HOLDER TONIGHT
with
PETER ANTHONY HOLDER

JOKE DU JOUR

July 2009

HOLDER TONIGHT - Humour Poll - July 2009

Signs You've Had Too Much Plastic Surgery [99 votes total] You have palm readers completely stumped (5) 5% Mosquitoes have to rent heavy equipment to draw blood (16) 16% Every time you sit down you sneeze (15) 15% You can only breast feed with FDA approval (12) 12% Joan Rivers is planning an intervention (51) 52%

Wednesday, July 1, 2009 -- The Confessional

A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box. He notices on one side a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest Cuban cigars.

Then the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting these days."

The priest replies "Get out! You're on my side."

(Thanks to Dave)

Thursday, July 2, 2009 -- Motel Porn

Joe checked into a motel the other night.

He told the desk clerk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

The clerk glared at Joe and snapped, "No, it's regular porn, you sick degenerate!"

(Thanks to Dave)

Friday, July 3, 2009 -- Job Interview

A manager was interviewing a potential job applicant.

"Why did you leave your last job?" the manager asked.

"It was something my boss said," was the response.

"What did he say?" inquired the manager.

"You're fired!"

(Thanks to Norm)

Monday, July 6, 2009 -- Original Sin

There was this hooker who mistook a Salvation Army man for a soldier and propositioned him.

The Salvation Army gent said, "Ma'am, you may be forgiven, as a pitiable victim of circumstances. Tell me, are you familiar with the concept of original sin?"

The hooker replied, "Well, maybe and maybe not. But if it's really original, it'll cost you an extra $20."

(Thanks to Susan)

Tuesday, July 7, 2009 -- Prepared Spiritually

Before performing a baptism, the priest approached the young father and said solemnly, "Baptism is a serious step. Are you prepared for it?"

"I think so," the man replied. "My wife has made appetizers and we have a caterer coming to provide plenty of cookies and cakes for all of our guests."

"I don't mean that," the priest responded. "I mean, are you prepared spiritually?"

"Oh, sure," came the reply. "I've got a keg of beer and a case of whiskey."

(Thanks to Gary)

Wednesday, July 8, 2009 -- Burp

A man let out a humongous burp.

Nearby, a man loudly says, "How dare you burp in front of my wife!"

The burper replies,"Hell, I didn't even know she wanted to go first!"

(Thanks to Charles)

Thursday, July 9, 2009 -- Deer Hunt

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says, "Did you see that?"

The second guy says, "No."

"A bald eagle just flew over head."

"Oh."

A couple of minutes later, the first guy says, "Did you see that?"

"No."

"There was a black bear walking on that hill over there."

"Oh."

A few minutes later the first guy says, "Did you see that?"

The second guy, getting aggravated, says, "Yes, I did!"

The first guy then says, "Then why did you step in it?"

(Thanks to Mel)

Friday, July 10, 2009 -- Miss

A guy walks into a drugstore operated by a prudish woman.

He asks, "Can I have a dozen condoms, Miss?"

Snaps the woman, "Don't Miss me, mister."

To which the guy replied, "Well then, you better make it 13."

(Thanks to Norm)

Monday, July 27, 2009 -- Wide Selection

"Hey, Pal," the irate druggist shouted, "Put that cigar out while you are in my store!"

"I bought this cigar here!" claimed the Customer.

"Big Deal!", said the druggist. "We sell condoms too."

(Thanks to Conrad)

Tuesday, July 28, 2009 -- Old Business Partners

Williams and Mahoney had started with only $500 between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions.

Their company employed over 200 people, and the two executives lived like princes.

Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, and the business failed.

Williams and Mahoney blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms.

Five years later, Williams drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached.

Williams looked up and gasped. "Mahoney!" he said, shaking his head. "It's a terrible thing, seeing you working as a waiter in a place like this."

"Yeah," Mahoney said, curling his lip. "But I don't eat here."

(Thanks to Sean)

Wednesday, July 29, 2009 -- The Physiotherapist Golfer

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground, and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. "Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.

"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel?"

He replied, "It feels great, but I think my thumb's still broken..."

(Thanks to Bob)

Friday, July 31, 2009 -- Assaulted

A girl called the police department and reported that she had been assaulted.

The officer who answered the phone, asked, "When did this happen?"

She replied, "Last week."

The police then asked, "Why did you wait until now to report it?"

"Well," she said. "I didn't know that I was assaulted until the cheque bounced."

(Thanks to Vivian)