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July 2008

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - July 2008
Signs Your Air Conditioner Is Too High [57 votes total]

Your nipple popped off and rolled under the couch (25) 44%
Your basement doubles as a cryogenics lab (4) 7%
Can't see the TV for the hanging meat (11) 19%
Zamboni is stalled in the tub (6) 11%
Your child's tongue is stuck to the stove - again! (11) 19%

Tuesday, July 1, 2008 -- Adam & Eve

Why did Adam and Eve have the perfect marriage?

He didn't have to listen to her talk about all the other men she could have married, and she didn't have to put up with his mother.

(Thanks to Ruth)

Wednesday, July 2, 2008 -- The Chicken Restaurant

A man went for a meal at a chicken restaurant. He asked the manager, "How do you prepare the chickens?"

The manager said, "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."

(Thanks to Lloyd)

Thursday, July 3, 2008 -- School

It was a typical school day in Britain and a young boy arrived in class late.

"Why are you late, Johnny?" asked the teacher

"I'm sorry Miss, but I had to get my own breakfast today."

"All right Johnny," said the teacher, "never mind. Now today we are doing geography and here is a map of the British Isles. Can anyone tell me where the Scottish border is?"

"Yes Miss," said Johnny. "In bed with my Mom. That's why I had to get my own breakfast."

(Thanks to Winston)

Friday, July 4, 2008 -- Remarriage

A widow recently married to a widower was accosted by a friend who laughingly remarked, "I suppose, like all men who have been married before, your husband sometimes talks about his first wife?"

"Oh, not any more, he doesn't," the other replied.

"What stopped him?"

Came the response, "I started talking about my next husband."

(Thanks to Carol)

Monday, July 21, 2008 -- Hot Cakes

When a psychiatrist asked his new patient what her main problem seemed to be, she said, "Hot cakes, doctor. I simply adore hot cakes."

"Well," replied the psychiatrist, "I don't see that as a big problem. I like hot cakes, too."

"You do?" the woman shrieked in delight. "Then you must come to my house. I have closets full of them!"

(Thanks to Loretta)

Tuesday, July 22, 2008 -- In Flight Question

A man boarded a plane with six kids.

After they got settled in their seats a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked, "Are all of those kids yours?"

The man replied, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

(Thanks to Doug)

Wednesday, July 23, 2008 -- Lover's Lane

A guy and his date were parked on a back road way out of town. Things started to heat up and he began to undo her dress.

"I probably should have mentioned this before," she said, "but I'm a prostitute and if you want to have sex with me, it will cost you $20."

The guy wasn't happy, but he paid up. Afterwards, he got dressed but just sat in the driver's seat without starting the engine.

"Why aren't we going anywhere?" asked the woman.

"I probably should have mentioned this before," he replied, "but I'm a taxi driver and if you want to get back to town it will cost you $30!"

(Thanks to Christy)

Thursday, July 24, 2008 -- Fine Art

A fellow was rummaging through the attic of a house he had inherited from a recently deceased grandparent when he came across a painting that looked like it had been done by one of the 18th Century great masters. He also discovered a dusty violin that looked as though it might have been handmade.

Not being an authority on paintings nor on musical instruments of any kind, he decided to take the items to a professional appraiser.

After studying the finds for a little while, the appraiser put down his magnifying glass and said, "What you have here, young man, is a genuine Rembrandt and an authentic Stradivarius."

"Wow!" was all the fellow could say as his eyes widened and his heart began to pound.

"Unfortunately," added the appraiser, "Stradivarius was a lousy painter, and Rembrandt couldn't build a decent violin to save his life."

(Thanks to Lorraine)

Monday, July 28, 2008 -- The Postcard

The psychiatrist got a postcard one morning from one of his patients. It read, "Having a wonderful time. Wish you were here so you could tell me why."

(Thanks to Earl)

Tuesday, July 29, 2008 -- The Store Clerk

A man went into a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self-Help section was.

She said, "If I told you, that would defeat the purpose."

Wednesday, July 30, 2008 -- The Lawyer & Charity

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"Or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

(Thanks to Anthony)

Thursday, July 31, 2008 -- The Library

A librarian was fast asleep at 3am when the phone rang. The voice on the other end of the line said, "What time does the library open?"

"Nine o'clock," replied the librarian bleary-eyed. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"

"Not until nine o'clock?" said the caller, disappointed.

"No, not until nine o'clock," repeated the librarian angrily. "Why do you want to get in before nine o'clock?"

"I don't want to get in," said the caller, "I want to get out."

(Thanks to Marian)

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Fighting High Gas Prices

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