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December 2008

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - December 2008
Signs The Holiday Season Has Become Too Commercial [99 votes total]

Microsoft bought naming rights to the North Pole (12) 12%
Christmas and Chanukah are talking merger (33) 33%
For Santa milk & cookies out; Visa & Mastercard in (22) 22%
Nike logo on the Vatican balcony (15) 15%
Elves favourite phrase: Collective bargaining agreement (17) 17%

Monday, December 1, 2008 -- Trip To The Firehouse

Little Eddie's pre-school class went on a field trip to the fire station. The fireman giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class, "Does anyone know what this is?"

Little Eddie's hand shot up and the fireman called on him. Little Eddie replied, "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

(Thanks to Ricky)

Tuesday, December 2, 2008 -- Johnny's Story

Little Johnny sees his father's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing. Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"Mommy, Mommy! I was at the playground and Daddy and . . ."

His mother tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story. So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take off his pants, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy . . ."

At this point, his mother cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story. Supposed you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Johnny's mother asks him to tell his story. He describes the car going into the woods, the undressing, the laying down on the seat, and then he said, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did the same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army!"

(Thanks to Dwight)

Wednesday, December 3, 2008 -- Little Snacking Johnny

Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one chocolate bar after another. After the sixth one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that chocolate isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth and make you fat."

Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."

The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat six chocolate bars at a time?"

Little Johnny answered, "No, but he minded is own business!"

(Thanks to Justin)

Thursday, December 4, 2008 -- The Proposal

A man really loved a woman, but he was just too shy to propose to her. Now he was much older and neither of them had been married. Of course, they had dated about once a week for the past six years, but he was so timid he just never got around to suggesting marriage, much less living together. But one day he became determined to ask her the question. So he calls her on the phone.

"June," he sheepishly said.

"Yes, this is June," she said.

"Will you marry me?" he said.

Replied June, "Of course I will! Who is this?"

(Thanks to Jessica)

Friday, December 5, 2008 -- The Prognosis

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die. Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood.

For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

(Thanks to Leona)

Monday, December 8, 2008 -- Motherly Advice

The new bride gushed to her mother, "My husband is very good to me. He gives me everything I ask for."

Her mother said, "That only shows you're not asking for enough."

(Thanks to Agnes)

Tuesday, December 9, 2008 -- The Divorce

A couple in their 90s appeared before a judge to ask for a divorce. The wife moaned, "He gambles, he stays out nights, he runs around with women. I can't take it anymore."

The husband countered, "She doesn't do any housework, her cooking is atrocious, she has no time for me, she sleeps around."

"How long has this been going on?" asked the judge.

"About 70 years," they chorused.

The judge was bemused. "So why did you wait till now to get a divorce?"

Replied the couple, "We were waiting for the kids to die."

(Thanks to Estelle)

Wednesday, December 10, 2008 -- Doctor's Advice

The doctor said to the patient, "I want you to take your clothes off and stick your tongue out of the window."

"What will that do?" asked the patient.

"Not much," replied the doctor, "But I hate my neighbour."

(Thanks to Marcus)

Thursday, December 11, 2008 -- Making The Rounds

The medical student was accompanying one of the consultants on his hospital rounds. Time after time, the student made a completely wrong diagnosis.

"Have you ever thought about taking up a different career?" asked the consultant. "One where you would not be fired for frequent misdiagnoses - such as a government economist?"

(Thanks to Gilles)

Friday, December 12, 2008 -- The Thank You

A man walked into the office of a plastic surgeon and handed over a cheque for $5,000 to the receptionist. "I think there's some mistake," said the receptionist. "Your bill is only $2,500."

"I know," replied the man, "But the operation was tremendously successful. The surgeon took some skin from my behind, where no one will ever see that it's missing, and grafted it onto my cheek and totally got rid of the large scar that I used to have there."

"So the extra $2,500 is for a job well done?" said the receptionist.

"Not exactly," replied the man. "It's a token of appreciation for all the delight I get every time my mother-in-law kisses my backside and doesn't even know it."

(Thanks to Darren)

Monday, December 15, 2008 -- The Gravedigger

The eminent surgeon was walking through his local churchyard one day when he saw the gravedigger having a rest and drinking from a bottle of beer.

"Hey you!" called the surgeon. "How dare you laze about and drink alcohol in the churchyard! Get on with your job, or I shall complain to the vicar!"

"I should have thought you'd be the last person to complain," said the gravedigger, "bearing in mind all your blunders I've had to cover up."

(Thanks to Nigel)

Tuesday, December 16, 2008 -- A Trip To The Psychiatrist

A man walked into a psychiatrist's office with a pancake on his head, a fried egg on each shoulder and a piece of bacon over each ear.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the psychiatrist, puzzled.

The man said, "I'm worried about my brother."

(Thanks to Michelle)

Wednesday, December 17, 2008 -- The Ear Infection

Apparently, this woman's miniature Schnauzer had an infection in its ear. The vet told her that it was do to an ingrown hair and that the best treatment would be to remove the hair with a depilatory cream.

The woman went to a pharmacy and asked the pharmacist for assistance in selecting the appropriate product. He went on about how some depilatory creams were better for use on the legs and how some were gentler and better for removing facial hair. Then he said, "May I ask where you intend to use this?"

She replied, "Well, its for my Schnauzer."

He said, "Okay, but you shouldn't ride a bike for two weeks."

Thursday, December 18, 2008 -- Season Tickets

A woman was reading a newspaper one morning and said to her husband, "Look at this, dear. There's an article here about a man who traded his wife for a season ticket to the New England Patriots. You wouldn't do a thing like that, would you?"

"Of course I wouldn't," replied her husband. "The season is almost over!"

(Thanks to Tom)

Friday, December 19, 2008 -- Christmas Turkey

It was Christmas Eve in at the meat counter and a woman was anxiously picking over the last few remaining turkeys in the hope of finding a large one.

In desperation she called over a shop assistant and said, "Excuse me. Do these turkeys get any bigger?"

"No, madam," he replied, "they're all dead."

(Thanks to Arthur)

Picture Of The Month

Redneck Fire Alarm

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