HOLDER TONIGHTwith
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER
JOKE DU JOUR
January 2009
HOLDER TONIGHTJOKE DU JOUR
January 2009
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Monday, January 5, 2009 -- The Lumberjack
A puny guy went for a job as a lumberjack, but the head lumberjack told him, "Sorry pal, you're too weak."
"I may look weak," protested the guy, "but I'm not. At least give me a chance to show what I can do."
"OK then, see that giant redwood over there. Let's see you chop it down."
Half an hour later, to the amazement of the head lumberjack, the giant redwood was lying on its side.
"Where did you learn to cut down trees like that?"
"The Sahara Forest," replied the guy.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
"Sure," replied the guy, "if that's what they call it now."
(Thanks to Paul)
Tuesday, January 6, 2009 -- The Job Interview
Three guys went for a job interview. The personnel officer conducting the interviews had no ears. He told the first candidate, "This job calls for observations, so I want you to make an observation about me."
The first guy said, "You've got no ears."
The personnel officer was furious and threw him out.
The second guy entered and was also invited to make an observation.
"You've got no ears," he said.
The personnel officer went crazy and threw him out.
Then the third guy came in and he too was asked to make an observation.
"You wear contact lenses," he said.
"Wow!" said the personnel officer. "That's amazing. How did you know?"
"Because," said the applicant, "you've got no ears to hold up glasses."
(Thanks to Vincent)
Wednesday, January 7, 2009 -- The DUI
A traffic cop was waiting outside a popular bar at closing time hoping for a bust. As everyone came out, he spotted a potential quarry - a guy so drunk he could barely walk.
The officer watched the guy stumbling around the parking lot for a few minutes looking for his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally found his own vehicle.
He turned his lights on, then off, he started to pull forward then stalled. When he was the last car in the lot, he carefully pulled on to the road and began to drive home.
Seizing his opportunity, the cop pulled him over and told him to breathe into the breathalyzer bag but to his amazement, the test was negative.
"I don't understand it," said the cop. "The equipment must be broken."
"No it isn't," said the guy. "You see, I'm the designated decoy."
(Thanks to David)
Thursday, January 8, 2009 -- The Assault
A man went to a seance and flew into a temper because the psychic was laughing her head off at fooling the gullible public. So he hit her. He was subsequently arrested for striking a happy medium.
(Thanks to Patricia)
Friday, January 9, 2009 -- Clown Apartment
A clown moved into an apartment block reserved solely for circus performers. He liked everything about the apartment. The kitchen was modern, the bedroom was comfortable and the lounge was spacious. And there were plenty of facilities - fridge & stove, washing machine, vacuum. The only thing that was missing was an ironing board, something on which he could press his circus uniform after washing it.
"Why is there no ironing board?" he asked his agent. " The lion tamer and the juggler have both got one."
"You use the window ledge, like the other clowns," explained the agent. "It's in your contract. Every clown has a sill for ironing."
(Thanks to Emmett)
Monday, January 12, 2009 -- The Fight
A man walked into a bar with his arm in a cast.
"What happened to you?" asked the bartender.
"I got into a fight with Kelly," was the reply.
"Kelly?" said the bartender. "He's only a small guy. He must have had something in his hand."
"He did," replied the man. "He had a shovel."
"Didn't you have something in your hand?" asked the bartender.
"Yes I did," came the reply. "Mrs. Kelly's breast. A beautiful thing it was too, but not much use in a fight!"
(Thanks to Fred)
Tuesday, January 13, 2009 -- The Monks
A remote monastery was home to an order of monks who communicated with each other solely by chanting. Every morning they would assemble in the chapel and the abbot would chant, "Good morning, assembled brethren."
And the monks would dutifully reply, "Good morning, Father Abbot."
But one morning a maverick monk instead chanted, "Good evening, Father Abbot."
The abbot glared at the monks and proclaimed, "Someone chanted evening."
(Thanks to Oscar)
Wednesday, January 14, 2009 -- Longevity Advice
A tough old cowboy from South Texas counselled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103 when he died. He left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grand-children, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
(Thanks to George)
Thursday, January 15, 2009 -- The Aardvark
A man and his five-year-old son were walking in South America when a baby aardvark ran towards them. The boy was scared. He screamed, "Daddy, Daddy, will it bite?"
"No son," reassured the father, "A little aardvark never hurt anyone."
(Thanks to Joan)
Friday, January 16, 2009 -- Holmes & Watson
Sherlock Holmes turned to Dr. Watson and announced, "The murderer lives in the house with the yellow door."
"Good grief, Holmes," said Watson. "How on earth did you deduce that?"
Replied Holmes, "It's a lemon entry, my dear Watson."
(Thanks to Nigel)
Monday, January 19, 2009 -- Say It With Flowers
Did you hear about the man at the flower shop who was robbed at gunpoint?
He was a petrified florist.
(Thanks to Evan)
Wednesday, January 21, 2009 -- Describing The Accident
Two small boys were listening while a woman told her friend about a recent accident in which a man had driven into the back of her car.
"He blamed me," she said, "and called me every rude, dirty name in the book!"
One of the boys turned to the other and said wide-eyed, "There's a book!"
(Thanks to Greg)
Thursday, January 22, 2009 -- The Angry Actress
The leading lady in a stage play was in a filthy mood before curtain time. Two members of the chorus line were discussing it.
"What's the matter with her?" asked one.
"She only received nine bouquets tonight," said the other.
"Only nine! Isn't that enough for her?"
Came the reply, "Not when she paid for ten."
(Thanks to Jerome)
Friday, January 23, 2009 -- The Class Quiz
The 6th Grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"
No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"
Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"
Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"
Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."
Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy."
Then she turned to Mary and continued, "And as for you, young lady, I have three things to say . . . one, you have a dirty mind. Two.. you didn't read your homework. And three... one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
(Thanks to Michael)
Monday, January 26, 2009 -- The Wife & The Mistress
An errant husband kept a wife and a mistress who had never met each other. He wanted to find out whether both women were faithful to him, so he packed them off on the same cruise with the intention of questioning each on the other's behaviour.
When his wife returned, he asked her a few general questions about the people on the cruise before focussing on the behaviour of the passenger who was his secret mistress.
"She was a total slut," reported the wife. "She must have slept with almost every man on the ship."
The husband was crestfallen and later asked his cheating mistress how his wife behaved on the cruise.
"She was a real lady," said the mistress.
The husband brightened. "Really?"
"Yes," replied the mistress, "she came on board with her husband and never left his side."
(Thanks to David)
Tuesday, January 27, 2009 -- The Old Ladies
Two old ladies were sitting in their armchairs sipping tea and talking about their dead husbands.
One turned to the other and said, "Did you have mutual orgasms?"
"No," replied the second, "I think we were with Prudential."
(Thanks to Jim)
Wednesday, January 28, 2009 -- Happy Birthday
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. An unorthodox choice for sure, but she just thought that since he was finally 40 years old, she'd give him a special treat.
They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"
His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before. "Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."
When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser. His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"
"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"
Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club. Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and sarcastically says, "Looks like you picked up a real winner tonight, Dave."
(Thanks to Charles)
Thursday, January 29, 2009 -- The Car Battery
An irate motorist went back to the garage where he had bought an expensive battery for his car six months previously. He bellowed at the garage owner, "When you sold me that battery, you told me it would be the last battery my car would ever need. Now, six months later, it's dead!"
"Yeah, I'm sorry," said the garage owner. "I just didn't think your car would last longer than that."
(Thanks to Henry)
Friday, January 30, 2009 -- A Day Off
An employee went in to see his boss. "Boss," he said, "we're doing some heavy house cleaning at home tomorrow and my wife needs me to help with clearing stuff out of the attic, the shed and the garage and with scrubbing down all the kitchen cupboards."
"I'm sorry," said the boss, "but we're short handed at the moment. There's no way I can give you the day off."
Replied the employee, "Thanks boss, I knew I could rely on you!"
(Thanks to Jacob)
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