HOLDER TONIGHTwith
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER
JOKE DU JOUR
October 2008
HOLDER TONIGHTJOKE DU JOUR
October 2008
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Wednesday, October 1, 2008 -- Quality Person
After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire.
"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your caliber?"
(Thanks to Bob)
Thursday, October 2, 2008 -- Good News/Bad News
The patient, drowsily coming to after his operation, recognized the figure of his surgeon at the end of his bed. "So, how was it?" asked the patient.
"Well," replied the doctor, "I've got some bad news and I've got some good news. The bad news is that I'm afraid we amputated the wrong leg."
"Amputated the wrong leg!" screamed the patient. "What sort of good news can there be after you tell me that?"
"Well," said the surgeon. "The good news is that your bad leg is getting better."
(Thanks to Helen)
Friday, October 3, 2008 -- The Wounded
An army major was visiting sick soldiers in hospital. "What's your problem soldier?" he asked.
"Chronic syphilis, Sir."
"What treatment are they giving you?"
"Five minutes with a wire brush every day, sir!"
"And what's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, sir!"
The major moved on to the next bed. "And what's your problem, soldier?"
"Chronic diarrhoea, sir!"
"What treatment are they giving you?"
"Five minutes with a wire brush every day, sir!"
"And what's your ambition?"
"To get back to the front, sir!"
The major moved to the next bed. "And what's your problem, soldier?"
"Chronic gum disease, sir!"
"What treatment are they giving you?"
"Five minutes with a wire brush every day, sir!"
"And what's your ambition?"
To which the soldier replied, "To get the wire brush before the other two, sir!"
(Thanks to Dwight)
Monday, October 6, 2008 -- Cows, Cows, Cows...
The only cow in a small Kentucky town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the state line in Illinois for $200.
They brought the cow from Illinois and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do.
They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side."
The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Illinois?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Illinois?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Illinois."
(Thanks to Rudy)
Tuesday, October 7, 2008 -- Medical Bad News
The doctor sat down beside the bed, looked the patient square in the eye and said, "I'm afraid I've got bad news for you. You have only four minutes to live."
"Four minutes! Is there really nothing you can do for me?" cried the patient.
"Well," said the doctor, "I could just about boil you an egg."
(Thanks to Chad)
Wednesday, October 8, 2008 -- Medical Performance
A man entered hospital for an appendicitis operation. When he came round afterwards he told the nurse that his throat felt terribly sore.
"Oh," she said, "I had better explain. You see, at your operation this morning there were a number of medical students present and when the surgeon had finished they were so impressed that they applauded him; so for an encore he took out your tonsils."
(Thanks to Norman)
Thursday, October 9, 2008 -- The Diagnosis
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, there's a piece of lettuce sticking out of my bottom."
The doctor asks him to drop his trousers and examines him. The man asks, "It is serious, doc?"
The doctor replies, "I'm sorry to tell you, but this is just the tip of the iceberg."
(Thanks to Carmen)
Friday, October 10, 2008 -- Ear Today, Gone Tomorrow
A labourer was working near a guillotine when he bent over a tad too far and his ear was severed. Man and ear were quickly rushed to the hospital. His injury was cleaned up in one ward, while the ear was prepared for surgery in another.
At last he and his ear were ready to be reunited. The ear lay on a tray but the sight of it made the labourer suspicious.
"That's not my ear," he protested. "My ear had a cigarette behind it."
(Thanks to Kirk)
Monday, October 13, 2008 -- Dental Exam
After the dentist finished examining the woman's teeth he says, " I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to drill a tooth."
The woman says, "Oooooohhhh, I'd rather have a baby!"
To which the dentist replies, "Make up your mind, I have to adjust the chair."
(Thanks to Laurence)
Wednesday, October 15, 2008 -- Addicted To Sex
A man goes to a psychiatrist and tells him, "Doc, I think I'm obsessed with sex."
"Well, let's do a few tests," the doctor says. He draws a square on a piece of paper and asks the man to identify it. The man immediately says, "Sex."
Next the doctor draws a circle, which the man again identifies as "sex." Then the doctor draws a triangle, which, of course, the patient identifies as "sex."
The doctor puts the drawings away and says to the patient, "Yes, I believe you have an obsession with sex."
To which the man replies, "I'm not the one with the obsession! You're the one drawing all the dirty pictures!"
(Thanks to Gerta)
Thursday, October 16, 2008 -- The Psychiatric Exam
The psychiatrist told the patient that he was conducting a simple test to monitor normal human responses.
"So," began the psychiatrist, "what would happen if I cut off your left ear?"
"I wouldn't be able to hear," replied the patient.
"And what would happen if I cut off your right ear?"
"I wouldn't be able to see," said the patient.
"Why do you say that?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Because," replied the patient, "my hat would fall down over my eyes."
(Thanks to Ted)
Friday, October 17, 2008 -- Pills
Casey came home from the doctor looking very worried. His wife said, "What's the problem?"
"The doctor told me I have to take a pill every day for the rest of my life." he replied.
She said, "So what? Lots of people have to take a pill every day their whole lives."
Replied Casey, "I know, but the doctor only gave me four pills."
(Thanks to Hugo)
Monday, October 20, 2008 -- Sin
Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When the preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the tops of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of lying, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS... AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's just meddling."
(Thanks to Alice)
Tuesday, October 21, 2008 -- Medical Advice
The doctor explained to the heart patient that he would be able to resume his romantic life as soon as he could climb two flights of stairs without becoming winded.
The patient listened attentively and said, "what if I look for a woman who lives on the ground floor?"
(Thanks to Joey)
Wednesday, October 22, 2008 -- The Fishing Story
One recent Sunday, a young boy arrived late to his Sunday school class. His teacher knew that the boy was usually very prompt and asked him if anything was wrong.
The boy replied no, that he was going to go fishing, but that his Dad told him that he needed to go to church instead. The teacher was very impressed and asked the boy if his father had explained to him why it as more important to go to church rather than to go fishing.
To which the boy replied, "Yes, he did. My Dad said that he didn't have enough bait for both of us."
(Thanks to Herman)
Thursday, October 23, 2008 -- The Golfing Gorilla
A man takes a gorilla out golfing. At the first tee, the gorilla says, "So what am I supposed to do?"
The man says, "You see that little round green area about 400 yards away? You've got to hit the ball on to that."
So the gorilla grabs a club and whacks the ball and it goes screaming down the fairway and lands on the green. Then the man drives his ball and it travels about 150 yards. He takes a second shot and then a third shot and finally his ball arrives on the green just near the gorilla's ball.
The gorilla says, "What do I do now?"
The man says, "You hit the ball into that little cup."
The gorilla says, "Why didn't you tell me that back there?"
(Thanks to Clint)
Friday, October 24, 2008 -- Cannibal Restaurant
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came up on a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu:
Broiled Missionary: $20.00
Fried Explorer: $30.00
Baked Politician: $100.00
The cannibal called the cook over and asked, "Why such a price difference for the politician?"
The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one of them?"
(Thanks to Jeffrey)
Monday, October 27, 2008 -- Praise The Lord
During the service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for prayers which had been answered. A lady stood up and came forward. She said, "I have a reason to thank the Lord. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear an audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Jim experienced.
She continued, "Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the Congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Jim.
She continued, "Now, Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if any one else had anything to say. A man rose and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Jim and I would like to tell my wife, the word is ‘sternum.'"
(Thanks to Darryl)
Tuesday, October 28, 2008 -- See Spot Talk
A guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell, and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes around the house and into the backyard and sees a handsome Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
"So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young, and I wanted to help the government; so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.
I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
"Ten dollars", says the owner.
The guy says, "This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff."
(Thanks to Timothy)
Wednesday, October 29, 2008 -- Ducks In Heaven
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
(Thanks to Walt)
Thursday, October 30, 2008 -- The Talk
An out-of-breath 7 year-old girl ran up to her grandfather, who was tinkering in his workshop, and confronted him with the universally dreaded by adults question. 'What is sex...?'
He was surprised she'd ask such a question at her age, but thought if she's old enough to ask, she's old enough to get a straight answer.
He wouldn't shirk his responsibility. Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to describe for her all the variations of human sexuality he could conjure, careful to impress upon her the joys and responsibilities of intercourse and procreation.
When finally Grandpa was done pontificating, the little girl stood frozen, as though nailed to the spot, and looked at him with her mouth open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing she was overwhelmed, he asked what caused her sudden curiosity. His granddaughter shook off her reverie and replied, "Grandma says dinner will be ready in a couple of secs."
(Thanks to Alice)
You Usually Know Bull When You See It Coming
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