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June 2009

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - June 2009
Signs You Are A Bad Loser [97 votes total]

You still haven't learned that golf clubs don't float (26) 27%
You find that missing chess piece imbedded in the wall (27) 28%
Racquet restringing charges forces you into bankruptcy (10) 10%
Those water polo manslaughter charges (15) 15%
You own the L.A. Clippers (19) 20%

Monday, June 1, 2009 -- Milking The Cow

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer.

One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk.

The young man said, "I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!"

He then continues and says, "It took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly."

The uncle says with a confused look, "Um, son we don't have a cow. We have a bull!"

Tuesday, June 2, 2009 -- A Hard Hitting Golfer

A golfer hit his drive on the first hole 300 yards right down the middle. When it came down, however, it hit a sprinkler and the ball went sideways into the woods.

He was angry, but he went into the woods and hit a very hard 2-iron which hit a tree and bounced back straight at him. It hit him in the temple and killed him.

He was at the Pearly Gates and St. Peter looked at the big book and said, "I see you were a golfer, is that correct?"

"Yes, I am," he replied.

St Peter then said, "Do you hit the ball a long way?"

The golfer replied,"You bet. After all, I got here in 2, didn't I?"

(Thanks to Darnley)

Wednesday, June 3, 2009 -- Horrible Tragedies

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"

"My mother died in March," he said, "and left me $10,000."

"Gee, that's tough," he replied.

"Then in April," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."

"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."

"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."

"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."

"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

(Thanks to Fredrick)

Thursday, June 4, 2009 -- Prison Hospital

The convict went to the prison doctor and said, "Look here, doctor! You've already removed my spleen, tonsils, adenoids, and one of my kidneys. I only came to see if you could get me out of this place!"

Replied the doctor, "I am, bit by bit."

(Thanks to Burt)

Friday, June 5, 2009 -- Ever Arrested

A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question, "Have you ever been arrested?"

He answered no to the question.

The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "Why?"

Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it, "Never got caught."

(Thanks to Milhouse)

Monday, June 8, 2009 -- New Evidence

In court the lawyer for the defendant said to the judge, "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence."

"And what is the nature of the new evidence?" asked the Judge.

Replied the lawyer, "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $5,000 left."

(Thanks to Andy)

Tuesday, June 9, 2009 -- Talking Cow

A man's car stalled on a country road one morning. When the man got out to fix it, a cow came along and stopped beside him.

"Your trouble is probably in the carburetor," said the cow.

Startled, the man jumped back and ran down the road until he met a farmer. The amazed man told the farmer his story.

"Was it a large red cow with a brown spot over the right eye?" asked the farmer.

"Yes, yes," the man replied.

"Oh! I wouldn't listen to Bessie," said the farmer. "She doesn't know a thing about cars."

(Thanks to Percy)

Wednesday, June 10, 2009 -- Jump!

Two robbers were robbing a hotel.

The first one said, "I hear sirens. Jump!"

The second one said, "But we're on the 13th floor!"

The first one screamed back, "This is no time to be superstitious."

(Thanks to Paul)

Thursday, June 11, 2009 -- Traffic Camera

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding.

Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed.

He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again.

He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail's pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

(Thanks to Joan)

Friday, June 12, 2009 -- Mysterious Picture

After a wonderful night of love making, the young guy rolled over and was looking around when he noticed a framed picture of another man on a desk in the distance. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is that your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, she answered, "That's me before the surgery."

(Thanks to Renee)

Monday, June 15, 2009 -- Elderly Romance

There's an elderly man and woman sitting in the sunroom of a retirement home.

The old man says to the woman, "For five dollars, I'll have sex with you on that rocking chair over there. For ten dollars, I'll have sex with you on that couch. But for twenty dollars, I'll take you to my room, light a few candles and give you a romantic evening of passion you'll never forget."

The woman considers it a moment and then, after fishing through her purse, produces a twenty dollar bill.

The man says, "So, you want the romantic night in my room, eh?"

The woman replies, "No, I want four times in the rocker."

(Thanks to Erika)

Tuesday, June 16, 2009 -- Bathroom Humour

Aunt Dora went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation. "It's terrible," she said, "I haven't moved my bowels in a week."

"I see. Have you done anything about it?" asked the doctor.

"Naturally," she replied, "I sit in the bathroom for a half-hour in the morning and again at night."

"No," the doctor said, "I mean do you take anything?"

"Naturally," she answered, "I take a book."

(Thanks to Suzanne)

Wednesday, June 17, 2009 -- Two Or Three

A man went to the doctor for a check up.

"How do you feel?" asked the doctor.

"Fine." he replied.

After a few more general health questions the doctor asked, "How many times do you have sex per month?"

"About two or three," the man replied.

"You should be doing better than that," the doctor offered. "Take these pills and come back in a month."

The man did and a month later he was again asked by the doctor, "How many times did you have sex last month?"

"About two or three times," the man answered again.

"I can't understand it," the doctor continued, "you should be doing much better than that."

"I don't know," replied the man, "that's not bad for having no car and a small parish."

(Thanks to Harry)

Thursday, June 18, 2009 -- 40 Eyes

An eye-doctor was having his 40th birthday, and gathered lots of friends and family in his house.

His wife had made him a surprise cake, and led her husband blindfolded to a table where the cake was placed.

Eagerly the doctor removed and looked down on the cake, and immediately burst into a crazed laughter, for there in front of him was a huge cake, with 40 marzipan eyes!

The guest, asked him why he laughed, and after some minutes of laughing and whipping his eyes, the doctor said, "I'm just thinking of my buddy who will be 50 next week, who is a gynecologist!"

(Thanks to Marty)

Friday, June 19, 2009 -- Dyslexic Nurse Jenny

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny.

"She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards," said one doctor.

"Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"

The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear this blood-curdling scream from down the hall.

"Oh my God!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

(Thanks to Mildred)

Monday, June 22, 2009 -- Sadism & Bestiality & Necrophilia

This guy walks into a psychiatrist's office with a concerned look on his face.

"Doc," he says, "I'm worried. It's that dream. I'm having it again."

"What dream?" asked the shrink, not really paying attention.

"You know," says the man, "the one where I'm into sadism and bestiality and necrophilia. Should I be worried or am I just beating a dead horse?"

(Thanks to Louise)

Tuesday, June 23, 2009 -- Eye Check

A guy goes into the optometrist's office.

He opens the door and says to the receptionist, "I think I need my eyes checked."

She says, "You're not kidding. This is the Ladies Room."

(Thanks to Jan)

Wednesday, June 24, 2009 -- A Grain Of Wheat

After years of psychotherapy, John no longer believes he is a grain of wheat.

However, one day he and a friend came across a chicken, and John was terrified.

"Why are you so afraid, you're not a grain of wheat after all," his friend said.

John replied, "You know it and I know it, but the chicken doesn't know it."

(Thanks to Barry)

Friday, June 26, 2009 -- Confession

The new nun goes to her first confession. She tells the priest that she has a terrible secret and he tells her that her secret is safe in the sanctity of the confessional.

She says, "Father, I never wear underwear under my habit."

The priest chuckles and says, "That's not so serious. Say five Hail Marys, five Our Fathers and do five cartwheels on your way to the altar."

(Thanks to Meg)

Monday, June 29, 2009 -- Opera Delusion

One day, a psychiatrist gets a frantic call. "You've got to help me," a woman says. "My husband thinks he's a big opera star. He sings every night at the top of his lungs! Aida! Rigoletto! La Triviata!"

"Send him to me," the shrink says.

A week later, the woman calls again. "Doc, I don't know how you did it! He's not singing nearly as much. Did you cure his delusion?"

"No," said the doctor, "I just gave him a smaller part."

(Thanks to Henry)

Tuesday, June 30, 2009 -- Job Excuse

Johnson, who always showed up for work on time, came in on this day an hour late, his face bruised, his glasses bent.

"What happened to you?" his boss asked.

"I fell down two flights of stairs," Johnson answered.

Replied the boss, "That took you a whole hour?"

(Thanks to Franklin)

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