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August 2007

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - August 2007
Signs Your Child May Become a Criminal [68 votes total]

There's a hand sticking out of his sandbox (14) 21%
You discover an Easy Bake Oven/meth lab in your basement (15) 22%
He's turning a profit from his sister's Barbie dolls (10) 15%
Forced a kid to take a dive during dodgeball (10) 15%
Eyewitness News has a helicopter chasing his tricycle (19) 28%

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Wednesday, August 1, 2007 -- Chicken Boy

"Doctor, I have a son who thinks he's a chicken," said the man.

"Why don't you bring him in for treatment?" asked the doctor.

Replied the man, "We need the eggs."

Thursday, August 2, 2007 -- Rainy Ireland

A newcomer to Ireland arrives on a rainy day. He gets up the next day and it's raining. It also rains the day after that, and the day after that.

He goes out to lunch and sees a young kid and asks out of despair, "Hey kid, does it ever stop raining around here?"

The kid says, "How do I know? I'm only 6."

(Thanks to JP)

Friday, August 3, 2007 -- Trouble Back On The Farm

An Idaho farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.

"Is your dad home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well," said the farmer, "is your mom here?"

"No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with mom and dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one. Or maybe I could take a message fer dad."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

(Thanks to JP)

Monday, August 20, 2007 -- Working In Detroit

A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Detroit. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.

When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.

His co-worker said to reconsider and that Detroit was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, close to Canada, good public transportation, etc.

Then he said, "Why I myself worked in Detroit for almost 10 years and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."

The first asked, "What did you do there?"

To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."

Tuesday, August 21, 2007 -- The Farmer's Declaration

A travelling ventriloquist on the road in between jobs decided to practice his craft before his next show. He stopped at a farmhouse and approached the farmer who lived there.

"Hello there, Mr. Farmer, I was just passing by and I was wondering if I might speak to your dog."

The farmer replied, "Well, you know, dogs don't talk."

The ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a dog might tell you. Can I speak with him?"

The farmer, eyeing the ventriloquist suspiciously, called his dog.

"Hi there, Mr. dog," said the ventriloquist. "How does the farmer treat you?" To which the dog replied, "Oh, he's great! He throws a stick for me, scratches my belly, and I just love him!!"

Needless to say, the farmer was dumbfounded.

Wanting to see if he could fool the farmer again, the ventriloquist asked if he could speak with the farmer's horse.

"Well, you know, horses don't talk." Again the ventriloquist said, "You'd be surprised what a horse might tell you."

So the farmer brought out his horse.

"Say, Mr. Horse, how does the farmer treat you?" asked the ventriloquist. The horse then replied, "Oh, I think he's great. He feeds me oats, he puts a blanket over me at night, and I just love him!"

Again the farmer was amazed.

Wanting to try his luck a third time, the ventriloquist said, "Mr. Farmer, would you like to hear what the sheep has to say about you?"

"Well," declared the farmer, "Sheep lie, ya' know."

Wednesday, August 22, 2007 -- The Martini Drinker

A fellow came into a bar and ordered a martini. Before drinking it, he removed the olive and carefully put it into a glass jar. Then he ordered another martini and did the same thing. After an hour, when he was full of martinis and the jar was full of olives, he staggered out.

"Well," said a customer, "I never saw anything as peculiar as that!"

"What's so peculiar about it?" the bartender said. "His wife sent him out for a jar of olives."

(Thanks to Keith)

Thursday, August 23, 2007 -- The Golf Pro

A golf pro caught up with a threesome and asked if he could join them for the rest of the round. The guys agreed under one condition: that he would let them know what they were doing wrong. He agreed.

The first golfer told the pro that he had a bad slice. The pro told him to hit and he would analyze his swing. He proceeded to hit a major slice. He turned to the pro for advice and the pro informed him it was his LOFT.

The second golfer informed the pro that he had the opposite problem; a bad hook. He got on the tee and proceeded to hit this ugly duck hook. Looking to the pro for advice, he got the same advice as his friend. "It's your LOFT."

The third golfer, who was a big, burly guy, said that he really struggled with this part of the game. He took a big, aggressive swing and almost missed the ball. He topped it and it rolled about 100 yards down the middle. Looking to the pro for advice, he was told, it too, was his LOFT.

Finally, the first golfer turned to the pro, "What in the hell is going on. I sliced the ball, he hooked it and he topped it, and you said it was our LOFT, how can that be?"

The pro looked at the golfers and said, "LOFT stands for Lack Of Freaking Talent!"

Friday, August 24, 2007 -- Fishing Buddies

Two guys were out fishing. One turned to the other one and asked him, "If I went over to your house and made love to your wife and she had a baby, would that make us related?"

The other man turned to his friend and said, " No . . . but it would make us even."

(Thanks to Mike)

Monday, August 27, 2007 -- The New Job

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager's office.

"What is the meaning of this?" the manager asked. "When you applied for the job, you told us you had 5 years' experience. Now we discover this is the first job you've ever had."

"Well," the young man said, "in your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination."

(Thanks to Keith)

Tuesday, August 28, 2007 -- The Cost Of Dentistry

A dentist says to his patient, " I have to pull the aching tooth, but don't worry it will take just five minutes."

The patient asks, "And how much will it cost?"

"It's $90.00," replied the dentist.

"$90.00 for just a few minutes work?" exclaimed the patient.

"Well," said the dentist, "I can extract it very slowly if you like."

(Thanks to Keith)

Thursday, August 30, 2007 -- Last Request From The Cannibals

Cannibals capture three men. The men are told that they will be skinned and eaten and then their skin will be used to make canoes. Then they are each given a final request.

The first man asks to be killed as quickly and painlessly as possible. His request is granted, and they poison him.

The second man asks for paper and a pen so that he can write a farewell letter to his family. This request is granted, and after he writes his letter, they kill him saving his skin for their canoes.

Now it is the third man's turn. He asks for a fork. The cannibals are confused, but it is his final request, so they give him a fork. As soon as he has the fork he begins stabbing himself all over and shouts, "To hell with your canoes!"

Friday, August 31, 2007 -- The Grade

Yale professor William Phelps was grading papers on a tough test. One of his students came up with a clever answer to a particularly difficult philosophical problem.

"God alone knows the answer to this question," the student wrote.

Phelps gave the test back to the student with this remark: "God gets an A. You get an F."

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