HOLDER TONIGHT
with
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER

JOKE DU JOUR

May 2008

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - May 2008

Signs You're A Bad Cook [75 votes total] Your child chipped a tooth on toast (5) 7% Smoke alarm doubles as a cooking timer (33) 44% Your pressure cooker lid is embedded in the ceiling (14) 19% Your cat is bulimic (9) 12% Numbers mostly dialled at dinnertime: Takeout and 911 (14) 19%

Thursday, May 1, 2008 -- Kids At The Pharmacy

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one."

(Thanks to Keith)

Friday, May 2, 2008 -- Cannibal Quickies

What is the title of the best selling cannibal book? -- How To Serve Your Fellow Man.

What did the cannibal get when he was late for dinner? -- The cold shoulder.

What do cannibals do at a wedding? -- They toast the bride and groom.

Monday, May 5, 2008 -- Daddy's Little Girl

Noticing that his four-year-old daughter was tired, a father gave her a ride on his shoulders. But after a few minutes, she started tugging at his hair.

"Stop that, darling," he said. "It hurts."

"But Daddy," she replied, "I'm only trying to get my gum back."

(Thanks to Shirley)

Tuesday, May 6, 2008 -- Roll Up The Rim

A little country café was having a promotion by putting little tabs on the coffee cups with a prize named under it.

A woman pulled the tab off of her coffee cup and started shouting, "I WON A MOBILE HOME, I WON A MOBILE HOME!"

A waitress came over to her and said, "Ma'am, you couldn't have won a mobile home."

The woman said, "I DID WIN A MOBILE HOME!"

Finally the owner came over to her and said, "Ma'am, you couldn't have won a mobile home because all of the prizes are food from the café." He then asked her to let him see the tab.

He looked at the tab and said, "Ma'am, it says, 'WIN A BAGEL'."

(Thanks to Lorraine)

Wednesday, May 7, 2008 -- Dad At College

A father visited his son's college. Watching students in the chemistry class, he was told they were conducting experiments to find a universal solvent.

"What's that?" he asked.

"A liquid which will dissolve anything," replied the students.

"It sounds good," said the father. "But when you find it, what kind of container will you keep it in?"

(Thanks to Ward)

Thursday, May 8, 2008 -- In Her Defence

An 89-year old woman arrived home from bingo to find her husband in bed with another woman. In a jealous rage, she pushed him off the balcony of their apartment and sent him plunging to his death.

She was charged with murder and when her case was heard, the judge asked her whether there was anything she wished to say in her own defence.

"Well, your honour," she said calmly, "I figured that at 94, if he could make love to another woman, he could fly too!"

(Thanks to Monica)

Friday, May 9, 2008 -- A Trip To The Dentist

A young woman had a terrible toothache but was reluctant to go to the dentist because she was frightened of his drill. Eventually, however, she was in such discomfort that she decided to pluck up the courage.

"I really am scared," she told the dentist as she entered the surgery. "I don't know which is worse, having a tooth filled or having a baby."

"Well," said the dentist, "make up your mind before I adjust the chair."

(Thanks to Lawrence)

Monday, May 12, 2008 -- Where Did We Come From?

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race begin?"

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind began with His creation."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they evolved from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

(Thanks to Roddy)

Tuesday, May 13, 2008 -- Dental Pain

A dentist was filling a cavity when he turned to the patient and said, "Would you mind doing me a favour? Could you let out a loud, piercing scream?"

The patient said, "But it doesn't hurt so bad this time."

Replied the dentist, "I know. But I've got a waiting room full of people and I don't want to miss the four o'clock ball game."

(Thanks to Jerry)

Wednesday, May 14, 2008 -- First Time Dad

The first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.

His wife walked in, looked at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, and said, "What in the world are you doing?"

He replied, "I'm waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another."

(Thanks to Beverly)

Thursday, May 15, 2008 -- Off Her Diet

A woman had been advised by her doctor to go on a strict diet but she couldn't discipline herself and would spend most of the day raiding the fridge. As her weight ballooned, one day she was stuck on the lavatory seat.

"Jim, Jim!" she called to her husband. "The lavatory seat's stuck to my butt. Fetch the doctor!"

The husband asked the doctor to come round as soon as he could but didn't explain what the problem was. In the meantime, the husband managed to remove the seat from the lavatory bowl but it was still wedged fast to his wife's backside. He suggested she go and kneel on the bed until the doctor arrived.

When the doctor showed up, the husband showed him straight into the bedroom where the wife was kneeling with her back to the door.

"What do you think, doc!" asked the husband.

"I think it's very nice," replied the doctor, "but why such a cheap frame?"

(Thanks to Richard)

Friday, May 16, 2008 -- Learning Golf

Two women were talking the other day over tea. "Did I tell you that my husband has taken up golf?" the first lady asked her friend.

"No, as a matter of fact, you didn't," her friend replied, "How's he doing?"

"Evidently, very well," said the first lady. "He's only played three times, but his friends tell me that he's already throwing his clubs as far as men who've been playing the game for years!"

(Thanks to Gary)

Monday, May 19, 2008 -- Buying A TV

A man was deliberating over a new television and asked the young salesperson its country of origin. The clerk disappeared into the stockroom to look on the box.

On his return he announced to the customer that the television in question was "Built in Antenna."

(Thanks to Andrew)

Tuesday, May 20, 2008 -- The Pilot & The Navigator

The pilot was sitting in his seat and pulled out a .38 revolver. He placed it on top of the instrument panel, and then asked the navigator, "Do you know what I use this for?"

The navigator replied timidly, "No, what's it for?"

The pilot responded, "I use this on navigators who get me lost!"

The navigator proceeded to pull out a .45 and place it on his chart table.

The pilot asked, "What's that for?"

"To be honest sir," the navigator replied, "I'll know we're lost before you will."

(Thanks to Douglas)

Wednesday, May 21, 2008 -- The Murder Scene

The police arrived and found a woman dead on her living room floor with a golf club next to her body. They asked the husband, "Is this your wife?"

"Yes," he replied.

"Did you kill her?"

"Yes, he replied."

"It looks like you struck her eight times with this 3-iron. Is that correct?"

"Yes," he replied, "...but put me down for a five."

(Thanks to Ben)

Thursday, May 22, 2008 -- Grounds For Divorce

Julie-Ann and Joan were discussing problems in their respective marriages.

"I'm going to get a divorce," said Julie-Ann. "Yesterday I saw my louse of a husband going into a movie with another woman."

"Oh dear," said Joan. "I'm sorry, But, you know, there could have been a perfectly innocent explanation. Why didn't you follow them into the cinema?"

"I couldn't," said Julie-Ann. "The guy I was with had already seen the film."

(Thanks to Cleo)

Friday, May 23, 2008 -- The Check-Up

An elderly patient went to the doctor. "I need help, doctor. Do you remember those voices in my head which I've been complaining about for years?"

"Yes"

"Well, they've suddenly stopped."

"That's good," said the doctor. "So what's the problem?"

Replied the old man, "I think I'm going deaf."

(Thanks to Mel)

Monday, May 26, 2008 -- The Poor Neighbours

"Mom," said the little boy, in from playing. "I think the people who live next door are really, really poor!"

"Why do you say that, my little one?"

"Because you should have seen the fuss they made when their baby swallowed a dime!"

(Thanks to Dennis)

Tuesday, May 27, 2008 -- A Cowboy's Dog

Did you hear about the cowboy who got himself a dachshund?

He did it because everyone kept telling him to get a long, little doggie.

(Thanks to Chet)

Wednesday, May 28, 2008 -- Top Gun

A young guy in a single-engine fighter was flying escort for a B-52 and generally being a nuisance, acting like a hot dog, flying rolls around the lumbering old bomber.

The hot dog said over the air, "Anything you can do, I can do better."

The veteran bomber pilot answered, "Try this hot-shot." The B-52 continued its flight, straight and level.

Perplexed, the hot dog asked, "So? What did you do?"

"I just shut down an engine, kid."

(Thanks to Chuck)

Thursday, May 29, 2008 -- Shoes

As a three year old put his shoes on by himself, his mother noticed the left one was on the right foot.

She said, "Son, your shoes are on the wrong feet."

He looked up at her with a raised brow and said, "Don't kid me, Mom, I know they're my feet."

(Thanks to Cindy)

Friday, May 30, 2008 -- A Great Bar

A man spent six hours in a bar before rolling home to his wife blind drunk.

"Where have you been?" she demanded.

"I've been to this amazing bar," he slurred, rocking on his feet. "It's called the Golden Saloon and everything there is golden. At the front there are two huge golden doors, the floors are golden and even the urinals are golden."

"What rubbish," snapped the wife. "I don't believe a word of it."

"Here," said the husband, rummaging in his pocket for a piece of paper. "Ring this number if you don't believe me."

So the following day she phoned the number on the slip of paper. "Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asked.

"It is," replied the bartender.

"Tell me," said the wife, "do you have two huge golden doors at the front of the building?"

"Sure do," said the bartender.

"And do you have golden floors?"

"Yup."

"What about golden urinals?"

There was a long pause and then the wife heard the bartender yell, "Hey Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"

(Thanks to Charlie)