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March 2008

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - March 2008
Signs You're Watching Too Much Reality TV [56 votes total]
Your lawn sign says "Simon Cowell For President" (8) 14%
You have a bedroom poster of Ben Mulroney (8) 14%
At your last dinner party you served Madagascar hissing cockroaches (7) 13%
You've been voted out of your family (21) 38%
You're eagerly awaiting Survivor: Guantanamo Edition (12) 21%

Tuesday, March 4, 2008 -- How Old Are You?

Five-year-old Suzie asked her mother Marissa, "Mommy, how old are you going to be next year?"

Marissa thought a moment and joked, "Oh I'm so old I don't remember any more."

Little Suzie then said, "If you don't remember, look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

(Thanks to Janet)

Wednesday, March 5, 2008 -- The Business Trip

Packing for a business trip, a husband noticed that his wife had packed a condom in his briefcase.

"Why do you do that whenever I go away?" he asked. "You know I'd never cheat on you."

"I know you wouldn't," she said, "and I really trust you, but with AIDS and everything, I'd just feel safer in the knowledge that if anything did happen, you'd be protected. So please, darling, take the condom with you, for my sake."

"OK," he agreed, "if you put it like that, I will. But for God's sake, give me more than one!"

(Thanks to Hilary)

Thursday, March 6, 2008 -- Ears Of Corn

Throughout her married life, a wife kept a padlocked chest at the foot of the bed. Her husband often asked her what was in the chest, but she always refused to divulge the contents. Then, on the 25th wedding anniversary, she finally agreed to open it.

Inside were two ears of corn and $30,000. The wife explained, "Every time I cheated on you. I put in an ear of corn."

The husband didn't mind too much that she had only been unfaithful to him twice in 25 years. "But what about the money?" he said.

"Well," she replied. "Every time I reached a bushel, I sold it."

(Thanks to Pamela)

Friday, March 7, 2008 -- The Physical

An 83-year old lady finished her initial workup, whereupon the nurse said, "You are in fine shape for your age, but tell me...do you still have intercourse?"

"Just a minute," she said, "I'll have to ask my husband." She went out to the reception room and said, "Jake, do we still have intercourse?"

The husband turned blue in the face and answered, "If I told you once I told you a thousand times, we have Blue Cross!"

(Thanks to Phyllis)

Monday, March 10, 2008 -- Post Op

A man is recovering from surgery when a nurse asks him how he is feeling.

"I'm O.K. but I didn't like the four-letter-word the doctor used in surgery," he answered.

"What did he say?" asked the nurse.


(Thanks to Casey)

Tuesday, March 11, 2008 -- Fossils

A group was taking the tour of a national park not long ago. The ranger mentioned to the tour group that dinosaur fossils had been found in the area.

Someone exclaimed, "Wow, I can't believe the dinosaurs would come this close to the highway!"

(Thanks to Lorraine)

Wednesday, March 12, 2008 -- The Affair

A man came home to find evidence that his wife had been unfaithful.

"Was it my friend Ted?" he demanded.

"No it wasn't"

"Was it my friend Steve?"

"No it wasn't"

"Was it my friend Larry?"

"No it wasn't," she screamed. "What is it. Don't you think I have any friends of my own?"

(Thanks to Dionne)

Thursday, March 13, 2008 -- Advertising Executives

Two advertising executives, one junior and one senior, had lunch together. Midway through the meal, the junior executive asked, "What's happened to Fred Zimmerman? I haven't see him around lately."

"Haven't you heard?" said the senior. "Fred died last week. He's gone to that great ad agency in the sky."

"My God!" exclaimed the younger man. "What did he have?"

"Nothing much," said the senior. "A small toothpaste account, a couple of discount stores. Nothing worth going after."

(Thanks to Willy)

Friday, March 14, 2008 -- Senior Romance

An elderly couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.

She said, "You used to hold my hand when we were courting."

Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.

A few moments later she said, "Then you used to kiss me."

Mildly irritated he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.

Thirty seconds later she said, "Then you used to bite my neck."

Angrily, he threw back the covers and got out of bed.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

To which he replied, "To get my teeth."

(Thanks to Jessica)

Monday, March 17, 2008 -- The Escaped Rabbit

A rabbit escaped from the research laboratory where he had been born and bred. On his first taste of freedom, he met a group of wild rabbits frolicking in a field.

"Hi," he said, introducing himself. "I've escaped from the laboratory and I've never been outside before. What do you rabbits do all day?"

"See that field over there?" they said. "It's full of plump, juicy carrots. Care to try some?"

So they all went off and ate some carrots. "That was great," said the escaped rabbit afterwards. "What else do you do?"

"See that field over there?" they said. "It's full of fat lettuce. Care to try some?"

So they all went off and devoured the lettuce. "This is brilliant," said the escaped rabbit. "I really love it out here in the wild."

"So are you going to stay with us?" they asked.

"I'd really like to, but I must get back to the laboratory," said the lab rabbit. "I'm dying for a cigarette."

(Thanks to George)

Tuesday, March 18, 2008 -- American Tourists

Two American ladies were in London admiring a well-endowed male statue.

While discussing its artistic merits, one of the women shook her head and said, "I don't think so dear. Big Ben is a clock."

(Thanks to Patrick)

Wednesday, March 19, 2008 -- The Burglar

A burglar went to the bank and pointed a gun on the cashier and said, "Give me all your money, or you'll be geography!"

The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say history."

The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject."

(Thanks to Marsha)

Thursday, March 20, 2008 -- The Artist & The Model

An artist and his model were kissing passionately on the couch when he heard a car pull up.

"Quick, it's my wife," he said. "Get your clothes off and pretend we're working!"

(Thanks to Warren)

Friday, March 21, 2008 -- The Pilot's Announcement

As the overseas flight landed in New York, the pilot announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for flying with us, and on behalf of the crew I hope that we shall have the pleasure of your company on future flights."

Then, forgetting that his microphone was still switched on, he added, "Now all I need is a nice cup of coffee and a woman."

Hearing the gaffe, a pretty young flight attendant rushed up the gangway towards the cockpit. Halfway up the aisle, an old lady patted her on the arm and said, "Don't hurry, dear. Give him time to have his coffee."

(Thanks to Charles)

Monday, March 24, 2008 -- The Farm Inspection

A rather cocky U.S. Department of Agriculture representative stopped at a farm and talked with an old farmer in New Hampshire.

He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm."

The old farmer said, "OK, but don't go in that field right over yonder."

The Agriculture representative said, "Mister, I have the authority of the United States Government with me. See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The farmer nodded politely and went about his farm chores.

Half an hour later, the farmer heard loud screams and saw the Agriculture Rep running for the fence and close behind was the farmer's huge-horned prize bull. The bull was gaining on the Agriculture Rep with every step.

The Rep was clearly terrified, so the farmer immediately threw down his tools, ran to the fence and shouted out, "Your badge! Your badge! Show him your badge!"

(Thanks to Marjorie)

Tuesday, March 25, 2008 -- The Soothing Father

A man was pushing a baby carriage containing a screaming baby along the street. All the while the man kept repeating quietly, "Keep calm, George." "Don't scream, George." "It'll be OK, George."

A woman heard this and said to the man, "You really are doing your best to soothe your son George."

The man looked at her and replied stonily, "I'm George."

(Thanks to Clifton)

Wednesday, March 26, 2008 -- Bailiff Bartender

Did you hear about the bailiff who moonlighted as a bartender?

He served subpoena coladas

Thursday, March 27, 2008 -- Golf Friends

A man approached his friend and said, "Say Adam, you want to hit the golf course this afternoon?"

"Sorry, I can't," came the reply.

"Why not?" he asked.

He responded, "my doctor told me I can't play."

"Oh," said the friend, "so he's been out with you too?"

(Thanks to Randy)

Friday, March 28, 2008 -- Pigs In A Bar

A little pig walked into a bar, ordered a drink and asked where the toilet was.

"Just along the corridor," said the bartender.

Then a second little pig walked into the bar, ordered a drink and asked where the toilet was.

"Just along the corridor," said the bartender.

Then a third little pig walked into the bar and ordered a drink. The bartender said, "I suppose you want to use the toilet too?"

"No, I'm the little pig that goes wee wee wee all the way home."

(Thanks to Charlotte)

Monday, March 31, 2008 -- Nun Running On Empty

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gasoline station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."

(Thanks to Patrick)

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