HOLDER TONIGHT
with
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER

JOKE DU JOUR

April 2008

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - April 2008

Signs You're Addicted To Your Cell Phone [54 votes total] You can't go to sleep without it on vibrate (13) 24% You were texting through your wedding (15) 28% That cancerous growth on your neck (5) 9% Crusty wax buildup on your Blue Tooth (13) 24% You get the DTs going through tunnels (8) 15%

Tuesday, April 1, 2008 -- The Wedding Ring

After many years, a woman's original wedding band had become worn and thin, so she asked her husband to buy her a new ring as her anniversary present. But this time she asked him to buy her one with diamonds.

They went down to the jewellery store to pick one out. As they waited for the clerk, she said to her husband, "My eyes aren't as good as they used to be, so I'd really like diamonds I can see."

Having overheard their conversation, a lady standing nearby remarked, "Sir, it would be cheaper if you bought her glasses."

(Thanks to Lulu)

Wednesday, April 2, 2008 -- The Concert

A band performing at an outdoor concert kept playing although the crowd had dwindled down to one man. Finally, the tired musicians told him that if he left they could all go home.

The man answered, "It's up to you. I'm just waiting to put away these folding chairs."

(Thanks to Gerry)

Thursday, April 3, 2008 -- Women With Convictions

Two women in jail are talking to each other. The first one asks, "What are you in for?"

The second replies, " A parking violation."

The first woman says, "They don't throw you in prison for parking violations!"

Replied the second, "They do when you park on top of your husband."

(Thanks to Mike)

Friday, April 4, 2008 -- Watching Volleyball

A man and wife are at a volleyball game when they notice a very affectionate couple who are running their hands over each other passionately.

"I don't know whether to watch them or the game," says the man.

"Watch them!" says his wife. "You already know how to play volleyball."

(Thanks to Elaine)

Monday, April 7, 2008 -- Late For School

A boy came to school late for the third time in one week. The teacher asked him, "What is the matter? Why do you always arrive late?"

"I can't help it," the boy answered. "I run down Main Street every day. Then I come to a sign. The sign says: 'SCHOOL: GO SLOW'. And so I do!"

(Thanks to Alice)

Tuesday, April 8, 2008 -- Fish Cakes

A man walked into a fish market with a salmon under his arm.

"Do you have any fish cakes?" he asked the man behind the counter.

"Sorry, no." replied the counter attendant.

"Shame," said the man, looking at his salmon. "It's his birthday today."

(Thanks to Doug)

Wednesday, April 9, 2008 -- A Woman's Lover

A married woman has a lover. It's no secret, her husband and all there friends know about it. One day, the woman suddenly dies. At the funeral, to the embarrassment of all, the boyfriend is there and is crying hysterically.

Finally, the husband can't take anymore of it. He approaches the man, puts his arms around him and says, "Please don't carry on like this. I'll marry again."

(Thanks to Wallis)

Monday, April 14, 2008 -- Swearing

The little boy was caught swearing by his teacher. "Jeffrey," she said, "you shouldn't use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?"

"My daddy said it," he responded.

"Well, that doesn't matter," she explained, "you don't know what it means."

"I do, too," Jeffrey corrected. "It means the car won't start."

(Thanks to Bobby)

Tuesday, April 15, 2008 -- Minister's New Teeth

The minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new dentures were being made.

The first Sunday, he only preached 10 minutes.

The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes.

But, on the third Sunday, he preached one hour 25 minutes.

When asked about this by some of the congregation, he said, "'The first Sunday, my gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my new dentures were hurting me a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's dentures . . . and I couldn't shut up."

(Thanks to Alice)

Wednesday, April 16, 2008 -- Memento

A woman noticed that one of her friends was wearing a locket. She said to her, "I suppose you carry a memento of some sort in that locket of yours?"

"Yes, it's a lock of my husband's hair," said the second woman.

"But your husband is still alive," said the first.

Came the reply, "I know, but his hair is gone."

(Thanks to Joey)

Thursday, April 17, 2008 -- Giving Birth

A woman in labour with her first child yelled repeatedly, "Shouldn't, wouldn't, couldn't, mustn't, can't."

Her worried husband asked the doctor what the problem was.

"Don't worry," said the doctor. "You're wife is just having contractions."

(Thanks to Dionne)

Friday, April 18, 2008 -- The Birthday Present

A husband was at a loss what to get his wife as a birthday present. He was looking for something different, so a friend suggested, "For a laugh, why don't you have a special certificate made up which says that she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it? She'll love it . . . and so will you."

The husband thought it was a great idea and went to a printer's to have the certificate drawn up.

A week later, the friend bumped into the husband in the street. "Well, how did it go?"

"She loved it," said the husband. "She jumped up, kissed me passionately on the mouth and ran out the door yelling, ‘I'll see you in two hours.'"

(Thanks to Sonia)

Tuesday, April 22, 2008 -- Lawn Mower

A woman said to her physician, "Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawn mower."

"That's terrible," said the doctor, "Why didn't you bring him in sooner?"

Replied the woman, "Because the neighbour just returned him this morning."

(Thanks to Eunice)

Wednesday, April 23, 2008 -- The Barber Shop Visit

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves. "What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. "Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!"

(Thanks to Dennis)

Thursday, April 24, 2008 -- Kids At The Doctor

Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger."

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely. Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

(Thanks to Charlie)

Friday, April 25, 2008 -- Guts

A lady was really fed up of her husband's snoring. She often told him how hard it was for her to sleep at night and said, "You know, the way you snore, some day you'll snore up your insides!"

One day while he was asleep on the sofa and she was in the kitchen preparing a chicken, she got an idea. She took all the insides she had cleaned out of the chicken and laid them on the pillow as he slept.

A while later he ran into the kitchen screaming, "Ellie!!!!! Ellie!!!!!! You were right, it happened! I snored up my insides. But by the grace of God and a glass of water I got em all back down again!"

(Thanks to Margaret)

Monday, April 28, 2008 -- The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

(Thanks to Suzie)

Tuesday, April 29, 2008 -- The Dog Bowl

A woman went to the counter to purchase a drinking bowl for her dog. The clerk asked, "Would you like it inscribed with the dog's name?"

"It doesn't really matter," the woman answered. "My husband doesn't drink water and the dog can't read."

(Thanks to Loretta)

Wednesday, April 30, 2008 -- Math Class

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"

Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!"

(Thanks to Lloyd)