied, "The next time he walks normally, sell him."