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October 2007

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - October 2007
Signs You're A Sports Fanatic [51 votes total]

Had bleachers installed in your bedroom (15) 29%
Keep giving strangers the foam finger (6) 12%
Team colours body paint is in every orifice (9) 18%
Started the wave during jury duty (11) 22%
Held a tailgater party at a funeral (10) 20%

Monday, October 1, 2007 -- The Crash Landing

A pilot was flying over the jungle when he started having engine trouble. Eventually the engine stopped and he realised that he would have to bail out before it lost too much height and crashed. So he put on his parachute and jumped out of the door. He pulled the rip cord, his parachute opened and he floated gently down towards a clearing in the jungle.

Unfortunately he landed right in the middle of a large cooking pot in which the chief of the cannibals was cooking lunch. The chief cried out in astonishment, "What's this flier doing in my soup?"

(Thanks to Julius)

Tuesday, October 2, 2007 -- What's For Dinner?

The cannibal came home to find his wife chopping up snakes and a very small man.

"Oh no!" he groaned. "Not snake and pygmy pie again."

(Thanks to Leonard)

Wednesday, October 3, 2007 -- What's Your Name?

A man was walking down the street and he met a small boy. The man asked what was his name.

The boy replied, "six and seven-eighths."

The man asked him why his parents had given him such a strange name, and he replied, "they just picked it out of a hat."

(Thanks to Adolph)

Thursday, October 4, 2007 -- The Crocodile & The Chicken

This guy walks into a bar, carrying a crocodile and a chicken. He sets them down on the stool next to him, and says to the uncertain-looking bartender, "I'll have a Scotch and Soda." Then the crocodile says "And I'll have a Whiskey Sour."

The dumbfounded bartender gasps, "That's incredible! I've never seen a crocodile that could talk!"

The guy says, "He can't; the chicken is a ventriloquist."

(Thanks to Milton)

Friday, October 5, 2007 -- Roy Rogers And The Cougar

There was this western town whose ranchers were being bothered by a cougar. This cougar had attacked the ranchers livestock on many occasions. The ranchers in this town hired the famous Roy Rogers to lead a posse to track down this cougar and kill him.

Roy lead this posse wearing his brand new alligator skin boots. He had just acquired them as was very proud of the way they looked.

After tracking the cougar for a number of days, they finally came upon him. Roy took a shot but missed, letting the cougar get away. That night the posse set up camp. While everyone was sleeping, the cougar attacked the campsite, but was chased off without anyone getting hurt. Unfortunately in the foray, the cat did destroy Roy alligator skin boots.

Roy was very upset about losing his new boots. He rode back to town - which was painful without boots - got an old pair of boots, and went out after the cougar by himself. After a few days of tracking, he caught up with the cougar. He picked up his rifle, aimed, and with one shot, killed the cougar.

He placed the cougar on the back of the horse and rode back to town with it. As the ranchers in town saw the carcass on the back of the horse they came out and cheered Roy's success. As he rode up in front of the hotel, surrounded by cheering ranchers and townfolk, Dale Evans came out of the hotel and asked, "Pardon me, Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?"

(Thanks to Herbert)

Monday, October 8, 2007 -- Higher Power

A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?"

One child blurted out, "Aces!"

(Thanks to Victor)

Tuesday, October 9, 2007 -- First Play

John's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

John enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."

(Thanks to Harcourt)

Wednesday, October 10, 2007 -- Shooting The Breeze

A Catholic boy is sitting on the stoop with his Jewish friend shooting the breeze. The Catholic boy said to his friend, "My Priest knows a lot more than your Rabbi!"

The Jewish friend replied after a few seconds, "He should, you tell him everything."

(Thanks to JP)

Thursday, October 11, 2007 -- Dental History

How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?

His drill slipped.

(Thanks to Dustin)

Friday, October 12, 2007 -- Rich Lepers

In the days of old, when Genghis Kahn's men were running over Asia, they set their sights on further shores. Rather than 'huns', these warriors were known as Kahn's men, or simply, Kahns.

When they had conquered all the way to the water's edge, they build boats, gathered their loot, and bravely went to sea.

By a sad twist of fate, they encountered an island of lepers, which resulted in most of the crew being infected. Hastily leaving that island, they set sail again, but by the time they reached Ireland, there wasn't much left of them.

Disembarking on stubby limbs, they set forth, but were soon set upon by the natives for the riches they carried. Rotted away, but still clever, they hid on the island and awaited rescue, and the locals never did get their hands on the treasure.

And that's how the story of the little people got started in Ireland - the leper Kahn's and their pots of gold.

Cunning though diseased, the Kahns were never fooled by those who tried to trick them out of their pots of gold by swapping them for an empty pot - thus the saying: "You cannot change a leper's pots."

(Thanks to Lou)

Monday, October 15, 2007 -- Adoption

The couple was delighted when their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end. The adoption centre called and told them that there was a wonderful Russian baby boy available. The couple accepted him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption centre, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the forms, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Russian?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Russian baby. In a year or so, when he begins to talk, we want to be able to understand him."

(Thanks to Bud)

Tuesday, October 16, 2007 -- Lucky Girl

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after work cocktail with her girlfriends when an exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy young man entered. He was so striking that the woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young man noticed her overly attentive stare and walked directly toward her. Before she could offer her apologies for so rudely staring, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $20 . . . on one condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition was. The young man replied, "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment, then slowly removed from her purse a $20 bill, which she pressed into the young man's hand along with her address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly, meaningfully whispered . . . "Clean my house."

(Thanks to Clifton)

Wednesday, October 17, 2007 -- Condoms

A man walks into a drug store with his 9-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy, who obviously knows the answer, but wants to know if his dad will give him a proper answer or not asks, "What are these, Dad?"

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, "Those are called condoms, son....Men use them to have safe sex."

"Oh I see," replied the boys pensively. "Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 in this package."

The Dad replies, "Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"Cool!" says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?" "Those are for college boys." the Dad answers, "TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday."

"WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?" he asks, picking up a 12 pack.

With a sigh, the dad replied, "Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March........"

(Thanks to Leonard)

Thursday, October 18, 2007 -- The Eulogy

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. Again she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?"

The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

(Thanks to Darryl)

Friday, October 19, 2007 -- Sperm Count

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arlene, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"

The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."

(Thanks to Mike)

Monday, October 22, 2007 -- Golden Jubilee

There's a senior couple on holiday, back in the place where they first met. They're sitting in the pub and he says to her, "remember our first time together, almost fifty years ago? We went round the corner to the gas works. You leaned against the fence and we had wild sex?"

"Yes," she says, "I remember it well."

"OK," he says, "how about taking a stroll round there for old times sake."

"Sounds like a good idea," she answers.

There's this guy sitting at the next table listening to all this having a chuckle to himself, and he thinks, I've got to see this, two pensioners having sex against the gas works fence. So he follows them. They get to the gas works, she lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down, leans against the fence and they go at it.

It was torrid, just as if they were like eighteen-year-olds. The reluctant Peeping Tom is thinking to himself that at less then half their age he doesn't have their kind of stamina.

After about forty minutes the old couple finish and get their clothes back on. The guy watching thinks, that was amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.

As the couple pass the guy says, "That was something else, you must have been there for about forty minutes. How do you manage it, is there some sort of secret?"

"No, there's no secret," the man says, "but fifty years ago that fence wasn't electrified."

Tuesday, October 23, 2007 -- The Preacher and the Drunk

One evening a preacher held a country-type baptism. This is where those desiring baptism are submerged into a shallow pond. Quite often, many people gather around either to be baptized or to watch with curiosity at the baptism.

On this occasion a drunk man wandered up to the scene, and stood next to the preacher. The preacher unknowingly dunked the drunk into the water, then quickly brought him up. He said to the drunk, "Did you find the Holy Spirit?"

The drunk shook his head and said, "No."

The preacher then dunked him and again repeated, "Did you find the Holy Spirit?"

Again the drunk shook his head.

The preacher then dunked him a third time, only he held his head underwater for about 30 seconds. The preacher then brought the struggling drunk up and, as before, he repeated the question, "Did you find Him yet?"

The drunk finally caught his breath, shook his head and answered, "Are you sure you lost him in this spot?"

(Thanks to Wesley)

Wednesday, October 24, 2007 -- Washington, D.C. Tour

A tour guide was showing a tourist around Washington, D.C. The guide pointed out the place where George Washington supposedly threw a dollar across the Potomac River.

"That's impossible," said the tourist. "No one could throw a coin that far!"

"You have to remember," answered the guide. "A dollar went a lot farther in those days."

(Thanks to Bob)

Thursday, October 25, 2007 -- Ate My Socks

Jimmy and Kathy are newlyweds in the honeymoon suite on their wedding night, and Kathy's in the bathroom. As Jimmy's getting undressed he says to himself, "How am I going to tell her? How am I going to tell my new wife that I have the world's smelliest feet?" Then he throws his socks under the bed.

Kathy walks out of the bathroom, and, to chicken to face her, Jimmy runs past her and he goes into the bathroom. Kathy sits on the edge of the bed and says to herself, "How am I going to tell him? How am I going to tell my new husband that I have the world's worst breath? I've got to tell him."

Just then Jimmy walks out of the bathroom. Kathy runs up to him, gives him a huge wet kiss, pulls back and says, "Honey, I've got to tell you something."

Jimmy says, "Yeah, I know. You just ate my socks."

(Thanks to Grover)

Friday, October 26, 2007 -- A Great Flood

It had been raining for days and days, and a great flood had come over the land. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house.

As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a rowboat appeared, and told him to get in. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the rowboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a speedboat appeared. "Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the speedboat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof. "No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him.

The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, the poor man drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. "Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you… I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you two boats and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"

(Thanks to Martin)

Monday, October 29, 2007 -- Car Trouble

A Rabbi, a Monk, and a lawyer are riding down the road when their car breaks down in the middle of nowhere. Spotting a farmhouse they walk over and tell the farmer they need a place to stay the night while they wait for a tow.

"I've got room in the house for two of you but someone's gonna have to sleep in the barn." says the farmer. The Rabbi says, "I've no problem with that, I'll go." He leaves.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the Rabbi is there. He says, "Sir there is a pig in that barn; in my religion pigs are unclean, I cannot sleep under the same roof with a pig."

The Monk speaks up and says, "I have no problem with pigs I'll go sleep in the barn." He leaves.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the Monk is there.

"Sir there is a cow in that barn; in my religion cows are sacred, I cannot sleep under the same roof with a cow."

The lawyer responds, "I'll go sleep in the barn, I've got no religion." He leaves.

Five minutes later there's a knock on the door. The farmer opens the door and the pig and the cow are standing there.

(Thanks to Ruth)

Tuesday, October 30, 2007 -- Psychologically Speaking

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test. Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked, "How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?"

A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered, "A basketball coach?"

(Thanks to Larry)

Wednesday, October 31, 2007 -- Haunting Halloween Harmonies

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.

Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"Oh, it's nothing to worry about" says the caretaker. "He's just decomposing!"

(Thanks to Teresa)

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Someone's Not A Morning Person

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