HOLDER TONIGHT
with
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER

JOKE DU JOUR

April 2009

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - April 2009

Signs You're On A Bad First Date [124 votes total] He makes racing sounds when he drives (13) 10% At dinner she insists you wear a hairnet (10) 8% He shows up at your door in an orange jumpsuit (23) 19% Small world - her name used to be Lloyd and you played Little League together (53) 43% During the meal she names her vegetables (25) 20%

Wednesday, April 1, 2009 -- The Kleptomaniac

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor diagnoses him as a kleptomaniac.

"Really?" The guy says. "Is there anything I can take for it?"

(Thanks to Sarah)

Thursday, April 2, 2009 -- Debating A Cow

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman were standing looking at a prize cow in a field.

The Englishman says "Look at that fine English cow."

The Irishman disagreed, saying "No, it's an Irish cow."

The Scotsman thought for a moment and then clinched the argument. "No, it's a Scottish cow - it's got bagpipes underneath!"

(Thanks to Jean)

Friday, April 3, 2009 -- How You Made Money

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money. The old guy fingered his worsted wool vest and said, "Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents. The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I'd accumulated a fortune of $1.37."

"And that's how you built an empire?" the young man asked.

"Heavens, no!" the man replied. "Then my wife's father died and left us two million dollars."

(Thanks to Cindy)

Monday, April 6, 2009 -- Fishing With Noah

A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?"

"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms?"

(Thanks to Beryl)

Tuesday, April 7, 2009 -- Righteous Mule

A minister sold a mule to a priest and told him that the animal was trained to obey two commands, "Praise the Lord" to go and "Amen" to stop. The priest climbed on board the mule, said, "Praise the Lord" and the mule set off.

The mule began to go faster and faster and the priest began to get worried. He wanted the animal to stop be he couldn't remember the key word. He kept saying "Whoa" but it had no effect. Finally he remembered and said, "Amen." The mule stopped immediately.

The priest looked down and saw that the mule had come to a halt right on the edge of a huge cliff with a 500-foot drop. Wiping his brow in relief the priest sighed, "Praise the Lord."

(Thanks to Darryl)

Wednesday, April 8, 2009 -- The Sermon

One Sunday morning a priest announced to his congregation, "I have here in my hands three sermons - a $500 sermon that lasts five minutes, a $200 sermon that lasts 15 minutes and a $10 sermon that lasts a full hour. Now, we'll take the collection and see which one I'll deliver!"

(Thanks to Wesley)

Thursday, April 9, 2009 -- Science Class

A teacher asks a student, "What is the formula for water."

The student answers "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O."

"What?" asked the teacher.

The student answered, "Well, yesterday you said it was H2O (H to O)."

(Thanks to Robert)

Friday, April 10, 2009 -- The Priest & The Drunk

As a priest walked down the street, a drunk noticed his collar and said, "Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?"

The priest laughed, "Because my son, I am a Father."

The drunk said, "But I'm a father too, and I don't wear my shirt backwards."

"But," continued the priest, "I am a Father of thousands."

To which the drunk replied, "Well maybe you should wear your shorts backwards!"

(Thanks to Don)

Monday, April 13, 2009 -- A Beach Moment

A man was sunbathing naked at the beach. For the sake of civility, and to keep it from getting sunburned, he had a hat over his manhood.

A woman walks past and says, snickering, "If you were a gentleman you'd lift your hat."

He raised an eyebrow and replied, "If you weren't so ugly it would lift itself."

(Thanks to JP)

Tuesday, April 14, 2009 -- Job Centre

A young man went to a job centre and said, "I want a job where I can start at the top."

"I've got just the thing for you," said the clerk. "Grave digging."

(Thanks to Ronald)

Wednesday, April 15, 2009 -- Technicolour Yawn

A woman walks into a bar with her five pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go by and the guy looks at her and throws up everywhere.

He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

(Thanks to George)

Thursday, April 16, 2009 -- The Recipe

Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking.

"I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."

"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.

"You said it," said the first. "Every one of the recipes began the same way; ‘Take a clean dish'."

(Thanks to Graham)

Friday, April 17, 2009 -- The Argument

The doctor and his wife were having a heated argument at breakfast. As he stormed out of the house, the man angrily yelled to his wife, "You aren't that good in bed either!"

By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife, clearly out of breath, answered the phone.

"What took you so long to answer and why are you panting?" he asked.

"I was in bed."

"What in the world are you doing in bed at this hour?"

To which she replied, "Getting a second opinion."

(Thanks to Vince)

Monday, April 20, 2009 -- The Amorous Plumber

A plumber was called to a woman's apartment in New York City to repair a leaking pipe. When he arrived he was pleased to discover that the woman was quite a luscious, well-endowed dish.

During the course of the afternoon, the two became extremely friendly. About 6:30pm the phone rang, disturbing the bedroom shenanigans.

"That was my husband," she said, putting down the phone. "He's on his way home, but is going back to the office around 8pm. Come back then, dear, and we can take up where we left off."

The union plumber looked at the woman in disbelief. "What? On my own time?"

(Thanks to Jane)

Tuesday, April 21, 2009 -- The Drill Sergeant

A drill sergeant had just chewed out one of his cadets, and as he was walking away, he turned to the cadet and said, "I guess when I die you'll come and dance on my grave."

The cadet replied, "Not me, Sarge...no sir! I promised myself that when I got out of the Army I'd never stand in another line!"

(Thanks to Douglas)

Wednesday, April 22, 2009 -- First Date

A woman was very nervous about her first date with a man she'd been attracted to for a long time. When he came to her door, she started to feel gassy and realized the chilli she'd had for lunch had been a bad idea.

Being a gentlemen, he carefully put her in the car and shut the door for her, as he walked around to his side, she loudly let one rip and quickly opened the window and began fanning.

She was horrified when he got in and pointed to the back seat saying, "Have you met Ruth and Bob?"

(Thanks to Albert)

Thursday, April 23, 2009 -- The Diagnosis

An overweight guy went to the doctor who advised him to try a workout video. But the guy said he couldn't be bothered.

"Well," suggested the doctor, "try something that leaves you a little short of breath."

So the guy took up smoking.

(Thanks to Josephine)

Friday, April 24, 2009 -- Corporate Shakeup

A major corporation, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy just standing around and leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO told him, "Wait right here." He then walked back to his office, came back in two minutes and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and screamed, "Here's four week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room came a voice, "Pizza delivery guy from Pizza Hut."

(Thanks to JP)

Monday, April 27, 2009 -- Erotic vs Perverse

What is the difference between the erotic and the perverse? With the erotic, you take a feather and use it tenderly, delicately, teasingly, playfully. You trace designs with it, and use it to play with your lover.

With the perverse, you use the whole chicken.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009 -- Guilt

Stephen had felt guilty all day long. He knew what he had done was wrong and every now and then, he would hear a soothing inner voice trying to reassure him: "Stephen. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."

But invariable another inner voice would bring him back to reality: "Stephen, you're a veterinarian."

Wednesday, April 29, 2009 -- Ghouls & Demons

Why do ghouls and demons hang out together?

Because demons are a ghoul's best friend

(Thanks to Norma)

Thursday, April 30, 2009 -- The Accountant

An accountant was accosted in the street by a homeless man begging for money.

"Spare some change, sir?" asked the beggar.

"Why should I?" asked the accountant.

"Because I haven't a penny to my name and I haven't had a hot meal in three months," came the reply.

"Hmm," said the accountant. "And how does this compare to your previous quarter?"

(Thanks to Bob)