HOLDER TONIGHT
with
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER

JOKE DU JOUR

May 2009

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - May 2009

Signs You're A Procrastinator [132 votes total] You'd mow the lawn, but the mower is somewhere in the grass (31) 23% You've got all your tax receipts together, for 2005 (16) 12% You're driving on bald snow tires, in August (10) 8% Your vigorous wedding bouquet toss caused your water to break (12) 9% You're starting to hear voices, coming from the back of your fridge (63) 48%

Friday, May 1, 2009 -- First Flight

A woman on her first plane trip found herself a nice window seat in a no smoking area. But no sooner had she settled down than a man appeared and insisted that it was his seat.

Despite a lengthy argument, she flatly refused to move and told him to go away.

"Okay, madam," he said. "If that's the way you want it, you fly the plane."

(Thanks to Karen)

Monday, May 4, 2009 -- Backwoods Birth

In the backwoods in a shack with no electricity, a man's wife went into labour in the middle of the night. The local doctor was fetched to help with the delivery. The doctor gave the nervous father-to-be a lantern to hold, partly to keep him occupied and partly so that he could see what he was doing.

After a few minutes, a baby boy was born and the husband put down the lantern to hold him.

"Don't put the lantern down just yet," said the doctor. "I think there's another one on the way."

Shortly afterwards, a baby daughter was born and the husband put down the lantern to hold her.

"Don't put that lantern down yet," said the doctor. "I think there may be another one still to come."

Sure enough, a few minutes later, another baby girl was born. The father scratched his head and said to the doctor, "D'you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

(Thanks to Darryl)

Tuesday, May 5, 2009 -- The Saint

A saint was sent as a missionary to a tribe of cannibals, but the cannibals snatched him and ate him. Afterwards they were all violently sick.

The witch doctor told them, "It's true what they say. You can't keep a good man down!"

(Thanks to Joan)

Wednesday, May 6, 2009 -- Virgin Burial

An old lady was proud of being a virgin. Before she passed away, she gave strict instructions to the funeral director regarding her headstone. She said, "I want it to read: ‘Born as a virgin, lived as a virgin, died as a virgin.'"

When she died, the funeral director relayed the instructions to the men inscribing her headstone. But they were lazy and instead of carving out the full inscription, they just wrote: "Returned unopened."

(Thanks to Maggie)

Thursday, May 7, 2009 -- Friendship

Friendship between women: A woman doesn't come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The husband calls his wife's ten best friends. None of them know anything about it.

Friendship between men: A man doesn't come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The wife calls her husband's ten best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

(Thanks to Syed)

Friday, May 8, 2009 -- Dental Quickie

A patient asked his dentists, "I have yellow teeth. What should I do?"

Replied the dentist, "Wear a brown tie."

(Thanks to Jerry)

Monday, May 11, 2009 -- One Wise Man

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favour? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans." The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they accepted his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus.

A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. "Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A freakin' quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed. "If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, dude. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

(Thanks to Gus)

Tuesday, May 12, 2009 -- Visit To The Doctor

An 86-year-old man was having his annual check-up. He boasted to the doctor, "I've got an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. How about that, eh, doc?"

The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was a keen hunter, but one day he left home in a hurry and accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. Later that day, he came face to face with a huge grizzly bear. The hunter raised his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And guess what? The bear dropped dead."

"That's impossible," said the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

Replied the doctor, "That's kind of what I'm getting at."

(Thanks to Tony)

Wednesday, May 13, 2009 -- Yet Another Visit To The Doctor

A man wasn't feeling well so he went to the doctor. The doctor asked him what he ate.

"Well, doctor," said the man, "for breakfast I had two pool balls, one yellow, one purple. For lunch I had two more pool balls, a blue and a white. And for dinner I had two reds and two blacks."

"I'm not surprise you're not well," said the doctor. "You're not having enough greens."

(Thanks to Irwin)

Thursday, May 14, 2009 -- A Dog In Heat

A young girl loved to walk her dog after school but when the dog started in heat, the girl's father advised her that it would be best to keep the pet indoors for a few days.

However, the girl was so distraught that the father felt he had to come up with a solution. So he sprayed some gasoline on the dog's rear end to deter any male dogs.

The girl took her pet out as usual, but came home half an hour later without the dog.

"Where's Fifi?" asked the father.

"Oh," replied the girl, "she ran out of gas a few blocks back and is being pushed home by another dog."

(Thanks to Walt)

Friday, May 15, 2009 -- Going Door To Door

There once were two Jehovah's Witnesses doing their thing and canvassing random houses in an orderly neighbourhood. After lots of mysterious non-answers and door-slamming they finally found a very welcoming stranger.

"Come on in," this gentleman said with a big smile on his face. After the two similarly-dressed men from the friendly neighbourhood Kingdom Hall had sat down, their host started to turn. "I have some coffee brewing, why don't I get you both a cup?" he offered, prompting the Witnesses to accept.

After setting down the coffee, the homeowner thought of something else. "I also just baked a cake a few hours back, can I get you both a slice?" asked the strangely kind gentleman. Both canvassers accepted and the homeowner said, "OK, now what can I do for you two"

"We're not really sure," said one, "This is the first time we ever got this far."

(Thanks to Will)

Monday, May 18, 2009 -- Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone.

"Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"

"It is!"

"This is the Tax Department. Can you help us?"

"I can!"

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do!"

"Is he a member of your congregation?"

"He is!"

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"

"He will."

(Thanks to Ricky)

Tuesday, May 19, 2009 -- The Coughing Fit

A woman in church one Sunday morning suddenly had a terrible coughing fit. Afterwards a friend said to the woman's husband, "I felt real sorry for Jean having that bout of coughing, and the way everyone turned to look at her."

"Don't worry," said the husband. "She was wearing a new hat."

(Thanks to Isadora)

Wednesday, May 20, 2009 -- A Dinnertime Moral

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, ‘Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'"

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus!"

(Thanks to Laura)

Thursday, May 21, 2009 -- Visiting The Doctor

A man asked his doctor if he thought he'd live to be a hundred. The doctor asked the man, "Do you smoke or drink?"

"No," he replied, "I've never done either."

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, and fool around with women?" inquired the doctor.

"No, I've never done any of those things either," said the man.

"Well then," said the doctor, "why would you want to live to be a hundred?"

(Thanks to Luigi)

Friday, May 22, 2009 -- Birthday Miracles

All of his life Len from Cape Breton had heard stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their first legal drink.

So when Len's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a boat out to the middle of the lake. Len stepped out of the boat and nearly drowned!

Corky just managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Len went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake, like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked Len straight in the eyes, and said, "Because, you idiot, your father, grandfather and great grandfather was born in January, you were born in July."

(Thanks to Chauncey)

Monday, May 25, 2009 -- The Psychiatrist & Proctologist

Two doctors, a psychiatrist and a proctologist, opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors." The town council was not happy with the sign, so the doctors changed it to read, "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Catatonics and High Colonics." No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives." Thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds." Still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes." Unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts." Not a chance. "Nuts and Butts?" No way. "Freaks and Cheeks?" Still no go. "Loons and Moons?" Forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Odds and Ends."

Everyone loved it.

(Thanks to Betty)

Tuesday, May 26, 2009 -- Giving Your Dad A Helping Hand

A clergyman walking down a country lane and sees a young farmer struggling to load hay back onto a cart after it had fallen off.

"You look hot, my son," said the cleric, "why don't you rest a moment, and I'll give you a hand."

"No thanks," said the young man. "My father wouldn't like it."

"Don't be silly," the minister said. "Everyone is entitled to a break. Come and have a drink of water."

Again the young man protested that his father would be upset. Losing his patience, the clergyman said, "Your father must be a real slave driver. Tell me where I can find him and I'll give him a piece of my mind!"

"Well," replied the young farmer, "he's under the load of hay."

(Thanks to Roger)

Wednesday, May 27, 2009 -- The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.

"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.

"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."

"You're both wrong," the guru said "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."

The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

(Thanks to Doris)

Thursday, May 28, 2009 -- Injured Teacher

A school teacher injured his back and had to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. It fit under his shirt and was not noticeable at all.

On the first day of the term, still with the cast under his shirt, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in school.

Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, he opened the window as wide as possible and then busied himself with desk work.

When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he took the desk stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Discipline was not a problem from that day forth!

(Thanks to Herb)

Friday, May 29, 2009 -- Man Soup

Two missionaries in Africa get apprehended by a tribe of very hostile cannibals who put them in a large pot of water, build a huge fire under it, and leave them there.

A few minutes later, one of the missionaries starts to laugh uncontrollably.

The other missionary can't believe it!

He says, "What's wrong with you? We're being boiled alive! They're gonna eat us! What could possibly be funny at a time like this?"

The other missionary says, "I just peed in the soup."

(Thanks to Jeffrey)