HOLDER TONIGHTwith
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER
JOKE DU JOUR
September 2007
HOLDER TONIGHTJOKE DU JOUR
September 2007
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Monday, September 3, 2007 -- Lazy Workers
A site foreman had ten very lazy men working for him, so one day he decided to trick them into doing some work for a change.
"I've got a really easy job today for the laziest one among you," he announced. "Will the laziest man please put his hand up?"
Nine hands went up.
"Why didn't you put your hand up?" he asked the tenth man.
"Too much trouble," came the reply.
Tuesday, September 4, 2007 -- Rebecca & Jacob
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Florida, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: "Are you the owner?"
The pharmacist answers, "Yes."
Jacob says "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
The pharmacist replied, "Of course we do."
"How about medicine for circulation?" asked Jacob.
The parmacist answers, "All kinds."
"Medicine for rheumatism and scoliosis?"
"Definitely," says the pharmacist.
"How about Viagra?"
"Of course."
"Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
"Yes, a large variety. The works."
"What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
"Absolutely."
"You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
"All speeds and sizes."
"Great," says Jacob, "We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry."
(Thanks to Rebecca)
Wednesday, September 5, 2007 -- Life At The Circus
A man is hired by the circus to perform a necessary but rather unpleasant task. He is asked to walk behind the elephants in the center ring, shovelling aside their droppings as they walk about. After a rather difficult evening at work, he goes to the circus cafeteria, sits with other workers, and begins complaining about his work.
"It's just terrible work, walking behind those huge beasts and first dodging, then shovelling aside the dung they produce. My arms are tired, my shoes and pants are a mess, and I'll have to shower before I return home, because of the stink."
His friends at work agree. "Why don't you just quit this miserable job and find something more rewarding to do. You have to have some skills and talents that you can put to use somewhere else."
He looks at them, stunned. "You know, you're probably right, but I just can't give up the glamour of show business!"
(Thanks to Keith)
Thursday, September 6, 2007 -- Union Negotiations
Negotiations between union members and their employer were at an impasse. The union denied that their workers were flagrantly abusing their contract's sick-leave provisions.
One morning at the bargaining table, the company's chief negotiator held aloft the morning edition of the newspaper, "This man," he announced, "called in sick yesterday!" There, on the sports page, was a photo of the supposedly ill employee, who had just won a local golf tournament with an excellent score.
A union negotiator broke the silence in the room. "Wow," he said. "Think of what kind of score he could have had if he hadn't been sick!"
(Thanks to Jimmy)
Friday, September 7, 2007 -- The Jailed Farmer
A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out. She's not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail, "Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?"
The farmer writes back, "Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are buried."
But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don't find one single weapon.
The farmer then writes to his wife, "Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes."
(Thanks to Oliver)
Monday, September 10, 2007 -- Religion For Bears
A priest, a Pentecostal preacher, and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University in Marquette . They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another, and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it.
Seven days later, they all came together to discuss their experience. Father Flannery, who had his arm in a sling, was on crutches, and had various bandages on his body and limbs, went first.
"Well," he said, "I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation."
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, had one arm and both legs in casts, and had an IV drip. In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he claimed, "WELL, brothers, you KNOW that we don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus."
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The Rabbi looked up and said, "Looking back on it, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
(Thanks to Rick)
Tuesday, September 11, 2007 -- William Tell
Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers.
However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire.
Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
(Thanks to Keith)
Wednesday, September 12, 2007 -- The Social Workers
Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening. They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane. Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.
"Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten" he pleaded.
The two social workers turned and walked away. One remarked to her colleague, "You know the person that did this really needs help."
Thursday, September 13, 2007 -- Who Is God?
A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"
"Both son. God is both."
After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"
"Both son, both."
"Daddy, does God love children?"
"Yes son, he loves all children."
The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
Monday, September 17, 2007 -- The Factory Worker
A man who worked at a fire hydrant factory was always late for work. When confronted by his boss the man explained, "You can't park anywhere near this place!"
(Thanks to Keith)
Tuesday, September 18, 2007 -- You Gotta Have Faith
There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front porch,raised her arms to the sky, and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!"
One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after her and yell, "THERE IS NO LORD!"
Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day. One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her front porch and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!"
The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge bags of groceries sitting there. "PRAISE THE LORD!" she cried out, "HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!"
The atheist neighbor jumped out of the hedges and shouted, "HA! HA! THERE IS NO LORD I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!"
The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"
Wednesday, September 19, 2007 -- A Trip To The Psychiatrist
A young woman took her troubles to a psychiatrist. "Doctor, you must help me," she pleaded. "It's gotten so that every time I date a nice guy, I end up in bed with him. And then afterward, I feel guilty and depressed for a week."
"I see," nodded the psychiatrist. "And you, no doubt, want me to strengthen your will power and resolve in this matter."
"For God's sake, NO!" exclaimed the woman. "I want you to fix it so I won't feel guilty and depressed afterward."
Thursday, September 20, 2007 -- The Drums
An anthropologist decides to investigate the natives of a far-flung tropical island. He flew there, found a guide with a canoe to take him up the river to the remote site where he would make his collections.
About noon on the second day of travel up the river they began to hear drums. Being a city boy by nature, the anthropologist was disturbed by this. He asked the guide, "What are those drums?"
The guide turned to him and said "Drums OK, but VERY BAD when they stop."
Then, after some hours, the drums suddenly stopped! This hit the anthropologist like a ton of bricks, and he yelled at the guide: "The Drums have stopped, what happens now?"
The guide crouched down, covered his head with his hands and said, "Bass Solo."
Friday, September 21, 2007 -- Rabbits
An adorable little girl walked into a pet shop and asked, "Excuse me, do you have any rabbits here?"
"We do," the sales representative answered, and leaning down to her eye level she asked, "Did you want a cute little cuddly white rabbit or would you rather have a soft, fuzzy black rabbit?"
She shrugged. "I don't think my python really cares."
Monday, September 24, 2007 -- The Pastor, the Vicar, and the Atheist
One day a Pastor, a Vicar and an atheist go on a fishing trip together. They are in the boat and the Pastor says, "Oh! No! I left the paddles on shore!" So he proceeds to get out of the boat and walk on the water to the shore to get them.
Once he had gotten back into the boat the Vicar says," Oh! No! I left the bait on shore too!" And like the Pastor the Vicer exits the boat and walks on the water to get the bait.
When the Vicar climbs back into the boat the atheist yells," Well if you guys can do it so can I!!!" and proceeds to climb out of the boat, but he falls into the water.
At this point the Pastor says, "Do you think we should have told him where the rocks are?"
Tuesday, September 25, 2007 -- The Train Trip
An American, travelling on a train in Europe, met a Cuban tobacco grower, a Russian vodka distiller and a lawyer. While they were talking business, the Cuban took out four cigars and passed them around. After lighting his own cigar, the Cuban took one drag and then threw it out the window, explaining that cigars were of no consequence in his country since there was such an abundance of them.
After dinner, the Russian passed out bottles of vodka. After taking just one swig, he threw the bottle out the window, explaining that vodka was of no consequence since, in Russia, it was so plentiful.
The American businessman sat in quiet contemplation for several minutes then arose and threw the lawyer out the window.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007 -- Perfect Golf Shot
Bob stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity. He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his backswing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, "What the hell is taking so long?"
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse," Bob explained. "I want to make a perfect shot."
"Good lord!" his companion exlaimed. "You don't have a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
Thursday, September 27, 2007 -- Cops and Robbers
A father had three very active boys.
One summer evening, he was playing cops and robbers in the back yard after dinner.
One of the boys "shot" his father and yelled, "Bang! You're dead!"
He slumped to the ground and when he didn't get up right away, a neighbour ran over to see if he had been hurt in the fall.
When the neighbour bent over, the overworked father opened one eye and said, "Shhh. Don't give me away. It's the only chance I've had to rest all day."
Friday, September 28, 2007 -- Amish and Elevator
An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially two shiny, silver walls in the hotel lobby that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an older lady, limping slightly with a cane, slowly walks up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened and the lady walks between them and into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched, small circles of light with numbers above the wall light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.
The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out.
The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."
(Thanks to Harrison)
The Stages Of Life
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