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December 2007

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - December 2007
Greatest Mystery Of Life [71 votes total]

What is the source of the moisture on the supermarket conveyor belt? (8) 11%
If humans evolved from apes why do apes still exist? (10) 14%
Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? (15) 21%
Why are needles for death by lethal injection sterilized? (23) 32%
Who put the bomp in the bomp bah bomp bah bomp? (15) 21%

Monday, December 3, 2007 -- Asking For A Raise

The Maid was asking for a raise. The Madam of the house was very upset about this and asked, "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"

Maria replied, "Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

"Who said you iron better than me?" asked the Madam.

"The Master said so," said Maria.

"Oh," replied the Madam.

"The second reason," said Maria, "is that I am a better cook than you."

"Nonsense," bellowed the Madam. "Who said you were a better cook than I?"

"The Master did," replied Maria.

"Oh," replied the Madam.

"My third reason is that I am a better lover than you," said Maria.

The Madam, who was now very upset said, "Did the Master say so as well?"

"No Madam," said Maria, "the gardener did."


(Thanks to Keith)

Tuesday, December 4, 2007 -- The Cocktail Sticks

A vagrant walked into a bar and was told by the bartender to get out.

"All right," said the vagrant, "If you give me a cocktail stick, I'll leave." So the bartender handed him a cocktail stick and he left.

Two minutes later, another vagrant came in. Again, the bartender ordered him to leave.

"Very well," said the vagrant, "Give me a cocktail stick and I'll go." So the bartender handed him a cocktail stick and he left.

Two minutes later, a third vagrant entered the bar. The bartender immediately offered him a cocktail stick to leave.

"I don't want a cocktail stick," said the vagrant. "I want a straw. Give me a straw and I'll go."

The bartender was puzzled. "How come you want a straw when the other two wanted cocktail sticks?"

"Well," said the vagrant, "someone's been sick outside and now all the lumpy bits have gone."

Wednesday, December 5, 2007 -- God's Baseball Team

God and Satan arranged a baseball game between heaven and hell. God was supremely confident and told Satan he hadn't a chance. God reeled off the list of players on his team – Mickey Mantle, Joe DiMaggio, Lou Gehrig, Babe Ruth and all the other legends of the game.

Satan interrupted God to remind him, "Yeah, but I have the umpires."

(Thanks to Gene)

Thursday, December 6, 2007 -- Promotion

A man was captured by cannibals. "What," asked the cannibal chief, licking his lips, "was your job before you were captured?"

"I was a newspaper man," came the reply.

"An editor?"

"No, merely a sub-editor."

"Cheer up. Promotion awaits you. After dinner you will be editor-in chief."

(Thanks to Julia)

Friday, December 7, 2007 -- Old Man In Court

An old man was a witness in a burglary case. The defense lawyer asked Sam, "Did you see my client commit this burglary?"

"Yes," said Sam, "I saw him plainly take the goods."

The lawyer asks Sam again, "Sam, this happened at night. Are you sure you saw my client commit this crime?"

"Yes," says Sam, "I saw him do it."

Then the lawyer asks Sam, "Sam, listen, you are 80 years old and your eye sight is probably bad. Just how far can you see at night?"

Sam says, "I can see the moon, how far is that?"

(Thanks to JP)

Monday, December 10, 2007 -- Prenuptial Senior Agreement

An elderly couple in their 80's decide to get married.

She said, "I want to keep my house"

He said, "That's fine with me."

She said, "I want to keep my Cadillac."

He said, "That's fine with me."

She said, "I want to have sex 6 times a week."

He said, "Put me down for Fridays."

(Thanks to Brian)

Tuesday, December 11, 2007 -- The Dead Cats

An old lady's two cats, a ginger tom and a pretty tortoiseshell, died within a few weeks of each other. She couldn't bear the thought of being without them, so she decided to take their bodies to a taxidermist and have them put on display in her living room.

"These are my two cats," said the old lady. "They used to get on so well together."

"Ah, that's nice," said the taxidermist. "Tell me, do you want them mounted?"

"No," replied the old lady. "Just holding hands."

Wednesday, December 12, 2007 -- Christmas Wish

A father asked his young daughter what she would like for Christmas. She said that what she wanted more than anything else was a baby brother. And it so happened that on Christmas Eve her mother came from the hospital clutching a baby boy.

The following year, the father again asked his daughter what she would like for Christmas.

"Well," she replied, "If it's not too uncomfortable for Mommy, I'd like a pony."

(Thanks to Cordelia)

Thursday, December 13, 2007 -- Pizza Delivery

A college boy delivered a pizza to an old man's house. "I suppose you want a tip?" said the old man grumpily.

"That would be much appreciated," said the college boy, "but the other guy who does pizza deliveries told me not to expect much from you. He said if I got a quarter from you, I'd be lucky."

The old timer was hurt by the accusation. "Well, to prove him wrong, here's five dollars."

"Thank you," said the college boy, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying?" asked the old man.

Said the student, "Applied psychology."

(Thanks to Henry)

Friday, December 14, 2007 -- Yet Another Drunk

A drunk guy walked up to a parking meter and put in a quarter. He stared at the needle that had stopped at 60 and exclaimed, "Geez, I can't believe I lost 100 pounds!"

(Thanks to Dean)

Monday, December 17, 2007 -- The Drunk Driver

A drunk guy was driving the wrong way down a one-way street. A cop pulled him over and said, "Didn't you see the arrows?"

"Arrows," replied the drunk. "I didn't even see the Indians!"

(Thanks to Martin)

Tuesday, December 18, 2007 -- Camouflage Pants

A man walked into an army surplus store and asked if they had any camouflage trousers.

"Yes, we have," said the sales assistant, "but we can't find them!"

(Thanks to Audie)

Wednesday, December 19, 2007 -- The Fishing Shoplifter

A woman walked into a bait and tackle shop to find a blind man serving behind the cash desk. She asked for a fishing line for her husband but, taking advantage of the blind man's disability, craftily slipped a $70 reel into her bag.

The blind man was just starting to ring up her purchase when the phone rang. It was the store manager who had positioned himself behind a one-way mirror at the back counter.

The manager whispered into the phone, "The lady whose purchase you are ringing up just put at $70 reel into her bag. Don't make a big deal about it, but just make sure you charge her for it."

The blind man put down the phone and told the woman, "That'll be $4.50 for the line at $70 for the reel."

The woman was so embarrassed at being caught out that she passed wind loudly.

The blind man continued, "And that'll be $2.50 more for the Duck Call and a dollar for the Musk Scent!"

(Thanks to Eddie)

Thursday, December 20, 2007 -- Grey Hair

Celebrating their silver wedding anniversary, the wife turned to her husband and said, "Will you still love me when my hair has gone grey?"

"Why not?" he replied. "Haven't I loved you through six other shades?"

(Thanks to Benny)

Friday, December 21, 2007 -- The Haircut

A man and a boy entered the barber's shop together. After the man had received a shave and a haircut, he sat the boy in the chair and said, "I'm just popping to buy a packet of Corn Flakes from the supermarket. I'll be back in a few minutes."

When the boy's hair was cut the man still hadn't returned. The barber said, "It looks like your Dad's forgotten you."

"That wasn't my Dad," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, ‘Come on, we're going to get a free haircut.'"

(Thanks to Floyd)

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