HOLDER TONIGHTwith
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER
JOKE DU JOUR
November 2007
HOLDER TONIGHTJOKE DU JOUR
November 2007
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Thursday, November 1, 2007 -- The Weigh Scale
Two kids went into their parents bathroom and noticed the weigh scale in the corner.
"Whatever you do," cautioned one youngster to the other, "Don't step on it!"
"Why not?" asked the sibling.
"Because every time mom does, she lets out an awful scream!"
(Thanks to Shelley)
Friday, November 2, 2007 -- Winter Parking
One winter morning a couple was listening to the radio over breakfast. They hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 10 to 15 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 15 to 20 centimetres of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through." Norman's wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 20 to 25 centimetres of snow today. You must park ..." Then the power goes out.
Norman's wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?"
(Thanks to Bob)
Monday, November 5, 2007 -- Judgement Day
Howard dies and waits in line for judgment. He notices that some souls go right into heaven, while Satan throws others into a burning pit. But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, the devil tosses it aside.
Curious, Howard asks Satan, "Excuse me, but why are you tossing them aside instead of flinging them into hell with the others?"
"They're from the Vancouver." Satan replies. "They're too wet to burn."
(Thanks to Alice)
Tuesday, November 6, 2007 -- The Car Accident
A stranger rushed into a bar and ordered a double whiskey. "Tell me," he asked the bartender agitatedly, "how high does a penguin grow?"
"Oh, about so high," replied the bartender, placing his hand some two feet from the floor.
"Are you sure?" said the stranger.
"Positive," said the bartender.
"Damn," said the stranger, "I guess I just ran over a nun!"
(Thanks to Benny)
Wednesday, November 7, 2007 -- The Diagnosis
A woman went to the doctor who told her she only had six months to live.
"Oh my God," said the woman. "What shall I do?"
"Marry an accountant," suggested the doctor.
"Why," asked the woman. "Will that make me live longer?"
"No," replied the doctor. "But it will seem longer."
(Thanks to Marcus)
Thursday, November 8, 2007 -- Simple Math
Out of the blue, an accountant decided to leave his wife. He left her a note saying, "Dear Diane, I am 54 years old and have never done anything wild in my life. But now I'm leaving you for a stunning 18-year-old model. We'll be staying at the Savoy."
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a message waiting from his wife. It read, "Dear Clive, I too am 54 years old. I have followed your example and am staying at the Royal with an 18-year-old Italian hunk. And I'm sure that you, as an accountant, will appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18!"
Friday, November 9, 2007 -- Who's Your Daddy?
A couple were celebrating their golden anniversary, but the husband had something on his mind.
"There's something that's always bugged me about the children," he said. "I can't help noticing that out of our eight children, Ben looks different from all the others. I know it's a terrible thing to ask, but does he have a different father?"
The wife couldn't bear to look him in the eye. "Yes, it's true," she admitted. "Ben does have a different father from the other seven."
The husband's heart sank. Fighting back the tears, he said, "You have to tell me. Who is Ben's father?"
She looked at him sorrowfully and said, "You."
(Thanks to Jackson)
Monday, November 12, 2007 -- The Heart Attack
A husband arrived home early from work to find his wife on the bed having a heart attack. He was just about to call the doctor when his little boy said, "Dad, there's a naked man in the closet."
"What!" said the husband. He opened the closet and there was his best friend Tom.
"I don't believe this!" screamed the husband. "There's Julie having a heart attack and you're playing games with the kids!"
(Thanks to Cheryl)
Tuesday, November 13, 2007 -- Only Three Times
A married couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. The husband asked the wife, "Darling, have you ever cheated on me?"
"What a strange question to ask after all these years," she said. "But, if you must know, yes, I have cheated on you. Three times."
The husband was saddened by this admission but wanted to know when. She said, "The first time was when you were 31. Remember you wanted to start a business but no bank would give you a loan? And remember how the bank president came to our house in person and signed the papers? Well . . ."
The husband was touched. "You mean, you slept with the president of the bank so that I could start up my business? That's the kindest thing anyone's ever done for me. When was the second occasion?"
"Remember when you were 48, you had a heart attack and no surgeon would operate on you? And then Dr. Forrest came all the way up here to carry out the surgery himself, and after that you were in good shape again? Well . . ."
The husband was genuinely moved. "So you slept with Dr. Forrest to save my life? What a wonderful woman you are! And when was the third time!"
The wife said, "Remember how a few years ago when you really wanted to be president of the golf club? But you were 52 votes short?"
(Thanks to Yvette)
Wednesday, November 14, 2007 -- Beware Of Bears
A National Park ranger was warning a group of tourists about the danger posed by grizzly bears. He said, "Problems can occur when people unexpectedly stumble across bears. To avoid this, we advise hikers to wear tiny bells on their clothing in order to warn the bears of their presence. And always be on guard when you know bears are in the area, particularly if you see bear droppings."
One tourist asked, "How do you identify bear droppings?"
"Easy," replied the ranger. "They're the ones with the tiny bells in them."
(Thanks to Anne)
Thursday, November 15, 2007 -- Making the Move
At the urging of his doctor, John moved to Arizona. After settling in, he met a neighbour who was also an older man.
"Say, my doctor recommended I move here for my health. Is this really a good place to live?"
"It sure is," the man replied. "When I first arrived here, I couldn't say one word. I had hardly any hair on my head. I didn't have the strength to walk across a room and I had to be lifted out of bed."
"That's wonderful!" said John. "How long have you been here?"
"I was born here."
(Thanks to Carol)
Friday, November 16, 2007 -- What A Way To Go
There are two guys in a bar...one says, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead!!!"
"Whoa, what the heck happened to him?" asks the other guy.
"Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - he hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!" says the other guy.
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted -- 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how did he die?" asks the other guy.
"I shot him!" the first guy exclaims.
"You shot him? What the heck did you shoot him for?"
"The guy was wrecking my house!"
Monday, November 19, 2007 -- At The Gym
Two middle-aged businessmen, Mark and Miles, went to the gym for a workout. As they undressed beforehand, Mark was stunned to find Miles wearing a corset beneath his shirt.
"Since when have you been wearing a corset?" asked Mark.
Replied Miles, "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment."
(Thanks to Victoria)
Tuesday, November 20, 2007 -- The Horse At The Bar
A guy walked into a bar and saw a horse behind the bar serving drinks. They guy couldn't help but stare, prompting the horse to ask, "What's the matter? Haven't you seen a horse serving drinks before?"
"It's not that," said the guy. "I just never thought the bear would sell this place."
(Thanks to Francis)
Wednesday, November 21, 2007 -- The Missionary & The Lion
A missionary was chased through the jungle for a week by a ferocious lion. Finally the missionary found himself cornered and, in despair, fell to his knees and prayed for salvation. To his amazement, the lion also began to pray.
"It's truly a miracle," said the missionary, "you, a killer lion, joining me in prayer just when I thought my life was about to end!"
"Shut up," said the lion, "I'm saying grace."
(Thanks to Renee)
Thursday, November 22, 2007 -- The Art Gallery
A visitor to an art gallery was perplexed by what appeared to be nothing more than a blank canvas. As chance would have it, the artist responsible was standing next to him.
"I don't wish to appear offensive, but what exactly is it supposed to be?" asked the visitor.
"That, sir, is a cow grazing," replied the artist proudly.
"Where's the grass?"
"The cow has eaten it, sir."
"But where's the cow?"
Replied the artist, "You don't think she'd be daft enough to stay after she'd eaten all the grass, do you."
(Thanks to Rosalind)
Friday, November 23, 2007 -- The Apartment
A man came home with some hot gossip. "Do you know what they're saying?" he told his wife. "They're saying our janitor has slept with every woman in the apartment block except for one!"
The wife said, "That must be that girl from number 36. Nobody likes her."
(Thanks to Stephanie)
Monday, November 26, 2007 -- Viewing Art
A woman visited an art gallery. One picture was bright blue with vivid orange swirls while the one next to it was black with lime green blobs.
The artist was standing nearby so she said to him, "I'm sorry, but I don't understand your paintings."
He replied loftily, "I paint what I feel inside me."
The woman said, "Have you tried Alka-Seltzer?"
(Thanks to Erica)
Tuesday, November 27, 2007 -- Car Troubles
"The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor."
"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what a carburettor is."
"I'm telling you," repeated the wife. "I'm sure there's water in the carburettor."
"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"
Replied the wife, "In the swimming pool."
(Thanks to Roberta)
Wednesday, November 28, 2007 -- First Flight
Before going on his first plane journey, a man was told that chewing gum would stop his ears from popping during the flight.
As they landed, the man turned to his friend and said, "The chewing gum works fine, but how do I get it out of my ears?"
(Thanks to Jordan)
Thursday, November 29, 2007 -- Service On The Flight
An elderly man and a Baptist minister were sitting next to each other on a plane. Since the flight had been delayed, the pilot announced that once they were airborne, free drinks would be brought round to the passengers by way of an apology.
Ten minutes after take-off, the pretty young flight attendant came round with the drinks trolley. The old man requested a whisky and soda.
"And what would you like?" the attendant asked the Baptist minister.
"No, no," he roared. "I would rather commit adultery than drink alcohol!"
The old man looked confused and, handing his drink back to the attendant said, "Sorry, I didn't know there was a choice."
(Thanks to Adrian)
Friday, November 30, 2007 -- The Breast
A woman was walking along the street with her blouse open. A passer-by stopped her and said, "Excuse me, madam, your breast is hanging out."
She looked down and shrieked, "Oh my God, I left the baby on the bus!"
(Thanks to Phillip)
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