HOLDER TONIGHTwith
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER
JOKE DU JOUR
March 2009
HOLDER TONIGHTJOKE DU JOUR
March 2009
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Monday, March 2, 2009 -- Father & Son Talk
A boy was chatting with his father about married life. 'Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of India and Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Replied the father, "That happens in every country, son."
(Thanks to Eli)
Tuesday, March 3, 2009 -- Hard Times
A man was drowning his sorrows in a bar with a fellow drinker. "I had it all," he groaned, "money, a beautiful house, fast car and the love of a beautiful woman. Then suddenly it was all gone."
"What happened?" asked his companion.
Came the reply, "My wife found out."
(Thanks to Bert)
Wednesday, March 4, 2009 -- The Will
After 35 years of miserable marriage, a millionaire suddenly changed his will so that his wife would inherit everything, so long as she remarried within three months of his death.
"Why do you want to do that?" asked his lawyer.
"Because," said the millionaire, "I want someone to be sorry I died."
(Thanks to Harry)
Thursday, March 5, 2009 -- A Weighty Question
Why are married women heavier than single women?
Single women come home, see what's in the refrigerator and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go the refrigerator.
(Thanks to Sophie)
Friday, March 6, 2009 -- Stadium Fees
A little old lady was walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There was a hole in one of the bags, leaving a trail of $20 bills on the sidewalk. Spotting this, a police officer stopped her and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."
"Damn!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and collect them. Thanks for the warning."
"Well no, not so fast," said the cop. "How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?"
"Oh no," said the little old lady. "You see, my garden backs on to the parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes, right onto my flower beds. So I go and stand behind the bushes with a big pair of shears and each time someone sticks his member through the bushes, I say, ‘$20, or off it comes!'"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughed the cop. "Ok, good luck! By the way, what's in the other bag?"
"Well," said the little old lady, "not all of them pay up."
(Thanks to Josephine)
Monday, March 9, 2009 -- Out Together
The wife was livid when her husband refused to go shopping with her. "For goodness sake," she cried, "the neighbours will soon be talking about us just like they did with poor Mr. & Mrs. Dawkins down the road."
"What do you mean?," asked the husband.
"Well," said the wife. "The only time they went out together was when their gas stove exploded!"
(Thanks to Marcel)
Tuesday, March 10, 2009 -- The Phone Call
A man answered the phone. "Yes, Mother," he sighed. "I've had a hard day. Mildred has been in one of her difficult moods . . . I know I ought to be firmer with her, but it's not easy. You know what she's like . . . Yes, I remember you warned me . . . Yes, I remember you told me she was a vile creature who would make my life a misery . . . Yes, I remember you begged me not to marry her. You were right . . . You want to speak to her? OK."
He put down the phone and called to his wife in the next room. "Mildred, your mother wants to talk to you!"
(Thanks to Dominic)
Wednesday, March 11, 2009 -- The Senior's New Wife
A senior citizen said to his 80-year old buddy, "So I hear you're getting married?"
"Yep!"
"Do I know her?"
"Nope!"
"This woman, is she good looking?"
"Not really."
"Is she a good cook?"
"Naw, she can't cook too well."
"Does she have lots of money?"
"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
"Well, then, is she good in bed?"
"I don't know."
"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
"Because she can still drive!"
(Thanks to Rick)
Thursday, March 12, 2009 -- The Psychiatrists
Four psychiatrists were attending an out-of-town convention. Sitting in the hotel lounge one night, they each agreed that it could get pretty tiresome listening to other people's hang-ups all the time. Wouldn't it be nice if someone listened to their complexes and problems for a change?
"Okay," said one, "why don't we reveal our innermost feelings now, just between the four of us? I'll go first if you like. My big hang-up is sex. I can't get enough of it, and I have to confess that I frequently seduce my female patients."
The second one said, "My problem is money. I lead an extravagant lifestyle way beyond my means and to finance this, I regularly overcharge my patients."
The third said, " My trouble is drugs. I'm a pusher, and I often get my patients to sell drugs for me."
The fourth said, "My problem is that, no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."
(Thanks to Dennis)
Friday, March 13, 2009 -- Real Estate
For once in his life, the estate agent decided to be honest with a prospective lady house buyer. "This property is bordered on the north by gasworks, on the south by a rubber factory, on the east by a brewery, and on the west by a glue factory."
"My goodness!" said the woman. "It sounds absolutely appalling. Doesn't it have any redeeming features?"
"There is one," said the agent. "You can always tell which way the wind is blowing."
(Thanks to Blake)
Monday, March 16, 2009 -- At The Supermarket
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello. He's rather taken back because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind races back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, "Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?"
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
(Thanks to Chris)
Tuesday, March 17, 2009 -- Saying Grace
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
"Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer." said his mother.
"I don't need to," the boy replied.
"Of course, you do." his mother insisted. "We always say a prayer before eating at our house."
"That's at our house." Johnny explained. "But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!"
(Thanks to Beryl)
Wednesday, March 18, 2009 -- The Obedient Wife
There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his wealth. Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there, dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"
She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Christian. I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money into the casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put all that money in the casket with him?" said the friend.
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account, and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, then he can spend it."
(Thanks to Beryl)
Thursday, March 19, 2009 -- Church Bats
Three pastors were discussing the problems they had been experiencing with bats in their church lofts. The first pastor said, "I introduced half a dozen cats, but nothing seems to work. The bats are still there."
The second said, "I had the place fumigated, but even that didn't work. It's still infested with bats."
The third said, "I baptized all mine and made them members of the church. I haven't seen one of them back since!"
(Thanks to Joseph)
Friday, March 20, 2009 -- Lot's Wife
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted.
"My Mommy looked back once while she was driving," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!"
(Thanks to Beryl)
Monday, March 23, 2009 -- Guy Talk
Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values.
Stu said, "I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?"
Leroy replied, "I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?"
(Thanks to Alice)
Tuesday, March 24, 2009 -- Grounds For Divorce
Two men are out just fishing quietly and drinking beer. Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife. She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over, Bob. Women like that are hard to find."
(Thanks to Brian)
Wednesday, March 25, 2009 -- Intelligence
A little boy went up to his father and asked, "'Dad, where did my intelligence come from?"
The father replied, "Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, because I still have mine."
(Thanks to Alice)
Thursday, March 26, 2009 -- Diagnosis In The ER
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the emergency room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
(Thanks to Alice)
Friday, March 27, 2009 -- Bones
Pointing to the reconstructed skeleton of a tyrannosaurus rex, a museum patron asks the security guard, "How old are those bones?"
"Sixty-five-million-and-four years and six months old," says the guard.
"How can you be so precise?" asked the patron.
"Well," replied the guard, "those bones were 65 million years old when I started working here and that was 4˝ years ago."
(Thanks to Raquel)
Monday, March 30, 2009 -- Pirate
A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, "What's with the paper towel?"
The pirate says, "Arrr! I've got a Bounty on me head!"
(Thanks to Garth)
Tuesday, March 31, 2009 -- Spelling Bee
"Now, who can spell the word ‘straight'?" the third-grade teacher asked her students.
"S-t-r-a-i-g-h-t," answered one boy.
"Great job," said the teacher. "And do you know what it means?"
Replied the boy, "Without ice."
(Thanks to Wayne)
"SURPRISE!!!!!"
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