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February 2008

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - February 2008
Signs You Need A New Car [62 votes total]

Before you start it you pray (7) 11%
You're constantly followed by over eager tow trucks (13) 21%
When idling in traffic it sounds like a pinball machine (10) 16%
Seat belt helps to keep the passenger door closed (22) 35%
The colour is officially listed as "Bondo" (10) 16%

Friday, February 1, 2008 -- Little Chef

One afternoon for the first time a nine-year-old was making two batches of chocolate-chip cookies.

She was using her new math skills to double the recipe and when she got near the end, she asked her mother, "How do I set the oven to eight hundred degrees?"

(Thanks to Julia)

Monday, February 4, 2008 -- Bar Conversation

Two guys are drinking in a bar.

One says, "Did you know that Lions have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"

"Damn!" says his friend, "And I just joined the Kiwanis."

(Thanks to George)

Tuesday, February 5, 2008 -- Temperature

A stockbroker was in the hospital. The nurse was taking his temperature.

"What is it at now?" he asked.

"102," replied the nurse.

The stockbroker barked, "When it gets to 103, sell!"

(Thanks to Gordon)

Wednesday, February 6, 2008 -- Texas Tourist

As you know Texans are always boasting about how big everything is in their home state. One Texas tourist was visiting London and was in absolute awe looking at the London Eye Millennium Wheel.

"Wow," he said, "we have nothing so enormous back home."

His London host replied, "If you think that's big, wait till you see the size of the hamster!"

(Thanks to Reggie)

Thursday, February 7, 2008 -- The School Play

During a performance of a school nativity play at the local theatre, a large crack suddenly appeared in the middle of the stage. At the performance progressed, the crack became bigger and bigger until it finally developed into a hole.

Everyone else managed to avoid it but when young Johnny stepped forward as one of the Wise Men, he plunged straight through the hole.

The audience gasped. Johnny's father whispered to his mother, "Don't worry dear. It's just a stage he's going through."

(Thanks to Noel)

Friday, February 8, 2008 -- The Camels

A baby camel turned to its father and asked, "Dad, why do we have humps on our back?"

"Well, son," replied the father, "our humps contain the fat necessary to sustain us through all the days when we're out in the desert."

"Oh," said the baby camel. "Dad, why do we have long eyelashes?"

"They're to protect our eyes from the sandstorms which rage in the desert."

"Fine, Dad, why do we have big padded feet?"

"Because, son, the sand in the desert is very soft and we need big feet so that we can walk on the sand without sinking."

"Thanks Dad. So what are we doing in the London Zoo?"

(Thanks to Lawrence)

Monday, February 11, 2008 -- First Year Vet Students

First-year students at Texas A&M's Vet school were receiving their first anatomy class, with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The Professor started the class by telling them, "In Vet Medicine it is necessary to have two important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the animal body."

For an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the dead cow, withdrew it and stuck it in his mouth. "Go ahead and do the same thing," he told his students.

The students freaked out and hesitated for several minutes. But eventually they took turns sticking a finger in the anal opening of the dead cow and sucking on it.

When everyone finished, the Professor looked at them and said, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention. Life's tough, it's even tougher if you're stupid."

(Thanks to Ricky)

Tuesday, February 12, 2008 -- The Other Woman

Hank finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so that he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked.

"Not on her best day." Hank replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.

"No, she's broke."

"Well then, is it sex?"

"Nope,... nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what is it?? What can she do for you that I can't?"

"She can sue me for child support!"

(Thanks to Alice)

Wednesday, February 13, 2008 -- Mary In The Restaurant

Mary Poppins went into a restaurant and ordered cauliflower cheese. The owner was so pleased to have her as a guest that he asked, "Will you sign the visitors' book and will you also write what you thought of my food?"

She signed her name in the book and added, "Super cauliflower cheese but eggs were quite atrocious!"

(Thanks to Nick)

Thursday, February 14, 2008 -- The Speeder

A middle-aged woman was driving through a school zone when a policeman pulled her over for speeding. As he was giving her the ticket, she said, "How come I always get a ticket and everyone else gets a warning? Am I too flat, or is it my face?"

"No, ma'am," explained the officer, "it's your foot."

(Thanks to Mario)

Friday, February 15, 2008 -- The Usual Drink

A doctor was in the habit of stopping off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew his habit but one day was dismayed to find that he was clean out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made of hickory nuts and placed it on the bar in readiness for the doctor's arrival.

When the doctor turned up, he took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!"

"No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."

(Thanks to Zorba)

Monday, February 18, 2008 -- Cell Mates

Two new prisoners were taken to their cell. "How long are you in for?" asked one.

"Fifteen years," said the second, "How about you?"

"Twenty-two years," replied the first. "So as you're getting out first, you'd better have the bed by the door."

(Thanks to Bert)

Tuesday, February 19, 2008 -- The Clock

A wife said to her husband, "The big clock fell off the wall this afternoon. A moment sooner, and it would have landed on Mother's head."

Replied her husband, "That's it! I'm getting rid of that clock. It's always been slow!"

(Thanks to Eve)

Wednesday, February 20, 2008 -- First Jump

A rookie parachutist jumped from a plane, only to discover that his chute was broken. As he plunged towards the ground, frantically trying to fix the parachute, he passed another man on his way up.

"Do you know anything about parachutes?" he cried.

"No," replied the other man. "Do you know anything about gas barbeques?"

(Thanks to Dan)

Thursday, February 21, 2008 -- The Accident

Two drivers climbed out of their cars after colliding at an intersection. One produced a hip flask from his pocket and said to the other, "Here, have a nip of whiskey to calm your nerves."

"Thanks," said the other driver, taking a swig from the flask. "Here, you have one too," he added, handing back the whisky.

"No, I'd rather not," he said. "The police will be here soon."

(Thanks to Foster)

Friday, February 22, 2008 -- The Campaign Trail

Exhausted from campaigning, Hillary Clinton went to the doctor for a complete check up. After a thorough examination and many tests, she was informed by the doctor, "You have Obamitis."

"I am not well acquainted with this condition," she informed the doctor, "and would like to research it further on line. Could you tell me the technical medical term for my condition?"

"Sure", the doctor replied, "the medical term for it is Electile Disfunction."

(Thanks to Mike)

Monday, February 25, 2008 -- Bring The Wife

A married man took a solo trip to Bermuda that was part work, part vacation. He fell so in love with the place that he wired his best friend, "Catch next plane out. Bring my wife and your mistress."

The friend wired back, "Your wife and I arriving tomorrow at 4:30pm. How long have you known about us?"

(Thanks to Eddie)

Tuesday, February 26, 2008 -- The Elevator

This guy's in the rear of a full elevator and he shouts, "Ballroom please."

A lady standing in front of him turns around and says, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was crowding you."

Wednesday, February 27, 2008 -- Hurricane

What does a married woman and a hurricane have in common?

Both, when they get agitated, leave with your house!

(Thanks to Richard)

Thursday, February 28, 2008 -- Hunting

A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner.

Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is, but they will give them a clue and let them guess.

The kids were eager to know what the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.

"Well," he said, "It's what mommy calls me sometimes."

The little girl screams to her brother, "Don't touch it, we're eating ass!"

(Thanks to Bob)

Friday, February 29, 2008 -- Golf Deduction

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, a priest and three other men of the cloth swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "How did you know?"

"Easy," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean language!"

Picture Of The Month

"Geez, I thought you said your husband was out of town!"

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