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June 2008

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - June 2008
Signs You Are Sleep Deprived [76 votes total]

The crusty drool on your steering wheel (21) 28%
You've got lockjaw from yawning (13) 17%
You instinctively lunge for a snooze button when you hear the office elevator bell (26) 34%
Your entire house has been furnished by QVC (4) 5%
You have developed an allergy to sheep (12) 16%

Monday, June 2, 2008 -- Professional Rivalries

Two physicians board a flight out of Seattle. One sits in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an attorney sits in the seat by the aisle.

The lawyer kicks off his shoes, wiggle his toes, and starts to settle in, when the physician in the window seat says, "I think I'll get up and get a Coke."

"No problem," says the attorney, "I'm by the aisle. I'll get it for you." While he's gone, one of the physicians picks up the attorney's shoe and spits in it. When he returns with the Coke, the other physician says, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the attorney obligingly fetches the drink. While he's gone, the other physician picks up the other shoe and spits in it. The lawyer comes back and they all sit back and enjoy the flight.

As the plane is landing, however, the attorney slips his feet into his shoes and realizes immediately what has happened. "How long must this go on?" he asks the physicians. "This fighting between our professions? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in Cokes?"

(Thanks to Clarence)

Tuesday, June 3, 2008 -- Priestly Persuasion

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favour?"

"Of course, my child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair dryer that is well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

"With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare. "

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvellous little instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father - - Next!"

(Thanks to Patrick)

Wednesday, June 4, 2008 -- The Painting

Today we feature an audio joke. It was told on a radio show in Australia.
You can listen to it by clicking here

(Thanks to Sheldon)

Thursday, June 5, 2008 -- The Lost Hunter

A tired hunter out in the wilds stumbled into a camp.

"Am I glad to see you," he said. "I've been lost for three days."

"Don't get too excited, friend," the other hunter replied. "I've been lost for three weeks."

(Thanks to Dan)

Friday, June 6, 2008 -- The Intruder

"Get this," a guy said to his friends. "Last night while I was down at the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."

"Did he get anything?" his friends asked.

"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair bruised private parts. My wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

(Thanks to Foster)

Monday, June 9, 2008 -- The Duck At The Bar

A duck walks into a bar and asks for a beer. In amazement, the bartender exclames, "Hey, you can talk!"

"Yes, I do. So what?" asks the duck as he flies up to the stool.

The bartender asks what else the duck does.

"I work across the street doing construction on the new building going up, and I'd like to come here during lunch to have a beer once in a while."

The bartender says that it would be fine with him, so the duck comes in day after day during lunch for a brew.

Then one day the circus comes to town and the ringmaster comes into the same bar, but he's there earlier than the duck's usual time. The bartender finds out this guy is the ringmaster of a big circus and says, "Hey, you ought to check out this talking duck that comes in for a beer everyday around lunchtime!"

"Really?" says the ringmaster, "I could sure use one of those. Tell the duck that if he wants to make a lot more money than he makes now, to come by and see me." Then, after drinking his beer, the ringmaster leaves the bar and heads back to work.

So the duck comes in to the bar that day at lunch, and the bartender jumps up and tells the duck the good news.

"Hey, the circus is in town and their ringmaster wants you to be part of their circus for MORE BUCKS than you're getting now!"

The duck says, "Wow, that's great! But is it that big event down at the fairgrounds with the high-top deal?"

Bartender says "Yeah, so what?"

The duck cocks his head and inquires further, "It's that event with the CANVAS tent, right?"

Bartender asks, "Yeah, so?"

"Well, what the heck does he want with a drywall worker?"

(Thanks to Louie)

Tuesday, June 10, 2008 -- Looking For A Watch

Late at night, a drunk was on his knees beneath a street light, evidently looking for something. A passer-by, being a good Samaritan, offered to help.

"What is you have lost?" he said.

"My watch," replied the drunk. "It fell off when I tripped over the pavement."

The passer-by joined in the search but after a quarter of an hour, there was still no sign of the watch.

"Where exactly did you trip?" asked the passer-by.

"About half a block up the street," replied the drunk.

"Then why are you looking for your watch here if you lost it half a block up the street?"

The drunk said, "Because the light's a lot better here."

(Thanks to Bill)

Wednesday, June 11, 2008 -- The Old Timer

A man was celebrating his 100th birthday, so the editor of the local newspaper sent a reporter over to do a feature story on the old timer.

The reporter began by asking the old tried and true question, "To what do you attribute your longevity?"

"Well, young lady," the gentleman says, "I never smoked, never drank alcoholic beverages or over-ate, and I got up every morning of my life at six o'clock."

"But, I had an uncle who did exactly the same," the reporter says, "and he only lived to be 80. How do you account for that?"

To which the centenarian replied, "He didn't keep it up long enough."

(Thanks to George)

Thursday, June 12, 2008 -- The Drunken Walk Home

Two drunks were staggering home along the railway tracks.

The first said, "There's a hell of a lot of steps here."

The second nodded and replied, "And this handrail is bloody low."

(Thanks to Dean)

Friday, June 13, 2008 -- The Engagement

An 18-year-old boy came home excitedly one night and announced, "Janie and me are getting married."

His father's face fell. He took the boy to one side and said, "I'm sorry, son, you can't marry Janie. When I was first married to your mother, I'm afraid I fooled around a lot. You see, Janie is your half-sister."

The boy was devastated and it took him six months to start dating again. But a year on, he came home with more good news. "Kirsty and me are getting married."

His father's face dropped. Once again he took the boy to one side and explained, "I'm sorry, son, you can't marry Kirsty. She's your half-sister too."

The boy ran to his room in tears. Later his mother came up to comfort him.

"Dad's done a lot of bad things," sobbed the boy. "He keeps saying I can't marry the girl I love."

"Oh don't pay any attention to him," she said. "He's not your real father."

(Thanks to Jack)

Monday, June 16, 2008 -- The Mink

"If you really loved me, you'd buy me a nice mink," said the wife sulkily.

"All right," groaned the husband. "I'll buy you a mink if that important to you, but only on one condition."

"Condition?" asked the wife, "What kind of condition?"

Replied the husband, "You have to keep its cage clean!"

(Thanks to Eva)

Tuesday, June 17, 2008 -- Cleaning The Cage

A father asked his young son why he was crying.

"I clean the bird cage and the canary disappeared," sobbed the boy.

"How did you clean it," asked the dad.

Replied the boy, "With the vacuum cleaner."

(Thanks to Andres)

Wednesday, June 18, 2008 -- Animal Crackers

When he and his mother returned home from the supermarket, the small boy pulled out the box of animal crackers he'd begged for and emptied them on the counter.

"What are you doing?" asked his mother.

The boy replied, "The box says you can't eat them if the seal is broken. I'm looking for the seal."

(Thanks to Annie)

Thursday, June 19, 2008 -- Dinnertime Conversation

It was during supper that the little boy said, "Are caterpillars good to eat?"

"I've told you before, don't talk about such things at the dinner table," said the father.

The question though, got the mother's curiosity. "Anyway, why did you ask the question, son?"

Replied the boy, "Because I saw one on Daddy's lettuce and now it's gone."

(Thanks to Harvey)

Friday, June 20, 2008 -- The Close Shave

After being nicked twice by the barber's razor, the customer asked for a glass of water.

"Sorry sir," said the barber. "Is there a hair in your mouth?"

"No," said the customer, "I just want to see if my neck leaks!"

(Thanks to Clifton)

Monday, June 23, 2008 -- The Jock & The Coed

At the end of the college year, a star football player celebrated the relaxation of team curfew by attending a late night campus party.

Soon after arriving, he became captivated by a beautiful young thing and eased into a conversation with her by asking if she met many dates at parties.

"Oh, I'm much more attracted to the strong academic types than to dumb party animals," she said. "What's your GPA?"

Grinning from ear to ear, the jock boasted, "I get about 27 in the city and 38 on the highway."

(Thanks to Christy)

Tuesday, June 24, 2008 -- A Rare Blonde Joke

An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off this building."

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos again! If I get Burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too."

The blonde opened his lunch and said, "Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm jumping too."

The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.

The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a Burrito, and jumped, too.

The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.

At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!"

The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated Burritos so much."

Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The blonde's wife said, "Don't look at me. He makes his own lunch."

(Thanks to Orlando)

Wednesday, June 25, 2008 -- A Husband's Lament

A wife woke up in the middle of the night to hear her husband sobbing uncontrollably downstairs. She put on her gown and went to investigate.

"Honey, whatever's the matter?" she asked.

"Remember 20 years ago I got you pregnant, and your father threatened to have me thrown in jail if I didn't marry you."

"Of course I do," she said.

"Well," said the husband, "I would have been released today."

(Thanks to Seymour)

Thursday, June 26, 2008 -- Opposites Attract

A neighbour said to the newlywed bride, "I can't help noticing that you and your husband don't seem to have much in common. Why did you get married?"

The young woman sighed, "I guess it was the old story of opposites attract. He wasn't pregnant and I was."

(Thanks to Henry)

Friday, June 27, 2008 -- The Anniversary Gift

Two men were talking in a bar. One asked, "What are you going to get your wife for your 20th wedding anniversary?"

"I was thinking about a trip to Australia," said the other. "She'd love that."

"A trip to Australia! That's mighty impressive. But how will you be able to top that for your 25th anniversary?"

"I'm not sure," was the reply. "Maybe I'll pay for her fare back."

(Thanks to Kathleen)

Monday, June 30, 2008 -- Celestial Soccer

The Devil was constantly challenging St. Peter to a game of soccer, but St. Peter refused, until one day while walking around heaven he discovered that quite a number of international footballers had entered the Pearly Gates.

"I think I'll arrange to play that soccer game," said St. Peter to the Devil. "We have a great number of international soccer stars in heaven at the moment from which to select a winning team."

"You'll lose, you'll lose!" taunted the Devil.

"What makes you so sure we'll lose?" enquired St Peter.

"Because," laughed the Devil, "we have all the referees down here."

(Thanks to Marco)

Picture Of The Month

The Sad, Late Realisation Of A Big Mistake!

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