HOLDER TONIGHT
with
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER

JOKE DU JOUR

February 2009

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - February 2009

Signs You Have Bad Driving Skills [148 votes total] You've never had the same passenger twice (23) 16% Your last three insurance companies claimed bankruptcy (9) 6% Even the cops give you the finger (59) 40% Your body shop has you listed as "Employee Of The Month" (18) 12% You had an accident in your driveway using GPS (39) 26%

Monday, February 2, 2009 -- Making Tea

A little girl made a cup of tea for her mother.

"I didn't know you could make tea," said Mom taking a sip.

"Yes, I boiled some water, added the tea leaves like you do, and then strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find the strainer, so I used the fly swatter."

"What!" exclaimed the mother, chocking on her tea.

"Oh, don't worry," said the little girl. "I didn't use the new fly swatter. I used the old one."

(Thanks to Earl)

Tuesday, February 3, 2009 -- The Engineering Students

Two engineering students were walking to class when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, yesterday I was on my way home when this beautiful girl rode in front of me, tossed her bike and her clothes to the ground and declared, 'Take what you want!'"

The first engineer nodded in approval. "Good choice. The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted."

(Thanks to Bill)

Wednesday, February 4, 2009 -- The Mugging

A man was jumped in an alley by two muggers. He put up a heroic resistance, but was eventually overpowered and the attackers went through his pockets.

"You mean you fought like that for 48 cents?" said one mugger incredulously.

"Is that all you wanted?" said the man, relieved. "I thought you were after the $500 in my shoe."

(Thanks to Charles)

Thursday, February 5, 2009 -- Divorcing Newlyweds

Two newlyweds quickly realized that the marriage wasn't working and filed for divorce. The judge wanted to know what the problem was.

The husband answered, "In the seven weeks that we've been together, we haven't been able to agree on a single thing."

The judge turned to the wife and asked, "Have you anything to say?"

She replied, "It's been eight weeks, your honour."

(Thanks to Elizabeth)

Friday, February 6, 2009 -- Doctor's Question

A man went to the doctor because he thought he watched too much TV. The doctor asked, "What are the symptoms?"

The man replied, "A yellow cartoon family."

(Thanks to Tracy)

Monday, February 9, 2009 -- The Dogs

Two dogs were walking down the street when one suddenly crossed the road, sniffed a lamp post for a minute, then crossed back again.

"What was that all about?" asked the other dog.

Came the reply, "Just checking for messages."

(Thanks to Timothy)

Tuesday, February 10, 2009 -- My Wife The Liar

"That wife of mine is a liar," confided a husband to his best friend.

"How do you know?" asked the friend.

"Because she didn't come home last night and when I asked her where she'd been, she said she'd spent the night with her sister Emma."

"So?" asked the friend.

"So she's a liar," said the husband. "I spent the night with her sister Emma!"

(Thanks to Aaron)

Wednesday, February 11, 2009 -- Two Dogs

Two dogs walked over to a parking meter. One said to the other, "How do you like that? Pay toilets!"

(Thanks to Caleb)

Thursday, February 12, 2009 -- The Motive

The judge glared at the accused. "So you admit breaking into the dress shop?"

"Yes your honour," said the criminal.

"And why was that?" asked the judge.

"Because my wife wanted a dress," was the reply.

The judge consulted his notes. "But it says here that you broke into the same shop four nights in a row."

"Yes, your honour. She made me exchange it three times."

Friday, February 13, 2009 -- The Golf Game

Phil and Dave went for a game of golf one Saturday afternoon, but Phil was under strict instructions from his wife to be back by four o'clock because she wanted him to take her shopping. Four o'clock passed, so did five o'clock and six o'clock. Eventually Phil arrived home at seven.

"Where on earth have you been?" she screamed.

"Honey," said Phil, "a terrible thing happened. We made it to the first green when Dave dropped dead of a heart attack."

The wife felt guilty. "That's awful," she said.

"You're telling me," said Phil. "The rest of the round it was hit the ball, drag Dave, hit the ball, drag Dave . . ."

(Thanks to Eldrick)

Monday, February 16, 2009 -- Golfing On Sunday

A preacher was an avid golfer and couldn't help sneaking off to play a round one Sunday. An angel watching him from above was furious and told God, "Look at that preacher down there, abandoning his duties to play golf on Sunday. He should be punished."

God agreed and promised to act. A few minutes later, the preacher hit a superb hole-in-one on a 350 yard hole. The angel complained to God, "I thought you were going to punish him! Instead he's just hit a perfect hole-in-one!"

God smiled and said, "Think about it - who can he tell?"

Tuesday, February 17, 2009 -- No Clothing

Returning home early from a business trip, a man finds his wife in their bedroom, and she isn't wearing a stitch of clothing. Surprised, he says, "It's the middle of the afternoon. Why aren't you dressed?"

"I have nothing to wear," his wife answers.

"Nonsense," he says, throwing open her closet. "You have a red dress, a green dress . . . hi Harry . . . a purple dress . . ."

(Thanks to Tom)

Wednesday, February 18, 2009 -- The Job Interview

When a woman applies for a job at a citrus grove, the foreman asks, "Do you have any experience picking lemons?"

"Well," the woman answers, "I've been divorced three times."

(Thanks to Anita)

Thursday, February 19, 2009 -- Out Late

Leaving the party late, two friends compare notes. "I can never fool my wife," the first says. "When I get home, I turn off the car engine, coast into the garage, sneak upstairs and undress in the bathroom. But she always hears me. And she wakes up and yells at me for being out late."

"You should do what I do," says he buddy. " I roar into the garage, stomp up the stairs, throw open the door and start kissing my wife. And she pretends to be asleep."

(Thanks to Simon)

Friday, February 20, 2009 -- The Hotel

An old woman from the country was visiting the big city for the first time in her life. She checked into a swanky hotel and let the bellboy take her bags. She followed him but as the door closed, her face fell.

"Young man," she said angrily. "I may be old and straight from the hills, but I ain't stupid. I paid good money and this room won't do at all. It's way short of what I expected. It's too small and there's no proper ventilation. Why, there's not even a bed!"

"Ma'am," replied the bellboy. "This isn't your room. It's the elevator!"

(Thanks to Marjorie)

Monday, February 23, 2009 -- Moose Hunters

Three men hired a plane to hunt moose but were warned by the pilot, "This is a very small plane, so you can only bring back one moose."

But they ended up killing three moose and tried to load their trophies on to the plane. The pilot repeated his warning, "I told you, only one moose!"

"That's what you said last year," protested one of the hunters, "but for an extra $150 you then let us take the three moose on the plane. So here, take the money now."

The pilot relented and allowed the three moose on board, but shortly after take-off the plane crashed. Extricating himself from the wreckage, one hunter asked shakily, "Where are we?"

One of his companions muttered, "About a hundred yards from where we crashed last year."

(Thanks to June)

Tuesday, February 24, 2009 -- Praying For A Bike

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."

Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday.

Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Carol.

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol.

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol.

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.

"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said. Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO.

(Thanks to Beryl)

Wednesday, February 25, 2009 -- The Three Parrots

A man went into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner pointed to three identical birds lined up on a perch.

"How much is the one on the left?" asked the customer.

"$500," said the shop owner.

"Why is it so expensive?"

"Because," said the shop owner, "it knows how to do legal research."

"What about the one in the middle? How much is that?"

"$1,000 because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to write a brief that will win any case."

"And how much for the third parrot?"

"$5,000."

"What can he do that so special?"

"To be honest, I've never seen him do a damn thing," said the shop owner, "but the other two call him Senior Partner."

(Thanks to Clarence)

Thursday, February 26, 2009 -- Legal Fees

A man went to a lawyer for help. "What are your fees?" he asked.

"$50 for three questions," answered the lawyer.

"That's pretty expensive, isn't it?" said the man.

"Maybe," said the lawyer. "So what's your third question?"

(Thanks to Raymond)

Friday, February 27, 2009 -- Alligator At The Vet

Feeling horrible, an alligator goes to the veterinarian. "What seems to be the problem?" the vet asks.

"I just don't have the drive I used to, Doc," the gator says. "Used to be, I could swim underwater for miles and catch any animal I wanted. Now all I can do is let them swim by."

Concerned, the vet gives him a thorough examination and hands him a few pills.

"What are these?" the gator asks.

"They're pills very similar to Viagra," the vet answers.

"Hold on, I don't have that kind of problem," the alligator protests. "What exactly is wrong with me?"

"Well," the vet says, "you have a reptile dysfunction."

(Thanks to Steve)