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January 2008

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - January 2008
Signs You've Lost Control Of Your Kids [69 votes total]

They keep watching The Omen and nodding a lot (7) 10%
Teenagers' parties end with arrival of an explosives-sniffing robot (10) 14%
There's a velvet rope and a bouncer at their bedroom door (15) 22%
Your toddler's first words are "what do I get in the will?" (23) 33%
Your backyard has a guard tower (14) 20%

Wednesday, January 2, 2008 -- High School Reunion

An old man goes to a school reunion where he finds that his surviving classmates are only interested in talking about their ailments: kidney stones, heart murmurs, liver pains, etc. When he gets home his daughter asks him how it went.

"It wasn't much of a reunion," he replies. "It was more like an organ recital."

(Thanks to Gord)

Thursday, January 3, 2008 -- The Standoff

The murderer was holed up in his house, and the SWAT team was trying to get him out.

A cop got on the bullhorn and said, "Come on out, or I'm going to come in there and drag you out!"

The murderer called back, "I'm warning you. If you don't wipe your feet when you come in, my wife will kill us both!"

(Thanks to Sonny)

Friday, January 4, 2008 -- Yoga

A man went to a local gym to ask about yoga classes for beginners. The instructor asked, "How flexible are you?"

"Well," replied the man, "I can't do Wednesdays."

(Thanks to Roscoe)

Monday, January 7, 2008 -- The Newlyweds

Two newlyweds spent their honeymoon at a remote log cabin. After booking in on the Saturday, they weren't seen again for another five days.

The elderly couple who ran the resort were becoming concerned and so the husband went and knocked on the door of the cabin. A young man answered the door, bleary-eyed.

"Are you two OK?" asked the old man. "Nobody's seen you around since Saturday."

"Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love."

"I thought so," replied the old man. "Would you mind not throwing the peels out the window? They're choking my ducks!"

(Thanks to Errol)

Tuesday, January 8, 2008 -- Car Advice

A guy was driving along a country road when his car broke down. He got out and had just started to check the engine when an old horse trotted up the road. The horse peered into the engine and said, "You'd better check the fuel pump," and trotted on.

The motorist was so shaken that he ran straight to the nearest farmhouse and told the farmer what happened.

"Was it an old white horse with a black patch on his hind quarters?" asked the farmer.

"Yes, yes it was!" said the motorist.

"Well, don't pay any attention to him," continued the farmer. "He doesn't know the first thing about cars."

(Thanks to Marjorie)

Wednesday, January 9, 2008 -- Trumpets & Guns

In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?"

"What do you mean strange?"

"Because you sell only trumpets and guns!"


"Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?"

"It evens itself out," said the store owner. "Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."

(Thanks to Al)

Thursday, January 10, 2008 -- Chapped Lips

A cowboy rode into town, got off his horse, lifted its tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine.

"What did you do that for?" asked an old timer sitting outside the saloon.

"Got chapped lips," replied the cowboy.

"And does that help?" said the old timer.

"Nope," said the cowboy. "But it keeps me from lickin' ‘em."

(Thanks to Marion)

Friday, January 11, 2008 -- Saving For A Vacation

A couple had been spending money at such an alarming rate that they didn't think they would be able to afford a holiday next year. So the husband came up with a bright savings plan; whenever they had sex, he would put $20 into a piggy bank.

A year later, he emptied the piggy bank to see how much they had collected. He was puzzled.

"Every time we've had sex, I've put in a $20 bill, but there are $50 and $100 bills in here."

His wife said, "That's your trouble, you think everyone's as stingy as you."

(Thanks to Blanche)

Monday, January 14, 2008 -- Trip To The Vet

A man took his dog to the vet and asked the vet to cut off its tail. The vet wanted to know why.

"Because," said the man, "my mother-in-law is arriving tomorrow, and I don't want anything to make her think she's welcome."

(Thanks to June)

Tuesday, January 15, 2008 -- The Battleship

Through the pitch black of night, a navy captain saw a light dead ahead on collision course with his ship. He immediately sent a signal. "Change your course ten degrees east."

The light signalled back, "Change yours ten degrees west."

The captain was angry and sent another signal, "I'm a navy captain. Change your course, sir!"

The signal came back, "I'm a seaman, second class. Change your course, sir!"

The captain was furious at such insubordination and sent another signal, "I'm a battleship - I'm not changing course."

The reply came back, "And I'm a lighthouse."

(Thanks to Humphrey)

Wednesday, January 16, 2008 -- Women's Rights

Two years after the Gulf War, a female journalist had done a story on gender roles in Kuwait and had noted that it was the custom for women to walk several yards behind their husbands. But when she returned recently she observed that the roles had been reversed, and that the men now walked several yards behind their wives.

"This is wonderful news," the journalist enthused to a local woman. "Tell me, what enabled women here to achieve this reversal in roles?"

To which the woman replied, "Land mines."

(Thanks to Diana)

Thursday, January 17, 2008 -- Model Prisoner

During his spell in prison, Michael learnt carpentry and became highly accomplished. He was also a model prisoner so when the governor wanted some work doing on his kitchen at home, he asked Michael whether he would help out.

"I've done the cupboards," said the governor, "but I promised my wife a nice counter top and, to be honest, I don't think I'm up to the job. So could you do it for me."

"I'd like to," said Michael, "but you have to remember, it was counter fitting that got me into prison in the first place."

(Thanks to Jimmy)

Friday, January 18, 2008 -- Trip To The Psychiatrist

A man thought he was a dog, so he went to see a psychiatrist.

"It's terrible," said the man, "I walk around on all fours, I keep barking in the middle of the night and I can't go past a lamp post any more."

"Okay," said the psychiatrist, "Get on the couch."

The man replied, "I'm not allowed on the couch."

(Thanks to Randle)

Monday, January 21, 2008 -- The Psychiatric Test

The psychiatrist told the patient that he was conducting a simple test to monitor normal human responses. "So," began the psychiatrist, "what would happen if I cut off your left ear?"

"I wouldn't be able to hear," replied the patient.

"And what would happen if I cut off your right ear?"

"I wouldn't be able to see?"

"Why do you say that?" asked the psychiatrist.

"Because," replied the patient, "my hat would fall over my eyes."

(Thanks to Lewis)

Tuesday, January 22, 2008 -- Unrewarding Sex

A wife went to a psychiatrist in an attempt to sort out her sex life. For over half an hour, she talked about how unrewarding sex was with her husband, but the psychiatrist was struggling to reach the root of the problem. Then he asked, "Do you ever watch your husband's face while you're making love?"

"I did once," she replied.

"And how did he look?"

"Very angry, "she said.

"That's interesting," said the psychiatrist. "You say you have only once seen your husband's face during sex? That in itself is unusual. Tell me, what were the circumstances that led you to see his face on the occasion he appeared so angry?"

Replied the wife, "He was looking through the window at me."

(Thanks to Maggie)

Wednesday, January 23, 2008 -- Student Loan

A kid called up his mom from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. Mom said, "Sure, sweetie. I'll send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?"

"Uh, oh yeah, OK," responded the kid.

So Mom wrapped the book along with the cheques in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book.

When she got back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?"

Mom said, "Oh, I wrote two cheques, one for $50, and the other for $1,000."

"That's $1,050!!!" yelled Dad. "Are you crazy???"

"Don't worry hon," Mom said, as she kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $50 cheque to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in Chapter 19!"

(Thanks to Keith)

Thursday, January 24, 2008 -- The Salesman

A salesman called at a house and found a small boy sitting on the front step.

"Is your mother in?" asked the salesman.

"Yes," said the boy.

The salesman rang the doorbell, but there was no answer. He tried again; still no answer. He turned to the boy. "I thought your said your mother was home?"

"She is," said the boy, "but this isn't where I live."

(Thanks to Blake)

Friday, January 25, 2008 -- Where Do Redhead Babies Come From?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician.

"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, but I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

(Thanks to Brenda)

Monday, January 28, 2008 -- Learning Math

A teacher was struggling to teach arithmetic to a young boy. So she said, "If you reached into your right pocket and found five dollars, and you reached into your left pocket and found another five dollars, what would you have?"

The boy thought for a moment and replied, "Someone else's pants."

(Thanks to Eddie)

Tuesday, January 29, 2008 -- Last Sex

A guy was told he had just 24 hours to live, so he decided to go home and make passionate love to his wife. He crept into the bedroom, slid into bed and for the next three hours enjoyed the wildest sex he'd ever experienced.

Finally, exhausted, he crawled into the bathroom where he was surprised to find his wife lying in the bath with a mudpack on her face.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

"Shhh!" she said, "You'll wake my mother."

(Thanks to Joan)

Wednesday, January 30, 2008 -- Yet Another Math Example

In class the teacher asked, "If you had one dollar and you asked your father for another, how many dollars would you have?"

One boy in the class said, "One dollar."

The teacher replied, "You don't know your arithmetic."

The boy answered, "You don't know my father."

(Thanks to Alan)

Thursday, January 31, 2008 -- Nervous Sleeper

A businessman booked a room in a hotel but was warned by the receptionist that the guest in the adjoining room was extremely nervous and had trouble getting to sleep at night.

On reaching his room, the businessman was so exhausted after a long day that he thoughtlessly threw his shoe down very hard. He immediately remembered the nervous guest in the next room, so he laid the other shoe down very gently.

He went to bed but two hours later was woken by a knock on the door. He asked who it was and a voice replied, "I'm the guest in the next room. For heaven's sake throw that other shoe down, will you?"

(Thanks to Barney)

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