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August 2008

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - August 2008
Signs You Live In A Bad Neighbourhood [97 votes total]

Junk mail includes witness protection flyers (39) 40%
Kids ride armoured Big Wheels (19) 20%
All the neighbours light their BBQs with Tazers (9) 9%
The elementary school is equipped with a gun turret (14) 14%
Most common home renovation: Arson (16) 16%

Friday, August 1, 2008 -- Girl Talk

A woman said to her friend, "I made my husband a millionaire."

"And what was he before you married him?" asked the friend.

To which the woman replied, "A billionaire."

(Thanks to Eva)

Monday, August 18, 2008 -- The Accident

Did you hear about the woman who fell into the upholstery machine?

She's fully recovered.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008 -- Stress Relief

A managing director is concerned to find one of his employees is suffering badly from stress. One afternoon he takes the man aside and gives him some advise; "Whenever I feel stressed I take two weeks off and stay at home to be pampered by my wife. It always does the trick. You should try it!"

The man thanks him for his advice and takes two weeks off. Two weeks later he returns to work, rejuvenated and full of energy.

"I see you followed my advice," observes the managing director.

"I certainly did," replies the employee. "It was wonderful! And I had no idea you had such a nice house!"

(Thanks to Patrick)

Wednesday, August 20, 2008 -- A Quickie

Did you hear about the burglar who fell into a concrete mixer?

Now he's a hardened criminal.

Thursday, August 21, 2008 -- Yet More Cannibal Quickies

Q: What should you call a cannibal who eats his mother's sister?
A: An aunt-eater

Q: Why did the cannibals welcome the first missionaries?
A: Because they gave them their first taste of Christianity.

Friday, August 22, 2008 -- Ask The Pastor

Little Billy was in Sunday school and he had a pressing question to ask his pastor. "What did Adam and Eve look like?"

The minister replied, "Adam was handsome and Eve was beautiful."

"Oh," said, little Billy. "Then where do all the ugly people come from?"

Monday, August 25, 2008 -- The Gorilla In The Bar

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a martini to the amazement of the bartender. When the bartender gives the gorilla the martini, he's further surprised to see that the ape is holding a $20 bill. The bartender takes the $20, then he decides to see just how smart the gorilla is, so he hands the gorilla one dollar change.

The gorilla quietly sips the martini until the bartender breaks the silence.

"We don't get too many apes in here," he says.

The gorilla replies, "At $19 a drink, I'm not surprised."

(Thanks to Jerry)

Tuesday, August 26, 2008 -- Dead Cat

A motorist accidentally runs over an old lady's cat. He finds the cat's address on its collar and knocks on the old lady's door.

"I'm sorry," he says, "but I've run over your cat and killed it. I would be happy to replace it."

"Great," says the old lady, "but how are you at catching mice?"

(Thanks to Ben)

Wednesday, August 27, 2008 -- Last Request

A condemned man gets a bad case of the hiccups as he is being strapped into the electric chair.

"Any last requests?" asked the warden.

"Yes," says the prisoner, "could you, (hic), do something to scare me?"

(Thanks to Jeffrey)

Thursday, August 28, 2008 -- The Drunk & The Cop

A drunk loitering on a street corner is accosted by a police officer.

"What are you hanging around here for?" asks the cop.

The drunk replies, "I heard the world goes around every twenty four hours and I'm waiting for my house."

(Thanks to Jerry)

Friday, August 29, 2008 -- Chased Rabbits

A pack of wolves are chasing two rabbits, which take refuge in a thorn bush. The wolves prowl around, waiting for the rabbits to make their move.

One rabbit turns to the other and says, "What do you want to do - make a break for it or stay here a few days until we outnumber them?"

(Thanks to Bea)

Picture Of The Month

New meaning to the term, "within earshot"

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