JOKE DU JOUR
Monday, November 3, 2008 -- The Drunk
A policeman was on the beat when he saw a drunk staggering down the street. "And where do you think you might be going at this time of night, sir?" the officer inquired.
The drunk replied, "To a lecture, Officer."
"And tell me, sir, who on earth would be giving a lecture at this time of night?"
Offered the drunk, "My wife."
(Thanks to Mel)
Wednesday, November 5, 2008 -- Two Drunks
Two friends arrived home after spending the night in several bars. The first one took the key from his pocket and tried unsuccessfully to put it into the lock. After several failed attempts, his friend said, "Do you want me to try and steady your hand?"
"No, my hand's okay," said the first drunk, "You try and hold the house."
(Thanks to Keith)
Thursday, November 6, 2008 -- Work Related Death
The woman opened her front door to find her husband's boss standing there. He said, "Polly, can I come in? I've got some terrible news, I'm afraid."
"Is it about Jack?" asked Polly.
The boss said, "I'm afraid so. There's been a terrible accident down at the brewery. Jack fell into a vat of beer and drowned."
"Oh no, my poor Jack!" sobbed Polly. "That's terrible. But tell me, did he at least go quickly?"
"I'm afraid not," said the boss. "In fact, he got out three times to have a pee."
(Thanks to Johnny)
Friday, November 7, 2008 -- Marital Argument
One night a guy walked into a bar and asked the barman for a drink. Then he asked for another. After a couple more drinks, the barman got worried.
"What's the matter?" he asked the guy.
"My wife and I got into a fight," explained the guy, "and she vowed not to talk to me for 31 days."
He took another drink and said, "And tonight is the last night."
(Thanks to Don)
Monday, November 10, 2008 -- On Death's Door
The priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night. Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Renounce the Devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"
The dying man said nothing so the priest repeated his order. Still the dying man said nothing. The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to renounce the Devil and his evil?"
The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody."
(Thanks to Frederick)
Tuesday, November 11, 2008 -- The Engineer
An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
(Thanks to Casey)
Wednesday, November 12, 2008 -- The Wake
When old Mr. O'Leary died, an elaborate wake was planned. In preparation, Mrs. O'Leary called the undertaker aside for a private little talk.
"Please be sure to secure his toupee to his head very securely. No one but I knew he was bald," she confided. "And he'd never rest in peace if anyone found out at this point. But our friends are sure to hold his hands and touch his head before they're through paying their last respects."
"Rest assured, Mrs. O'Leary," comforted the undertaker. "I'll fix it so that his toupee will never come off."
Sure enough, the day of the wake the old timers were there giving O'Leary's corpse quite the going-over, but the toupee stayed firmly in place. At the end of the day, a delighted Mrs. O'Leary offered the undertaker an extra $200 for handling the matter so professionally.
"Oh, I couldn't possibly accept your money," protested the undertaker. "After all, what's a few nails?"
(Thanks to Ellen)
Thursday, November 13, 2008 -- The Priest & The Nun
A priest asks a nun if he can walk her back to the convent. She says, "Just this once."
Upon arriving, he asks if he can kiss her. She replies, "Well, all right, as long as you don't get into the habit."
(Thanks to Julie)
Friday, November 14, 2008 -- Funeral Play-By-Play
A lawyer attended the funeral of a rich man. A friend, arriving late, took a seat beside him and whispered, "How far has the service gone?"
The lawyer nodded toward the clergyman in the pulpit and whispered back, "He just opened for the defence."
(Thanks to Raymond)
Monday, November 17, 2008 -- The Funeral
A husband and wife walked up to view the body of his mother-in-law at the funeral. As he began to weep, his wife slapped him and said, "Why are you crying, you never liked my mother anyway!"
The husband replied, "I know, I thought I saw her move!"
(Thanks to Durward)
Tuesday, November 18, 2008 -- Sex Talk
A vicar passed a group of teenage boys sitting on the church lawn. "Evening boys. What are you doing?"
"Nothing much, Vicar," replied one lad. "We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about his sex life."
"Boys, boys, boys!" intoned the vicar. "I'm shocked. When I was your age, I never thought about sex at all!"
The boys looked at each other and then said in unison, "You win, Vicar!"
(Thanks to Ted)
Wednesday, November 19, 2008 -- The Watermelon
Discovering too late that a watermelon spiked with vodka had accidentally been served to a luncheon meeting of local ministers, the restaurant's owner waited nervously for the reaction.
"Quick, man," he whispered to the waiter, "what did they say?"
"Nothing," replied the waiter. "They were all too busy slipping the seeds into their pockets."
(Thanks to Annette)
Thursday, November 20, 2008 -- The Prize Fight
A priest and a rabbi went to a prize fight at Madison Square Garden. One of the fighters made the sign of the cross before the opening gong sounded.
"What does that mean?" asked the rabbi.
Replied the priest, "Not a damn thing if he can't fight."
(Thanks to Belle)
Friday, November 21, 2008 -- First Pregnancy
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit, the wife being pregnant with their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home the husband got out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
(Thanks to Benjamin)
Monday, November 24, 2008 -- The Babysitter
A young man agreed to babysit one night so a single mother could have an evening out. At bedtime he sent the youngsters upstairs to bed and settled down to watch football. One child kept creeping down the stairs, but the young man kept sending him back to bed.
At 9pm the doorbell rang. It was the next door neighbour, Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son was there. The young man brusquely replied, "No!"
Just then a little head appeared over the banister and shouted, "I'm here, Mom, but he won't let me go home!"
(Thanks to Catherine)
Tuesday, November 25, 2008 -- The Young Blackmailer
At school Little Johnny was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."
The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms and says, "Then come give your real father a big hug."
(Thanks to Lana)
Wednedsay, November 26, 2008 -- At The Bar
A man walks in a bar and orders five Tequilas. The barman lines them up and the guy downs the first, third and fifth drink.
Puzzled, the barman asks him why he didn't touch the other two.
"Because" came the response, "my doctor told me it was OK to have the odd drink!"
(Thanks to Sheldon)
Thursday, November 27, 2008 -- Bad Marks
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement. He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my Daddy says if I don't start getting better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking!"
(Thanks to Pierre)
Friday, November 28, 2008 -- Bath Time
Little five-year-old Billy was in the bath and his mother was washing his hair. She said to him, "Wow, your hair is growing so fast! You need a haircut again."
Little Billy replied, "Maybe you should stop watering it so much."
(Thanks to Norman)
How the rich walk their dogs
I welcome your jokes
If you have one to send
click below and email it