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September 2008

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - September 2008
Signs The Romance Is Over [95 votes total]

New bunk beds in the master bedroom (16) 17%
Your spouse forgot your anniversary, you forgot their name (16) 17%
Smoking during sex (11) 12%
Your in-laws registered your spouse for match.com (9) 9%
That goodnight handshake (43) 45%

Monday, September 1, 2008 -- Another Baby

A woman entered the hospital to deliver her tenth child.

"Congratulations," said the nurse, "but don't you think this is enough?"

The woman replied, "Are you kidding? This is the only holiday I get each year!"

(Thanks to Abby)

Tuesday, September 2, 2008 -- The Dog's Teeth

A father spotted his four-year-old daughter out in the backyard brushing the family dog's teeth.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"I'm brushing Bruno's teeth," she replied. "But don't worry, I'll put your toothbrush back, like I always have."

(Thanks to Dennis)

Wednesday, September 3, 2008 -- The Son-In-Law

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."

The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise."

"I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations."

"I hate office work," said the son-in-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day."

"Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in the office. What am I going to do with you?"

"Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

(Thanks to Donald)

Thursday, September 4, 2008 -- The Bakery

An irate woman burst into the baker's shop and said, "I sent my son in for two pounds of cookies this morning, but when I weighed them there was only one pound. I suggest that you check your scales."

The baker looked at her calmly for a moment or two and then replied, "Ma'am, I suggest you weigh your son."

(Thanks to Anita)

Friday, September 5, 2008 -- The Boyfriend

One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents and they were appalled by his appearance; leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.

Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "He doesn't seem very nice."

"Oh please, Mother," replied the daughter. "If he wasn't so nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"

(Thanks to Sarah)

Monday, September 8, 2008 -- When You Gotta Go . . .

Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a pee!"

The teacher replied, "Now Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word to use is ‘urinate.' Please use the word ‘urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."

Little Johnny things for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you let me go pee, you'd be a ten!"

Tuesday, September 9, 2008 -- Little Brad's Report Card

Little Brad's father said, "Let me see your report card."

Little Brad replied, "I don't have it."

"Why not?" asked the father.

"My friend just borrowed it," said Little Brad. "He wants to scare his parents."

(Thanks to Steve)

Wednesday, September 10, 2008 -- Playground Reprimand

Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Miss Smith stopped to gently reprimand the child. Smiling sweetly, the Sunday School teacher said, "Billy, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Little Billy looked up and replied, "Well, Miss Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."

(Thanks to Harvey)

Thursday, September 11, 2008 -- The Wisdom Of Age

A reporter was interviewing a 104-year-old woman. "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She replied, "No peer pressure."

(Thanks to Joey)

Monday, September 15, 2008 -- The Funeral Service

Just before the funeral service, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"Ninety-eight," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So, you're 96," the undertaker commented. "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

(Thanks to Grace)

Tuesday, September 16, 2008 -- The Doubting Wife

A husband was late home from work one evening. "I'm sure he's having an affair," said his wife to her mother.

"Why do you always think the worst?" said the mother. "Maybe he's just been in an accident."

(Thanks to Heather)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008 -- The Heatwave

Jack was living in Arizona and was suffering through a very lengthy heatwave. After he stepped out of the shower he said to his wife, "Honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn naked like this?"

Jack's wife took one look at him and said, "They'd probably think that I married you for your money."

(Thanks to Carole)

Thursday, September 18, 2008 -- Ending The Argument

Two deaf men were in a coffee shop discussing their wives. One signs to the other, "Boy, was my wife mad at me last night! She went on and on and wouldn't stop."

The other guy says, "When my wife goes off on me I just don't listen."

"How do you do that?" says the first.

"It's easy. I turn the light off."

(Thanks to Helen)

Friday, September 19, 2008 -- Grounds For Divorce

A travelling salesman was testifying in divorce proceedings against his wife. His attorney said, "Please describe the incident that first caused you to entertain suspicions regarding your wife's infidelity."

The salesman answered, "I'm on the road during the week so naturally when I am home on the weekends, I'm particularly attentive to my wife. One Sunday morning we were in the middle of a heavy session of lovemaking when the old lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and yelled, ‘Can't you at least stop all that racket on the weekend?'"

(Thanks to Willie)

Monday, September 22, 2008 -- Business Advice

A man went to his bank manager and said, "I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?"

"Simple," said the bank manager. "Buy a big one and wait."

(Thanks to Skip)

Tuesday, September 23, 2008 -- Banker Overboard

The banker fell overboard from a friend's sailboat. The friend grabbed a life preserver, held it up, not knowing if the banker could swim, and shouted, "Can you float alone?"

"Obviously," the banker replied, "But this is a hell of a time to talk business."

(Thanks to Jane)

Wednesday, September 24, 2008 -- The Bank Employee

A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."

The banker said, "Yes, he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we can find him."

(Thanks to Vivian)

Thursday, September 25, 2008 -- Home Shopping

Two not-too-bright guys from the backwoods were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.

Fred says to Ed, "Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?"

Ed replies, "Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!"

Fred says, with wide eyes, "Wow, they aren't very expensive. At this price, I'm buying one."

Ed smiles and pats him on the back. "Good idea! Order one and if she's as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too."

Three weeks later, Ed asks his friend Fred, "Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?"

Fred replies, "No, but it shouldn't be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!"

(Thanks to Steve)

Friday, September 26, 2008 -- A Visit To The Doctor

A woman went to the doctor and complained that she felt constantly exhausted.

"How often do you have sex?" asked the doctor.

"Every Monday, Wednesday and Friday," replied the woman.

"Well," said the doctor, "Perhaps you should cut out Wednesdays."

"I can't," replied the woman, "That's the only night I'm with my husband."

(Thanks to Myra)

Monday, September 29, 2008 -- Army of the Lord

Jack was coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. The preacher grabbed Jack by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"

Jack replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."

The Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"

Jack whispered back, "I'm in the Secret Service."

(Thanks to Darryl)

Tuesday, September 30, 2008 -- Medical Emergency

A woman phoned the doctor in the middle of the night. "Doctor, please come over quick. My son has swallowed a condom."

The doctor quickly got dressed but just as he was about to leave, the phone rang again. It was the same woman.

"Don't worry," she said. "There's no need to come over after all. My husband just found another one."

(Thanks to Tina)

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